Godmother!

I forgot to say - our friend had her baby last week, 6 weeks early! She's doing really well. She's adorable and I'm in love. We've been asked to be Godparents which I'm thrilled about :)

Losing faith

I saw my reflexologist last week. The usual spot on my feet was hurting - the one that relates to my uterus. It didn't hurt as much as the first session but there was still pain and discomfort. She asked me if I had had any investigations done on my womb - which I haven't - and she encouraged me to ask the clinic about it. I'd felt so positive about the reflexology up until that point but now I feel that she isn't seeing a significant imporovement and maybe doesn't think she can help me anymore :( She also suggested that I think about going to a different clinic as she hasn't heard good things about mine. But the clinic she suggested is 90 minutes drive away - it's just not practical to have my treatment there. So overall I felt pretty negative after she left! I have always wondered whether there was more investigation that could be done on me to figure out why I'm not getting pregnant, but when we were last at the clinic and asked the consultant about it she was dismissive. I spoke to a colleague about it this week and she suggested that I ask to make an appointment with one of the nurses to talk it through. So I called the clinic and asked for this. Well, it turns out that they should have arranged an appointment for me with a nurse anyway, to discuss the IVF treatment in detail - but they'd forgotten about me! Cheers then. We're now due to go in and speak to a nurse on the 6th Dec. I spoke to the nurse that we'll be meeting with on the phone this week. He's new to the clinic and is definitely the most effective communicator that I've come across there - so fingers crossed it's a positive meeting. In the meantime, I've ovulating again...

Distractions

So, no joy last month and I've just ovulated again. Good to see from the ovulation sticks that it's actually happening! There have been a lot of distractions this month - work, my business and a nasty flu bug. It's good to be distracted from all this.

Feeling positive

So, I started using the ovulation tests this month and got a positive result on Sunday. So we did what we needed to do using the preseed. I've been very aware of ovulating - my left ovary is very active. And today I actually noticed some good, stretchy cervical mucus which I haven't noticed other than when I have been on the fertility drugs! So I'm weirdly excited about that and feeling very positive about things. I really think that the reflexology has had an impact.

Preseed

I had another reflexology session this week. I'm due to ovulate and the areas that correspond with my ovaries were painful again. So we're wondering if the soreness is just due to my natural cycle happening. Maybe I am pinning too much on this treatment.
I've also ordered some ovulation tests and some Preseed which is a sperm-friendly lube. It seems that it might help conception. So, we'll see...

Rest

I saw the reflexologist again a little over a week ago. She picked up the sciatica that I've been suffering with which was really impressive. And we both noticed some improvement in the areas that relate to my uterus and ovaries which is promising. She thought that maybe my period was late due to the last treatment and she thought that the second treatment would bring on my period, which it did. My period was still fairly light though, as it has been since I started taking the pill and since I came off it 2.5 years ago now. I was kind of hoping, weirdly, that my period would go back to being the way it was before I started taking the pill - longer and heavier. I thought that this might be a sign that my body was getting back to normal. Maybe I'm pinning too much hope on the reflexology.
We've been on holiday this week and taking it really easy. I intend to try and take things a bit easier now that we are back. And I've having another reflexology session later this week.

Limbo

So we went to see the consultant about IVF and had lots of information to absorb. We plan to start the treatment in January. There just isn't a good time to work it into my schedule before then. I'm happy about this as it gives me some time without treatment, and some time to see if the reflexology will help at all.
In the meantime, I feel like I'm in limbo. My period is 9 days late - unheard of for me - and I've done two pregnancy tests which were both negative. Weird. I'm wondering if the last reflexology treatment has shifted things at all.
And so it looks like I won't be ovulating when I'm holiday next week after all. I guess there's a good chance that I'll have my period instead. Great! And if it's late, probably a heavy period too. Even better! But who knows.
I'm seeing the reflexologist again tomorrow so it will be interesting to get her take on it.

Feet

So I don't think the cough syrup helped one iota. I didn't notice any chance in my mucus and I'm noticing PMS already. But I did see the reflexologist. She found an incredibly tender area on both my feet, near my ankle. It was really uncomfortable, like someone pushing on a bruise. And no surprises really but that area corelates to my womb. Weird! She's a lovely lady and I'm going to be seeing her in a couple of weeks - just before I'm due to ovulate and just before a relaxing holiday. So you never know... I'm really trying not to think about it too much, which is easier since I'm so busy, but it's tough to switch off completely. Particularly as we have an appointment with our consultant looming (next week) and we received a pack of information about IVF which is off-putting. A close friend, who is pregnant, actually told me that she is there for me if I want to talk about stuff. That meant so much as no-one else that knows about what we're going through has said anything like that to me.

End of round 4

I got my period on Saturday. I wasn't at all surprised. I've got to know my cycle really well over the last few months and I was seeing the usual signs pretty soon after the IUI. So on Saturday I felt surprisingly calm about the whole thing. I'm very busy and so I have plenty to distract me. But it's odd to think how emotional I was just 2 weeks ago. I wonder how much of that was due to the drugs and how much was genuine emotion. It feels really good to have a clear head and a less bloated body. I'm not overly keen to move ahead with any more drug infused treatments just yet. I'd like a couple of months off. And besides, the friend that I've been emailing told me of a couple that she knows who were actually successful in getting pregnant by using cough syrup to loosen mucus. I'd read about this but hadn't heard of any success stories. I've also heard really positive things about reflexology and fertility and have had a reflexologist recommended to me. I'll be seeing her in a couple of weeks and will be chugging the cough syrup as I approach ovulation this month. Oh, and baby carrots are very alkaline apparently so I'll be munching a few of them too. Worth a try no? I want to think about IVF knowing that I've tried all other possible avenues.

The roller coaster continues

I had the IUI on Friday. It all went fine. No mention of the cysts. It did leave me extremely sore though. I spent the evening on the sofa with a hot water bottle on my belly. Not that it did any good but it was a comfort. It's feeling much better today.
I spent part of Saturday afternoon with an old work colleague, taking photographs of her and her family. She has two small children and they are lovely. We were out in the garden in the sun. It was pretty idyllic. I came away wandering if we would ever have a similar scenario.
I got home to the news that two close friends of ours (married) had asked us to stop by, so we did. Only to find out that they are pregnant. This was the first time that I've been faced with news of a friends pregnancy where I genuinely had a hard time being excited and happy for them. I just wanted to run away. We were invited to stay for dinner but made our excuses to leave. I cried all the way home in the car and bawled when we got home. I felt terrible feeling like this as we had also discovered that they have been through a miscarriage that we weren't aware of. And so they have had their fair share of problems. I really felt that we probably came across as apathetic about their pregnancy and we both felt badly about that. They weren't aware of our fertility problems - it just hasn't come up before. So we called and explained our less than ecstatic reaction. It feels good that they know.
I was texting a friend today. She asked how my weekend was going. I told her about the pregnancy and that it had been tough. She responded without evening mentioning it. Why is this subject so taboo??

Ready!

I had the scan today and I have 3 follicles over 16mm and one that might catch up before the IUI which is scheduled for Friday. So that's all good. Not much was said about the cysts and I decided not to ask many questions. If I need to know anything they will tell me! I was utterly exhausted all day today. Slurring my words, making mistakes at work, looking terrible! I took a two hour nap when I got home from work as I have to stay up late to do a Pregnyl injection at 11:30pm. (My IUI appointment is late in the day on Friday so this injection needs to be later than usual too.) I can't wait to get off these drugs.

37

It's my birthday today. 37. Another year has passed on this journey. It was a mixed day. I was totally spoilt with gifts and lovely birthday messages and I spent most of the day with two close friends having lunch and shopping. But I was pretty grumpy all the same. I had a scan first thing this morning and I'm not responding that well to the drugs this time. I have some follicles that are 11 and 12 mm so they are nearly there, but the nurse also found some cysts. I don't know what this means and the nurse didn't answer my questions directly. What I do know is that they have halved my dose of Puregon because of the cysts even though my follicles are still too small. I'll be going back for another scan in two days so will be trying to get more information out of them about it. I'm feeling tired and low and fat and unable to talk about it all with my friends.

On the plus side, I'm in touch with an old friend/colleague via Facebook. She has been on a long and painful journey with fertility treatment and she is happy for me to bend her ear through all of this which is great. She seems to truly understand how I'm feeling. I'm really glad that I made contact with her about it.

Bad day

I had a bad day yesterday. I felt pretty angry and tearful. A friend has announced her pregnancy. We're waiting for the call to say that my sister-in-law is in labour - the whole family is so excited about it. I'm noticing pregnant woman and mothers even more than usual. Particularly women who don't seem to be doing a great job of it!
We went to a BBQ last night at a neighbours house. He asked if we were thinking of kids. We said yes, we're working on it. He went on to tell us how great it is. He's clearly a great Dad and very proud of his children. But I really just wanted him to shut the F up.

Sigh

Didn't quite make it to the 10th June! I had about 2 days of feeling normal again, and then PMT kicked in. Got my period this morning. So, back to the clinic tomorrow and back on the meds for the fourth and final round of IUI. I'm now feeling like we are destined to be childless which is a bit defeatist but I am beginning to lose faith. What will that mean? People I know are beginning to email me articles about fertility with the message "I saw this and thought of you". Great. Thanks. When you think of me you think of a barren woman... LOL. I don't want us to be the subject of people's sympathy. I don't want to be the reason that my husband isn't a father. I want him to have everything he deserves. What will we do if we can't have kids? Will any adventure that we can create fill the hole?
On the plus side, I saw a friend today who has two small children and she looks REALLY tired! And it's my birthday next weekend so I can still get drunk!

The wait begins again

The treatment went OK this month. Although I felt horrible on the Buserelin. Oh and the Pregnyl made me feel like crap too! I was really irritable, everyone was getting on my nerves. I've been very tired and had diarrhea. Great. I just did the final shot of Pregnyl yesterday and I'm waiting for the side effects to pass. Initially, after the IUI I was feeling positive about this try. Now, I'm scared to think that it might have worked. The disappointment when it doesn't work is crushing. I'm already Googling the early signs of pregnancy every other day to check if I have any! Crazy. And not healthy. We can do a test on 10th June...

Round 3

I got my period on Saturday and picked up my drugs on Monday. So we're now on Day 3 of my third round of IUI. My daily dose of Puregon has been boosted from 100iu to 150iu as I didn't respond that well last time. My scan is booked for Monday. I'm not sure if I feel hopeful or not... I definitely feel cloudy headed, bloated and tired already!

Back again...

I've been gone for a while and it's not because I've been keeping schtum about being pregnant! My period was very late but it arrived. I've been busy with the new job and getting worried about having to break the news of my fertility treatment to my new boss. I work in a small office so I can't just slip out to the hospital when I need to unnoticed. I work with three other women (all around my age) and so I've been hoping that they would be understanding. But you never know do you. I mean they've just recruited me and there I am announcing that I've trying to get pregnant and that I need time off to go to the hospital! I spoke to my boss about it today and she was great. "You're really valuable to us already and we will support you however we can". Very sweet. And what a relief. My period was really late last month so I'm not sure when it's going to kick in next. I'm 28 days today so I'm hoping it kicks in soon. I'm ready to get cracking again now.

Late

I'm 7 days late. My period this month went on and on so I wouldn't be surprised if this is making me late. Plus I've had PMT and a spotty chin. But wouldn't it be weird if I got pregnant while on a break from the treatment... Should probably do a test. Although I quite like the idea of pregnancy being a possibility rather than finding out for sure that I'm not. Silly. I'm due to start my new job on Monday so enjoying my last days of freedom in the sunshine :)

Moving on

I got my period just hours before going away for the weekend with friends, so had to put on a brave face. But I was upset. For some reason I started thinking about how, if I'm not able to have children, that my Dad's genes won't be passed on. He had 5 children. 3 of them are my half-brothers. Two of the five haven't been able to have children, one hasn't met the right person (or maybe he doesn't want chldren, I'm not sure) and the fourth has never wanted to have children. So in an odd way I feel it's down to me. My Dad was a lovely person and it saddens me that I might be the end of the line.
I went for an interview on Monday and have been offered (and accepted) the job. It's with the NHS which should hopefully make future doctors visits acceptable to them! I'm taking a break from the IUI treatment this month. Time hasn't allowed me to get going with it this week and they recommend a break at this stage anyway. Hopefully I'll be able to work the next round of treatment into starting the new job without too many problems.

Could I be?

It turns out, no.

Could I be?

All PMT symptoms have subsided. No cramping yet. And it's Day 30. The last three months I've got my period on Day 28 or 29. I'm stressed at the moment - I'm starting a new temp job and have 2 job interviews (one tomorrow and one on Monday). I'm also busy with my business. So perhaps the stress is delaying Aunt Flow's visit. But could I be???
I can safely test on Friday. I'll be working all day and then we are dashing off for the weekend. And then we'll be busy with friends, and drinking, all weekend. Probably better to delay any test until Monday, if nature doesn't intervene in the meantime. If I get offered a job and I am pregnant, I'd rather be able to honestly tell my employer that I didn't know I was PG when I was offered the job!

Not feeling very positive

I don't think I'm pregnant. My period is due anytime from Monday - 3 days from now. I'm feeling bloated and my moods have been swinging over the last few days. I just don't think it's happened. For as long as I'm not in regular work, it's not an ideal time. So it's probably for the best if I'm right. I'm considering taking a month off the treatment, just to give me more time to get a job before trying again. But on the other hand, it's much more convenient to be going through the treatment while I'm not in full time work. It's a dilemma.

IUI number 2

So, yesterday we did the second IUI. The first was so simple and painless that I had no concerns about going in for it. But I was in for a bit of a surprise. This time it was really uncomfortable and unpleasant. Apparently, each time I have an IUI they will alternate the type of catheter that they use to inseminate as it improves the chances of success. The catheter that the nurse used yesterday was longer and she put more liquid into my uterus. It left me with a very sore uterus for the rest of the day. Is it any wonder that the success rates for this procedure aren't great when your insides are constantly getting such a battering? If I was my uterus, I'd be saying "For God's sake, give it a rest, and no, I don't want an f-ing foetus in me thanks!"
Anyway, 2 weeks and 2 days from today I can do a pregnancy test. Unless AF comes first!

Gearing up for IUI number 2

At the scan on Friday there had been some follicle growth but not enough, and so I continued with the higher dose of Puregon over the weekend. I went for yet another scan today and we have at least one, possibly two, follicles that have grown enough and so we are going for the IUI on Wednesday. Feeling very positive about this one for some reason :)
My usual nurse really struggles to scan my ovaries as she says that I have an extremely retroverted uterus and the ovaries are really tricky to get to. This causes me a great deal of discomfort and I end up squirming all over the bed, willing it to be over. The weird thing is, whenever any of the other nurses do it, it seems to be relatively easy for them .... But I don't feel able to make a complaint about my usual nurse's techique when I'm in such a vulnerable position with her!

Lack of growth

On Wednesday, I went for my first scan of this cycle. I mentioned in my last post that I haven't felt the same physical effects of the drugs this time, and it seems that they're not having the effect they are supposed to have either. My follicles are only about 8mm. Very little growth apparently. So the nurse upped my dose of Puregon by 50% for 2 days and I'm going back in for another scan tomorrow. I'm still not feeling anything so don't feel very hopeful that I'll be ready tomorrow either. I seem to have a permanent cluster of zits on my chin though, which is nice! Still feeling blue a lot of the time. Trying to be positive but it's tough. Keeping my head busy with job hunting and working on my business. My sister in law just emailed a lovely photo of her 22 week bump. She's clearly getting excited now. Will it be me one day??

Blue

I'm four days into this cycle of injections and have a belly covered in bruises. I'm not as bloated as this time last month and my boobs aren't sore anymore, so hopefully my body is adjusting to the medication. Feeling pretty blue though... I've had a few knocks on my confidence work-wise this last week so that probably has a lot to do with it. And it's grey and dark outside. I could really use some sunshine! Just generally feeling a bit sorry for myself.

One IUI down, three to go

This last week has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. The waiting in the days approaching test day was, as accurately predicted by the nurse, pretty excrutiating. I started cramping on Saturday (5 days before test day) and assumed that my period was coming early. I got a bit blue and waited for it to happen. But the cramping stopped. Then on Sunday, the cramping started again. I started googling and discovered that cramping can be an early sign of pregnancy, as the uterus adjusts to the changes within. So, I got pretty excited about it. My period wasn't officially due for about another five days so it seemed that pregnancy was the most likely outcome. But no, 2 days before test day, Aunt Flo appeared on the doorstep. A most unwelcome guest. We were both pretty gutted and the thought of getting back into the cycle with the drugs again was depressing. My husband had mentioned test day to my mother-in-law so, not surprisingly, she called that day to see if I had done the test. I had already moved on in my head but her call made me realise how disappointed I really was. She asked me how I was feeling, and I realised that she was the first person to ask me that. I've told my Mum and several close friends about the treatment, but they don't ask me about it unless I bring it up. I appreciate that it's probably difficult for them as it's a sensitive subject, but when no-one asks it makes it feel so taboo or like they just don't really care. I put on a brave face for my mother-in-law and said "we're taking it day by day", "what will be, will be" etc, but really I felt like saying "this sucks!" "I'm really upset". So, why didn't I?

One week to go

I did the last of the injections on Saturday and I'm so glad to be having a break from the medication now. It's made me ridiculously bloated and my breasts have been painfully swollen. For the first time in 2 weeks I feel relatively normal. I don't like the idea that I might need to start the process all over again in a couple of weeks.
My other half keeps asking me if I feel pregnant. Of course, it's much too early to be able to answer that. I've got a big zit on my chin, which in the past has always been a sign of my period being on it's way. But with my hormones being so haywire who knows. From what I've read, an embryo wouldn't implant until 7-10 from fertilisation, so anytime from today... It's strange to me that with everything the medical industry knows about managing fertility, we are all still completely clueless as to what is happening inside me at the moment.
I didn't get the job that I interviewed for. Thoughts about maternity pay and child care costs etc are buried pretty deep in my brain for now though.

Waiting...

The IUI procedure went smoothly on Monday and so now we just wait. I need to do one more injection of Pregnyl on Saturday, to help develop the womb lining I think. As long as I don't get my period, we can do a pregnancy test on 2nd February...
The nurse decribed the 2 week wait as being hell-ish, but we've already waited so long that I don't see why a couple more weeks will be so bad. I've also got job stuff occupying my mind which is a good distraction. I went for an interview today. Not sure that I really want the job but the maternity benefits are pretty good so that's what is selling it to me more than anything!

First attempt at IUI

I had a scan on Friday to see how the follicles were coming along. The procedure was really uncomfortable as one of my ovaries was sitting very low and being difficult to read. But thankfully there were two follicles that looked like they would be ready by today, so we're booked in for the first IUI this afternoon. I had to do a different injection on Saturday night to make me ovulate and I'm definitely feeling the signs of that happening this morning. So, fingers crossed... How lovely would it be if it worked first time??

Needles and pins

I've been injecting for 4 days now. 2 each day, in my stomach. Buserilin with a syringe and Puregon with a pen. It's not something I'd do for fun(!) but it's not too bad. It seems like there isn't any consistency with which injection is going to hurt most, or how easy it's going to be. My other half is 'flicking' the injection site before I stab as this is supposed to help reduce the pain.
After the first jab, I felt fine for about 24-36 hours but then started to feel incredibly drowsy and jittery. A really unpleasant feeling and I couldn't focus on anything. Thankfully that has subsided. I've had some minor headaches and a bit of nausea since then. So we'll see what today brings!
I'm going for another acunpucture session today and a scan of my ovaries tomorrow to see if I'm ready for an insemination...

Jabs

Had a lovely Christmas and then the New Year hit along with thoughts of needles and side effects and trips to the hospital. I start the injections tomorrow. I'm fairly anxious about it and will be glad to get the first time out of the way so that I know what to expect. I keep reminding myself that diabetics and others do this every day.