One month old

N was one month old last Friday. In fact she'll be five weeks old tomorrow. D has been off work for Christmas for a little over a week now and we're working well as a team to take care of her. Letting each other nap and get things done when we need to and when there is an opportunity. N and I made it to the health visitor appointment on time for her weigh in. The health visitor is lovely but I did feel like I was being watched like a hawk as I undressed her and dressed her. It was boiling hot in the clinic room and I'd dressed her in a fiddly outfit so I was feeling stressed about it! I'll definitely be picking out the easiest baby-gro for the next appointment! N is still very calm and relaxed. She's a little gem :) Very soft and kissable and described by everyone as 'just perfect'. Her eyes were dark blue when she was born but they are gradually getting lighter now. I think they'll be a grey/blue colour eventually like her Dad's. Her hair is getting a little bit longer in the back and looks like D's when it's wet, indicating that she might have some curls :) Her face has already changed a lot and her cheeks are filling out like mine did when I was a baby! She's getting more alert and needing more stimulation. She loves taking in the world around her. She's continuing to grow out of her newborn clothes but she's still too tiny for the next size up (0-3 months)! People comment on how tiny they think she is but she is growing at around the 50th percentile so she's a good size for her age. She weighed 8lb 11oz at 3 weeks. She does seem to have a smaller head than other babies her age so maybe that's why she appears small. Her neck and legs and grip are already getting stronger. We think we've seen her first proper smiles! The first one was for Daddy, which I admit I was a little jealous about, but I've seen a few myself too :) You can see the smile in her eyes which makes it seem more genuine. They do seem to come more regularly after a feed though so maybe I'm kidding myself and it's just wind! Daddy calls her "squeaps" because she makes a lot of little squeaky noises. I call her Nia-bean and Nia-bug. We tried out a quilted sleep suit on her last week and for the first two nights of wearing it she slept through the night! The first night she slept from 12:30-6:30am and the second night she slept from 11:30-7am. Amazing! We couldn't believe it. It didn't last though, she has been up around 3-4am each night since then. Maybe it was a growth spurt. A friend of mine who has two little ones was stunned as her youngest (9 months) hasn't slept through the night yet. I felt a bit bad telling her!! We've been overwhelmed with gifts and cards and have had regular, but not too frequent, visitors. Oddly we have had very few cards and gifts from our immediate family. Siblings in particular. We're not really bothered as N has so much but to not even get a card is a little weird... I went to a baby resuscitation class at the local children's centre last week which also covered what to do in case of choking. It gave me confidence that I could do my best to take care of N if something like that happened. A scary thought though. We've been preparing for Christmas and putting up the tree was pretty emotional. We have an ornament that my mother-in-law gave us for our first married Christmas which was 16 years ago! Looking at it together and thinking about our journey to N's first Christmas with us got us both welling up. D put it very well - "I didn't realise she was missing until she was here". Physically I'm feeling a LOT better all of a sudden. I definitely feel like I'm healing and that I have bowel control again now which is great! I really hoped to have got this far before Christmas. I had visions of myself still wearing incontinence pants on Christmas Day :( My perineum is still a little swollen and if I think about sex it makes me nervous. I've heard that it can be painful for quite a long time following an episiotomy. I've told D and he is incredibly supportive. He doesn't want to rush me at all. We'll take it slow. I guess the key is not being nervous! We have both been calm about becoming parents and lots of people have commented that our calmness must be rubbing off on N. Calm parents, calm baby. Emotionally, I do feel slightly up and down. Sometimes I don't really feel a bond and feel like I'm not doing enough to bond with her and help her development due to the cycle of feeding, changing, housework. At other times, I'm bursting with love. I've also been adjusting to the change in the dynamic of our little family. I used to be D's favourite girl. Now there are two of us. I know there is still room for me but it's an adjustment. I told D and he was understanding and I've noticed him giving me a little more affection since which has helped :) I've breastfed in public a couple of times now. The first time I was with the antenatal group so we were all at it and in a very baby friendly cafe. I was also dressed appropriately for it. The second and third times as I feeding alone and wearing slightly less modest clothing so found myself feeling more uncomfortable and being worried about exposing myself and getting negative reactions. I managed though! D's mother-in-law is arriving from overseas tomorrow. It'll be great to have her with us until Boxing Day. She is so excited to meet N and I know that she won't interfere with our care of her in any way. I have a great relationship with her. A friend who is going through IVF has just had another failed attempt. I feel awful for her, approaching Christmas in that situation. She had two miscarriages previously, both leading up to Christmas. For me, now being part of a process which is so normal and easy for most people, it's almost hard to remember the struggle that we've had getting here. But I must always remember and not take any of it for granted for a second.

The early days

N will be three weeks old tomorrow! Time is already flying by too quickly. She has already grown out of some of her newborn babygros. Her birth weight was 7lb 8ozs, 19.5 inches and she is now 8lb 5ozs and about 21.5 inches. I know I should be pleased that she is feeding and growing well but it makes me a bit sad. I don't want this precious time to disappear so quickly! She is an amazingly good baby. She is really chilled and only cries when she is hungry or needs changing. Oh, and when she's being changed - she doesn't like being stripped down! She is an incredibly beautiful baby. I know, we WOULD say that! But everyone says so :). She pulls lovely faces, pursing her beautiful lips and trying out her smile muscles. She sleeps pretty well, only waking once or twice each night. I love my time with her feeding at night, drinking her in in the silence. Her Dad is besotted with her and loves to spend time chatting with her and getting to know her. It's wonderful to look at him sometimes and see his daughter in his face. Her grandmother is also madly in love. And the other one is itching to get to England to meet her in a couple of weeks. We've got out and about a little bit for short walks, midwife appointments and shopping trips. N immediately falls asleep in her buggy or the sling which Dad loves to carry her in. We can't wait to start preparing for Christmas now that we have our little angel to share it with. Life has become very simple. Making sure that we're all healthy, clean, fed and sleeping are our priorities. Everything else is superfluous. I feel so privileged that my job is now caring for this little gem. I'm slowly healing and definitely feel like I'm getting back to my old self now. I'm now 2lbs lighter than my pre-pregnancy weight! Partly due to the stomach bug that I had in the first week, no doubt, and also due to muscle loss. My legs and ass are quite skinny, not filling my skinny jeans! Not sure when that happened! I know I was quite lazy in the latter half of the pregnancy and I guess have lost a lot of water weight. I'm definitely feeling a bit weak and out of shape. I'm finding myself munching on biscuits and chocolates a little too much so need to curb that habit! I'm not really ready to do any exercise other than light walking as I'm still recovering from the birth. My swelling has reduced considerably and sitting is a lot easier now. But I still have some continence issues which is frustrating and a little worrying. The midwife tried to refer me back to the doctor about it but he said that it's too soon and that I need more time to heal before they review me. So I have to wait for my appointment to come through which will be between 8 and 12 weeks post birth (mid jan-feb) which seems like a long way away. Hopefully I'll see some more improvement before then. Thankfully things aren't so bad that my social life is effected. I'm fairly confident that I can get out and about without any major accidents occurring! Fingers crossed anyway... We seem to be getting into a bit more of a routine every day and I'm managing to get us both washed, dressed and fed a bit faster each day. Which is good news as we have a 9am appointment with the health visitor on Friday! Hopefully we'll make it.

Birth Story

I gave birth to our little angel at 3:34am on Wednesday 13th November 2013. I was 41 weeks + 3 days. My midwife had attempted two stretch and sweeps; one on Friday 8th and another on Tuesday 12th, but on both occasions my cervix had been too posterior to carry it out. The midwife felt that it was therefore unlikely that I would go into labour on my own before 42 weeks and I was booked in for induction on Friday 15th November. I was feeling really uncomfortable with the idea of induction. I desperately wanted the baby to come when she was ready but I felt that I should go ahead with the induction rather than take any risks. Not that I needed to worry! First thing on Tuesday 12th I had some mild period like pains and thought I had a bit of a show. However as it was just a little blood rather than mucus the midwife felt that it probably wasn't actually a show and asked me to call the labour ward if the bleeding increased at all. After the stretch and sweep attempt that morning I went for a reasonably long walk along the river in the autumn sunshine to try and encourage the baby downwards. When I got home I felt pretty exhausted and spent the rest of the afternoon on the couch napping and generally not feeling quite right. The period pains had continued and I generally felt a bit 'off'. Around 4pm, my husband phoned to say that he was on his way home and I expected him to be back by around 5:15. Then at 5pm, I started getting what felt like gas pains. Except that they seemed to be happening quite regularly! I timed them for a while and they were happening every 2-4 minutes. I thought 'I can't phone the birth centre with gas pains!' and so just sat it out for a bit longer. By 5:30, I phoned my husband and asked him where he was and that I thought maybe things were starting to happen. He calmly said he'd be home within 15 minutes and I then phoned the birth centre. They suggested that I get in the bath and that if it was false labour the pains would probably stop but that if I was still getting them at the same regularity in an hours time that I should call and tell them that we were coming in. With that, D arrived home and ran me a bath. I was in the bath for about an hour and the pains continued. D thought that although the pains weren't getting closer together they appeared to be getting a bit stronger but I wasn't entirely sure and asked him to make the call as to whether it was time to go. He felt it was better to be safe than sorry so he phoned the hospital and off we went. In retrospect, I don't know why I was so doubtful about it being actual labour. Looking back it was pretty obvious. I have a vague memory of an uncomfortable drive to the hospital, having contractions at the security desk and collapsing down into a forward leaning position over a chair in the birthing room. I was examined within an hour of arrival and I was about 4cm dilated. I was then allowed in the birthing pool and think I spent the majority of the labour in there. My memories of my labour include: My midwife really enjoying my playlist and singing along to it, but not really noticing the music much myself (I remember the noise of sucking on the gas and air much more clearly); Feeling urges to bear down with most of my contractions from fairly early on; Being extremely unhappy when I was asked to change position or get out of the pool to be examined; Swearing at D when he kept telling me to relax fully between contractions - "What do you think I'm doing, the f**king Macarena?"; Being regularly encouraged to nibble on flapjack and sip water between contractions by my excellent birth partner husband. He really was amazing and provided all the support I needed from start to finish; Asking what my pain relief options were at about the half way point, being told I could have diamorphine and then forgetting all about it my request with the next contraction; Being repeatedly told by the midwife that I was pushing in the wrong place and strongly disagreeing with her; Pushing for a very long time (2.5 hours) and being told that the baby was stuck on a ridge on my perineum. The midwife suggested lots of different pushing positions to try and get the baby out. I was in various positions on the bed and also on the birthing stool; The gas and air being taken off me towards the end to help me focus on pushing in the right place; Hearing the animalistic, guttural noises coming out of my mouth with each contraction and it feeling like I was listening to someone else; Finally giving birth lying on my side on the bed with D holding my leg up, and with the help of an episiotomy; Hearing D's yelps of excitement telling me that the baby's head was out but being too scared to look myself; Feeling the warm rush of fluid as the baby came out and hearing her cry; Being passed our beautiful baby girl and enjoying the first feed with her. Unfortunately the first wonderful moments with the baby were interrupted by problems with the third stage. I had planned for a physiological third stage but was so exhausted that I asked if I should have the injection. The midwife told me that the episiotomy had torn (third degree) and I had quite a lot of bleeding so she would need to give the injection to speed things up. Unfortunately despite the midwives best efforts the placenta and membranes wouldn't budge and I was told that I would need to go into theatre to have them removed and to be stitched. I was feeling really nauseous at this point too, perhaps from the injection, empty stomach, shock? All of our things and our new bundle of love were gathered together and wheeled off to the labour ward where I met with the anaesthetist and was prepared for theatre. D looked after the baby beautifully, getting her dressed and walking her around and talking to her. He was left with her while I was in theatre and he confessed afterwards that he was terrified of something happening to me. One of the theatre assistants popped in to see him at one point to let him know that I was fine which he really appreciated. So after making it through labour with only gas and air, I was then given a spinal block for the surgery. The theatre staff were really great and chatted kindly to me the whole time. It was very surreal watching my legs being lifted in front of me when my brain could very clearly still feel them lying on the bed! My nausea continued through the surgery and I was given a couple of different anti-nausea drugs. I was wheeled back to the labour ward afterwards where the nausea continued and I was violently shaking. I was desperate to start feeling better at this point! Our baby was passed to me for another feed and the skin to skin contact definitely started to make me feel better. The shaking and nausea finally started to subside. I was given a bed bath which was very welcome and left to rest for a little while. At some point, maybe around 7am?, we were moved again to the post natal ward. It took a few hours for my legs to come back to life and then the discomfort of the surgery started to set in. I was given morphine for the pain which really helped keep me comfortable but the main problem was trying to sit to eat and feed the baby. I was absolutely horrified by the swelling and the complete lack of distinction between my parts 'down there'! I really hadn't been prepared for it at all. I knew that there was something that I hadn't been warned about! Since the birth, I've had many knowing looks from other mothers and comments like "now you understand"! I was in hospital for another night during which I had some lovely bonding moments with beautiful girl while I had her all to myself. We all happily left for home the following afternoon. My recovery at home has been slower than I would have liked. It's taken a good couple of weeks for the swelling to reduce to a level where I can sit on the sofa without any additional cushions. I've also been suffering from some feacal incontinence which was compounded by diarrhoea from a sickness bug that D and I picked up during the first week (thankfully the baby didn't). The incontinence has been really distressing and I'm still very concerned about how long it will last and if it will get better. I'm hoping for a referral to the hospital about it very soon. The physical recovery has been an unwelcome distraction from caring for the baby. I've been feeling pretty sorry for myself at times and hating the limitations in being able to do some basic things for the baby. D has been on paternity leave and I don't know how I would have coped without him being at home with us. N is now 13 days old and D will be going back to work in two days and I know that I'll be finding a new 'routine' with N all over again with it being just me! We're finding our way every day and doing the best that we can. And loving every minute :)

Realisations

On Wednesday, I baked a cake in the morning ready for a visit from a couple of work colleagues in the afternoon. It was good to see them and chat about a variety of different things that kept me distracted from the lack of movement! D and I went to a pub quiz with some friends on Tuesday night as well. Then on Thursday I met my Mum for lunch. I still haven't slept well the last couple of nights as my back pain has returned since the baby changed position. I wonder whether it's also because I haven't been taking the magnesium as I've almost run out and was hesitant to spend money on more at this late stage. But after three days of discomfort I'm going to pick up some more today. Even if it only works on a psychological level that's fine with me! Anways, the midwife came to the house this morning to do the stretch and sweep. She started off with the usual checks (blood pressure, checking the heart beat) and all is fine there. My sister-in-law described the stretch and sweep as an 'aggressive pelvic examination'. Well, it certainly felt quite aggressive! She didn't use a speculum so was rummaging around deeply to find the cervix. I couldn't help putting up some resistance and did some deep breathing. I felt quite embarrassed that I had needed to do that when she stopped and told me that my cervix is still very posterior and she couldn't reach it! So there was no chance of a sweep today or to finding out if I'm dilated at all. She said that there isn't any point in trying again on Sunday and suggested that we give it another go on Tuesday and see where things are then. She also said that she will book me in for induction the following Friday in case nothing happens between now and then. Although it was reassuring to know that things aren't happening because the baby is clearly not close to being ready yet, I felt really disappointed and frustrated and a bit weepy again. I think is was the idea of actually being booked for an induction already. D asked me why that bothered me so much and I guess it's because, knowing our family history, I really don't want to rush her out if she's not ready and I'm a little scared of the contractions being more painful following an induction and the increased likelihood of further interventions being needed. I've spent the rest of this morning reading about other people's experiences of induction in online forums - probably not the most sensible idea given how people love to talk about their horror stories! - but it did reassure me in that everyone's experience was so different but they all said that ultimately their memories of the birth of their child are still positive because they had a healthy baby, and after the birth that's all they were focussed on. There were some sad stories of women who hadn't been induced who then went on to lose their babies. I also re-read my birth plan, which already seems ridiculously optimistic and idealistic(!) and realised that if it all goes tits up and I don't have anything close to the experience that I was hoping for, that it doesn't matter as long as the baby arrives safely. I accept that I need to take the advice of the professionals and that although being induced at 40 + 12 days may feel like I'm being put on a conveyor belt, that actually there are good reasons for hospital procedures being what they are to ensure the well-being of me and the baby. As our NCT tutor had said, we are living in the best period in history for maternity care and in one of the best countries for maternity care and so I feel more relaxed now that I will get good care and that I need to accept advice given to me (unless I feel very strongly otherwise!). One of the other NCT girls was also booked in for a sweep this morning, but I've just had a message from her that she has had to go into hospital as her blood pressure has gone up and she has protein in her wee so they have concerns about pre-eclampsia. We have a very healthy, active baby and I am also in good health, so I really don't have anything to be unhappy about! I need to enjoy these last days of freedom and relaxation for however long they decide to last...

Bloomin' hormones

On Monday night, I really didn't sleep well as the baby was moving A LOT! And on Tueday morning I was pretty sure that she had changed position. She was lying on my right side, back to front, and I was pretty sure that she had moved over to my left side, still back to front. Which is great, as this is the optimal position for labout. I saw the midwife yesterday and she confirmed this position and did the usual checks and everything is fine. She also offered to do a stretch and sweep that day (or Friday or Sunday) if I wanted one. I surprised myself and agreed to have one on Friday. I have always said that I would want to wait until 41 weeks before having any intervention at all, but the midwife said that the sweep usually doesn't work on the first occasion and that it is suggested that you have it done a few times before trying anything else. So I want to give myself plenty of time to do that before having any drugs administered as I really want to avoid that if possible. They will want to start looking at other options when I'm 12 days overdue (next Friday) so by having the first sweep on Friday I have another 5-6 days to keep trying the sweep method a few times. Although I'm quite happy with my decision today, I came home from the midwife yesterday feeling a bit wobbly about it all and asking myself if I'm jumping in too soon by going against my original decision. I came home and tried to relax with my hypno-birthing CD but had trouble focussing on it. Just as it ended, and I was coming around a bit, my Mum knocked on the door and peered through the blinds. Now, I know people feel differently about this but I personally think that popping in unannounced is really rude! I answered the door in a daze and she apologised for waking me up. I told her that she hadn't woken me up but that if had have done I would not have been happy! I'm generally very polite to my Mum and wouldn't want to hurt her feelings and so she looked a little shocked. She came in and asked how it had gone with the midwife. I felt very foggy headed and dozy and had trouble trying to explain what I had decided. She must have got the message that it was a bad time as she didn't stay long and let herself out. I'm worried that I'll need to set some ground rules now that I'm at home every day. If D was home with me, I'm sure she wouldn't just pop in like that. She usually always calls ahead. When the baby arrives, I definitely want to try and rest and nap when she does and I really don't want unexpected visits to become the norm...*sigh* I was furious with her when she left, I think just because it added to my sense of being out of control of things generally. When it came to explaining what had happened with the midwife to D, I had the same problem explaining my decision and kept losing my train of thought and as the evening rolled on I felt more and more wobbly and a bit weepy. D was great and was really supportive and understanding. But I hate losing control of my emotions. I know that I like to feel in control but I didn't realise quite how important it was to me until this week. I've just been messaging one of the other NCT girls who is also slightly overdue now and she said that it's bothering her more than she thought it would as well. For me, I feel that the way my labour goes is already starting to be taken out of my hands and I'm worried that all the things that I want to avoid are going to end up happening (ie, being induced with drugs, having to go into the labour ward rather than the birth centre, not being about to use a birth pool, having a long labour and needing pain relief that will effect the baby, needing an assisted birth or a C-section). I guess I need to remind myself that I do have a certain amount of control and that I can make small decisions as they arise. Other than that I need to just breathe and go with it!

Bye, bye due date

So another week has passed and so has the due date (which was yesterday). It's been a fairly low key week. D has been on half term and he has been happy to take things really easy, which has been good as it's forced me to slow down as well. We have tried to get out for a walk each day to encourage the baby into position and we've certainly got plenty of sleep. I've been sleeping for 8.5-9 hours each night on average and had the occasional daytime nap too! I made a brief video for the baby to let her know that we're excited about her arrival and to let her know the names that we have in mind for her (we've finally got a short list of five). Got quite emotional towards the end of the video and had to stop quickly before I started blubbing. We're going to set up an email address for her where we can send memories as they happen for her to read as she gets older, so I'll send the video to that. We've also been taking a bump picture each week and now that we've got to 40 weeks we've converted it to a time lapse video which is a nice momento :) I met with the NCT group again on Tuesday. All six of us were there this time with the 2 babies who had already arrived. A third has arrived since then. In theory, I'm supposed to be next! I've started to take some raspberry leaf capsules, although from what I've read I might have left it a little late. Apparently raspberry leaf tones the uterus and can help a faster second stage of labour so I'm willing to give it a go even at this late stage! We've also started doing some nipple stimulation (a bit tedious for both parties when you're supposed to do it for an hour a day!) and we're having sex (which is pretty comical at this point!). We went out for a curry on Saturday night too. Partly to try and encourage labour but also because it'll probably be our last meal out for some time. Not sure what else we can do other than wait! My Mum recently told me that my nan carried all three of her children for 10 months (in the days before induction). As my sister and I were both late, and D and all his siblings were late, it looks like family history is not on our side for an induction-free start! I would really like things to happen on their own but what will be will be. I have a midwife appointment tomorrow so we'll see what she says. Today I'm keeping myself occupied by getting ahead with the Christmas shopping!

Waiting...

So another week of maternity leave has flown by! I met three of the girls from my NCT group on Monday. One of them has had her baby and she talked incessantly about the birth and the early weeks. She just doesn't stop talking generally and her anxiety about adjusting to being a Mum was obvious. After an hour and a half of listening to her I was utterly exhausted and had to make my excuses! On Tuesday morning the health visitor came to see me. She turned up two hours earlier than expected and I was still in my pyjamas, but I figured that the next time she comes to see me I'll probably still be in my pyjamas anyway! D is a little anti-health visitors and I must admit that I felt her questionning about our lives and medical history was a little intrusive. But I believe that they have our best interests at heart and this particular health visitor does seem very lovely and supportive and that's how I have to view the visits. I saw the midwife for my 38 week visit in the afternoon and that went smoothly. All is still fine. My blood pressure has risen very slightly but it's still low, the babies heart rate is still good and her growth is still on track so no concerns. On Wednesday I went to see an old work colleague for coffee and on Friday met a couple of old work colleagues for lunch. In between I've been carrying on the list of cleaning, minor DIY and napping! D has been on half term break since Thursday and so we've been getting some practical things done together (taking stuff to the tip, figuring out the car seat, shopping, etc). For the last few days I've been feeling pretty low and grumpy. I just put it down to hormones but when it wasn't going away I started getting worried that this was the start of some kind of pre/post natal depression. Everyone has been saying 'oh, you must be so excited' but I've just been feeling a bit flat and anxious and overwhelmed. I was beginning to get a bit worried about not feeling how I should when the baby arrives. Anyway, I had a chat with D about it and he asked his sister if she had felt the same. She was very supportive and reassured me that I'll snap out of it and it's all to be expected. I feel a lot better today! :) We're about to go to the cinema - this could well be the last visit for a while!!

Countdown time

I've been on maternity leave for a full week now and it's been a pretty surreal time. It's starting to dawn on me that I'm now off work for a whole year and the reason is because a baby is going to arrive in our lives within a matter of weeks! It took a few days to wind down from work and I actually woke up at 3:30am on Monday! I've been trying to get the balance right between ticking things off my 'to do' list and getting some rest. Other than the usual back pain waking me in the night, I'm starting to sleep a bit better and for longer. But I'm getting tired a lot more quickly so bouts of cleaning don't last that long! I've been meeting with friends most days and some of them have kids so there has been lots of pregnancy and kid talk. I must admit that I'm concerned about my life becoming all about kids and being in the company of people who are happy for that to be the sole topic of conversation. Who knows, maybe I'll feel differently once we have our own child, but so far throughout the pregnancy I've become easily bored when people assume that it's what I want to talk about all the time! I had to have some more blood taken this week to check my iron levels and they have decided that I need an iron supplement. I'm not sure that I should be taking my magnesium supplement alongside it as apparently magnesium effects iron absorption. But I need the magnesium for my back and don't want to stop taking it. My iron levels are only borderline anyway so I'm not too concerned. So I've been doing some cleaning and getting on top of some other things (birthday cards and gifts, finances, shopping, plans for D's birthday party in December). I'm very conscious though that other things will follow behind that need to be done (ie, more cleaning, more shopping) and that there is only so much that I can do to get ready! I double checked my hospital bag last night and other than throwing in a few last minute items I think I'm ready to go. In reality I don't think this baby is going to come early. I think she's more likely to be a bit late in which case we still have a couple of weeks to go. D will be on half-term break from the middle of next week until the due date so we should have the opportunity to relax together. I have plans to see some of the girls from our NCT group tomorrow and the health visitor is coming to see me on Tuesday to explain what will happen with their visits after the birth. I also have another midwife appointment and plans to meet a couple of friends this week, so plenty to keep me occupied.

Two more days...

...of work that is. I'm so ready to finish! I'm handing over my work to the person covering my maternity leave this week and I'm getting in a panic as we are clearly not going to have time to cover everything. But why do I care? Next week I won't be giving it a second thought. Can't wait to be focusing all my attention on our little one instead. I really hope she stays put for a couple more weeks at least so that I can finish up the things that I want to do at home and rest a little bit. I saw the midwife for our 36 week check on Tuesday. All is well. Growth is good, heartbeat is good, my blood pressure is still low. My platelets have gone up so the low risk birth unit should still be an option for us. And we had our last scan today. Again, all is looking great. Her head is down and she's getting nice and low. We got a nice pic of her - she's definitely got D's nose! I'm not sleeping well - as is the norm these days. Recently I've been waking up with an achey back and having to do yoga stretches on the bed in the early hours to be able to get back to sleep! I certainly seem to be very well used to having broken sleep now and I feel OK for it most of the time. But I know it's nothing compared to what I'll be experiencing soon! My bump seems to be significantly bigger lately. If I catch sight of my reflection I barely recognise myself. My work colleagues threw a little surprise baby shower for me when I got back from the scan. Tea and cake and gifts, bunting and balloons. So sweet of them. They are great colleagues. They've been so supportive through all of the fertility treatment and so excited for us through the pregnancy :) One of the girls from the NCT group gave birth today. A gorgeous little boy. Another of the girls has been induced today so we're waiting for more news from her. Seeing things happening for them makes it all feel very close indeed now! So exciting. So terrifying. So amazing!

Chillin

Feeling a lot more relaxed... My cold is clearing and helping me think more clearly, I had a productive weekend getting things ready for the baby, I've made good progress with tying things up at work, I made contact with the friend who didn't come to the baby shower and we're making plans to catch up soon. Things are just generally a little calmer. My last set of blood results came back and my platelets have gone up again so giving birth in the midwife-led unit is still an option, and my iron levels are still borderline but my doctor isn't planning to do anything about it. Although he does want me to have some more blood tests: B12, folate and something else. I have a midwife appointment next Tuesday, our final growth scan on Wednesday and then I finish work on Friday! All being well, I'll be able to spend some time with my feet up as well as ticking a few things off my list such as stocking the freezer and cleaning the house! Looking forward to the weeks ahead! The baby had a crazy day yesterday. She wiggled and squirmed all day long, it was nuts. I think she may have shifted position slightly. I think she is still head down (hopefully) but maybe every so slightly lower?

Stress...

I've been feeling a bit stressed this last week. There seems to be a lot going on and time seems to be fast running out. Work is extremely busy - lots of balls in the air. I only have one more week left and then a week to handover to the person covering my post. D and I are making plans for his birthday in December. It's a big birthday but we're trying to keep it fairly low key as we know we'll be busy with the baby, but even still there is quite a bit to plan. There are still things to do to get ready for the baby - I'm very conscious that our hospital bags still aren't completely ready. If the baby decides to come early I want to feel (almost) as prepared as I would be otherwise. And my head is full of information from the antenatal classes and the books that I've been reading. My diary for October while I'm on maternity leave is fast filling up with friends birthday parties, colleagues leaving dos and last minute lunches with friends. And I have a long list of stuff to do while I'm off work before the baby comes. Just generally feeling a bit overwhelmed... I need to chill out, not worry about getting absolutely everything done and turn down invites if I need to.

Another cold!

I was really hoping to make it through this pregnancy without a second cold. It really does suck not being able to take anything. I'm off work and using all the natural remedies that I can think of to get through it - menthol lozenges, a nasal douch, steam, the occasional waft of Vicks and the occasional paracetamol when I get desperate. I have a lot to get done at work before I go on maternity leave in only three weeks(!) but I know that I'm making the right decision to stay at home and rest. My midwife called this week to say that the results of my last blood test had come back. Apparently my platelets have dropped again, now down to 133. I'll have to have another blood test soon to check them again and if they drop below 100 then I'll have to give birth in the labour ward, not the midwife led unit. I was wavering about where I wanted to give birth but now that the midwife unit might not be an option I'm realising that that is really where I would prefer to be. So fingers crossed that my platelets settle. The midwife said that it is common for platelets to drop in the latter stages of pregnancy as your blood flow increases and the platelets are basically diluted. She also said that my iron levels are 10.8 and they shouldn't drop below 10.5. If they do, they'll need to give me an iron supplement. I'm not a huge meat lover so I've been having broccoli and pumpkin seeds the last few days! Not sure if that will do the job. I just don't have a huge appetite with so little room inside me and now I have a cold I'm really off food even more. We've had a couple more antenatal classes in the last week. I've really been enjoying them and am reassured with everything that I've been hearing. My birth plan is just about complete as a result. As well as focussing on the labour and birth, we've been talking a lot about what will happen when the babies comes into our lives which has been lovely to think about :)

Baby shower

So my "surprise" baby shower happened on Sunday! I knew it was happening as D had it written in his diary and a work colleague sent me a text to say that she hoped I have a good time and sorry that she couldn't be there! So as soon as I entered the room I blurted it all out as I really didn't want to act surprised. I'm a rubbish actor! There was a really lovely crowd of people there. My Mum and my sister who made the trip from London to be there, two of my oldest friends (one who came down from Bedfordshire), some old and current work colleagues and my lovely friend who organised the shower and a mutual friend of ours. I know I said that I wouldn't take the absence of one of my oldest friends personally but I did! I gave her 24 hours to send the expected "sorry I couldn't be there" message and when she didn't I sent her a message to say that she had been missed and to ask if everything was OK. She said that everything was fine and that she'd just had a busy weekend. It did feel like a pathetic response and I do feel let down. But what can I do? Life is changing now and I have to accept that the people in my life might change too. Hopefully, if I lose some people I'll also gain some great new friends along the way too. Anyway, the lovely friend who organised the shower had really gone to a lot of effort with the decorations, food and baby themed quizzes.

And I received lots of lovely gifts including hand-knitted items from my Mum. I was really touched.

The right to moan

I had a bit of a public moan on Facebook last week. I had a list of physical issues that were getting to me and was feeling a bit sorry for myself. After posting it, I felt a bit guilty. How, after all the time we have spent trying to get to this point, can I dare to complain about anything?? I voiced this to some friends the following evening and they encouraged me - "milk the sympathy for all it's worth" they said! I still felt a bit bad. I'm trying to focus on all the positive aspects and just see the physical problems as a small part of it all. This has been helped along by the NCT classes. We've had another evening class and a Sunday morning class and we've discussed a variety of topics around labour and birth and early childcare. It's got me thinking more about the bigger picture. Also, a friend has given us three huge bags of baby clothes that she no longer needs. Washing and folding so many cute little things really brought home the wonderful journey ahead of us and the next few weeks and the labour feel like the blink of an eye in comparison. All of a sudden things seem to be getting increasingly busy. With finishing things up at work (I have 4 weeks left) and last minute preparations. It's all really exciting and kind of surreal. This bump in front of me is actually going to produce a beautiful child!

NCT

So we went to the first NCT antenatal class on Thursday. I really felt for D as he came home from work tired and we had to head straight out the door again for the two hour class. I think he could probably think of better things to do with his time. As it was the first class we had some of the obligatory team building stuff to deal with but other than that the class was worthwhile and the tutor was lovely and very relaxed. It was interesting as she actually re-iterated a lot of the stuff that my yoga teacher is always banging on about but in a clearer, more concise and less preachy way. The group seem really lovely and hopefully we'll get to know some of them better as time goes on and be a good support for each other. D came out of the class quite chatty about everything and I think he found it worthwhile too. We have 4 more classes and I'll also be going to the breastfeeding class too.

Time ticking on...

I had a routine midwife appointment this morning. All is fine. My blood pressure hasn't risen at all throughout the pregnancy. The babies heartrate is still good. She is maintaining the growth rate on my chart. My iron levels are fine. However, my platelet count from my last blood test was a little low. It's supposed to be between 150 and 400 and mine is 147 or something close. So I need to have my blood re-done next week to check that it's not dropping further. If it stays as it is then it'll be fine but if it drops below 100 then I'll need to see a consultant so they can 'make a plan' for the birth. I'm not concerned at this point. I've made an appointment for next Friday at my GP surgery for the blood test and I'll also be having a whooping cough vaccination to protect the baby as there has been a bit of an outbreak apparently. Have I mentioned that my vocal chords have been weird? I think it must be hormones. The tone of my voice is pretty unpredictable and I can often sound like a pubescent boy! My OH has hinted more about the baby shower that a friend is holding for me and who is going to be there, including one of my friends who doesn't live locally. She then sent me a text to say that she was coming down 'for a family do' and we've arranged to meet for coffee so I'm pretty sure it's happening sometime that weekend! (14/15 Sep). My OH (I'll refer to him as D from now on) was angry because apparently one of my very good friends couldn't make the original date. D was annoyed that she hadn't prioritised the shower. I was a little hurt at first too but having thought about it quite a bit I have to consider that she might not be too keen for lots of reasons. She hasn't ever expressed an interest in having kids but apparently she broached the subject with her boyfriend recently (boys are bigger gossips than girls!). Maybe she's just not interested in a baby themed event or maybe having a baby is actually something she quietly really wants but is concerned about it not happening due to her relationship/age/etc. So if she doesn't make it to the shower I'm not going to take it personally. My back and rib pain continues and I'm having good days and bad. I'm increasingly uncomfortable generally! I'm finishing work at 3:30 instead of 5 at the moment. I'm taking it as annual leave but my boss has said that I should just go home if I'm not feeling good enough to work and not take leave. She knows that I don't take advantage and that a lot of people would so she's being very flexible which is great. I had a massage on Saturday which was done on a normal massage couch but with warm water pads on top. I lay on my back the whole time and the therapist massaged my back between the pads and my back. It was really nice not to have to move for the full hour and it was very relaxing. I might have to squeeze another one of those in before the baby is born! When I got home afterwards my Mum had just arrived at the house and was waiting for me to get back. She wanted to know if I would like her to use some of my left over wedding dress material to make a christening gown. She wanted to check in case I thought it would be too old fashioned. What perhaps she should have been asking was whether we are planning on having a christening, which we're not! So I had to break that to her in my post-massage stupor. It was really nice of her to offer to make a gown and hopefully she's not too upset about it. I don't consider myself to be a religious person. I intend to educate my child about religion generally and let her decide for herself. D is a christian but he doesn't attend church and doesn't believe that our baby will be banished to hell if she's not christened. We like the idea of having some kind of ceremony but we're not clear about what would be right for us at the moment. We've thought about Godparents (or maybe Guideparents!) but we have quite a few friends that we would want to ask so it would be really hard to know where to draw the line. We'll give it some thought. The babies movements are definitely getting bigger! There are more large movements and she appears to still be in the same position (head down on my left side). It's still odd to think that there is actually a baby in there! I only have 6 weeks left at work now which will fly by I'm sure. My stuff for the hospital bag is slowly piling up and at our next midwife appointment at 34 weeks we'll be discussing the labour and birth. Our NCT (National Childbirth Trust) antenatal classes start this week. I'm looking forward to meeting some more mums, hopefully making some new friends and learning a bit more. I'm really hoping that D finds the classes useful too and benefits from meeting some other dads-to-be. We're getting close to this baby being here now!!

A tough week

I've had a tough week with my back pain and the pain has also moved around to my ribs (under my right boob). I googled it and found this page. This is exactly what I'm experiencing and the symptoms and the way to relieve it are exactly what I’ve been experiencing with the back pain too. I guess since the baby has moved it has just made the pain shift around to the front. My time sitting at work has been really tough going. So much so that I devised a plan to request to take annual leave from 3:30pm each day between now and just before I go on maternity leave. It's by 2-3pm in the afternoon that I'm starting to lose my mind with the discomfort. This would mean a total of 5 days annual leave which I would no longer have to add onto the end of my maternity leave but I think that this is a good use of the time. I'm also getting more and more tired and the rib pain, plus general discomfort, is affecting my sleep more and more so working a shorter day would be really welcome. My manager agreed to this for next week to see if it's the right thing for me to do which seems sensible. I'm really looking forward to walking out early and coming home to lie down, do some stretching and some other light exercise, maybe take a short walk and get some stuff done around the house to avoid sitting, maybe take a nap. I think it'll be a good move. At the last midwife appointment, my OH asked her what she knew about the magnesium citrate that I've been taking. She wasn't sure and said that she would look into it. She sent me a text later in the week so say that as there isn't enough research about it she didn't recommend that I take it. I can't bear the thought of going without it at this stage. So we were then left frantically asking anyone who might know for some reassurance. My sister in law asked a medic friend of hers who she trusts and she felt it was fine. And another medic friend said it should be OK. They are both Americans looking at different data from docs in the UK. So I'm still taking it... I feel pretty happy with this decision. I think a lack of research shouldn't be reason alone not to take it. But I understand that my midwife would have to advise me the way she did on those grounds. All of my organs seem to really be feeling the pressure now. Even sitting and lying around seems to put pressure on my lungs and the heartburn comes and goes through every hour. I don't know where she is going to go as she gets bigger! Hopefully I will keep stretching out front as there is no more room for her inside! The lack of being able to find a comfortable position has been getting me down quite a bit. I'm not sure how the remaining 10+ weeks is going to work out! Not sure if I've mentioned this before but I occasionally get very unexpected gushes of fairly watery discharge...which is nice! I'm now using panty liners pretty much all the time as a precaution... My husband is building a wooden box which will be a time capsule for our daughter to open when she turns 18. We have a few ideas about what we will put in it. The pregnancy tests, her scan photos, hospital wrist bands, the outfit that we will bring her home from the hospital in, a newspaper from the day of her birth, her first shoes, favourite baby toys, a savings bond of some kind, letters that we will write to her each year, a 2013 bottle of wine, her baby blanket, music from 2013, a collection of Christmas tree decorations (one bought each year), and I'm sure that we'll add to it. Maybe I'll print this blog too! I'm also planning to do a photo book of the pregnancy and her first year which she can look at before she turns 18. I've been half expecting that my "surprise" baby shower might happen this weekend. My OH told me that a friend of mine is planning one as he knows I'm not great with surprises and he didn't want me to worry that no one would throw one for me! But nothing so far...so I'm thinking maybe in the next 2 of 3 weekends  We did a bit more shopping this weekend for, to be honest, slightly dull things that we are unlikely to get as presents: nappies, muslins, cot sheets, flannels, baby bath and foam support, maternity pads, nightshirts and nightgown for the hospital. For the hospital, my OH bought a cute pink sports bag for the babies stuff and he and I will pack our own separate bags as well. I'll slowly start pulling the necessary stuff together over the next few weeks! It still hits me occasionally that we have come from the journey of IVF to actually buying nappies and stuff! So surreal. So lucky.

Good news

I started off this week feeling a bit nauseous in the mornings. I thought the morning sickness was coming back for the third trimester! But thankfully it’s passed now, so I don’t know what that was all about. We had our 28 week midwife appointment on Tuesday. She met us at the hospital as I needed to have an Anti-D shot as I’m Rhesus negative and so they do it in a clinical setting in case I were to have a reaction of any kind. We met in one of the birthing rooms of the Birthing Centre (the low risk birth unit). It was very quiet in there – no babies being born. There are three birthing rooms, two of which have a pool. They have birthing balls, beanbags and a birthing stool too. They were decent size rooms although not overly big for moving around in. If there were a few of you in there I imagine it would feel pretty crowded. I asked the midwife what the difference is between the birthing centre rooms and the labour ward as I’m not sure which I want to go with. She said that the labour ward rooms have more emergency equipment in tem and they are a little bigger, there is only one pool available on the labour ward and that it’s generally noisier and you can hear noise coming from the other rooms. My initial thought was that I wanted to be in the low risk birth unit but one of the doctors we spoke to after a scan suggested that it would be better to be in the labour ward in case there is an emergency. Although the two wards are very close to each other, she pointed out that in an emergency there isn’t time and it would be much better to be exactly where you need to be. So, now that thought is in my head I wonder whether we should stick with the labour ward to reduce any anxiety about it. I would prefer to be in a quieter environment though. I just don’t know… Being in the hospital seemed to really be a wakeup call for my OH! I think the reality of me being in labour and in pain was brought home to him. He’s talking about getting his hospital kit ready to go now! Anyway, the 28 week antenatal checks were all fine. My bump was measured for the first time, and although she is at the lower end of the ‘range’ (26 cms I think) the midwife assured me that this was perfectly fine. The heartbeat is still good and strong and at around 140 bpm. All very reassuring. A friend came over to see me on Tuesday night. She had told me early on that she was happy to share her birth story and I took her up on the offer. She was lucky and had a good, quick labour and she described it as not really that bad at all. She used a hypnobirthing CD for a few weeks before hand and she said she thinks that it really helped her to stay calm and that her midwife noticed it too. (Something else for the shopping list then!) She also pointed out that everyone focusses on the labour and birth but that it’s really important to prepare for the baby! She wasn’t aware how regularly the baby would need feeding when hers was born! I think I’ve been preparing myself reasonably well – watching videos about how to change nappies, etc, but it was a good point! Labour is just the beginning after all. I had an appointment with a gynae physio for my back pain on Wednesday morning. She was very kind and tried to be helpful, but I didn’t really come away with any advice to really help the pain. She confirmed that she thinks the pain is related to my scoliosis but there isn’t much we can do about a skeletal problem. She suggested trying some different chairs but they were all designs without back support and I know that good back support is the only thing that really helps me. She also suggested leaning forward onto a cushion at my desk, but I know that leaning forward is really uncomfortable. So all in all, not helpful unfortunately. On the plus side, I feel like I’ve tried all the options and got advice from as many people as I can (2 physios, an acupuncturist, my yoga teacher, friends, family….) and that I’m now at the point where I just need to do the things that I know help keep the pain to a minimum and remember that this isn’t forever! I’ve had the pain for about 8 weeks and I have another 8 weeks at work so I just need to battle on with it. I can cope so much better at home where I’m not seated all day. Bring on maternity leave! On Wednesday afternoon we had our 28 week scan. This is one of the additional growth scans that we were offered purely because we were IVF patients. We’ll have a final one at 35 weeks. The sonographer was really lovely and she clearly loves her job. She explained everything she was looking at really clearly and she was almost as excited about seeing it all as we were. We saw some really detailed pictures of the heart and all of the measurements were spot on. She described the baby as “textbook” which was really lovely to hear. One big surprise is that she’s moved to head down position! She has been lying across my belly with her head under my ribs on my right for weeks and weeks and she must have moved very recently as we definitely felt her head in its usual place in the last day or two. But now her head is down (yay!) and she is lying laterally on my left. So she only needs to move her spine around to the anterior position (spine facing forwards) and she’ll be right where she should be for labour. I was very pleased to hear this! I was slightly worried that she might be getting a bit too comfortable where she was and that I wasn’t helping by spending so much time leaning backwards to help my back. My yoga teacher had said that you need to create a ‘hammock’ by leaning forwards to give the baby space to move around. But it seems like the baby knows exactly what she is doing and hopefully she will stay head down now. I need to have faith in her and my body. #proudmomma Speaking of yoga, I’ve decided that I just need to keep my mouth shut during the chatting time! The teacher was talking about the support that partners can give and how some birthing ‘gurus’ suggest that perhaps men shouldn’t be present as they interfere with things when the mother should be left to focus on it by herself. And that men need to be given practical tasks so that they feel useful. So I asked what kind of tasks they should be given if they shouldn’t be involved too much. I was genuinely just a bit confused about what role they should be given but I don’t think my questioning went over very well for some reason. My question has answered very quickly (“they can make sure you drink regularly”) and then we moved on. I’ve come to the conclusion that the teacher likes the sound of her own voice and isn’t a very good listener. Oh well. I think the yoga itself is beneficial and I’m getting to know the other group members which is really nice. I mentioned the IVF to one of the girls and she was asking me about it. I said that now we are where we are, we feel extremely lucky and the journey of IVF is all starting to feel like a distant memory already! I had ordered a birthing ball and it arrived yesterday. I bought it into work today to try sitting on it instead of my chair (as suggested by the physio) but as I suspected it isn’t helping my back due to the lack of back support. But I will use it to exercise on and during the early stages of labour at home. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned that I’ve been working on my birth plan. I used my sister-in-laws plan as a starting point along with a phone app that I have. It’s coming together and I’m hoping that the antenatal classes that we’re starting next month will help answer some of the questions that I’m still not sure about. Getting excited!

Glowing, discomfort and 4D scan!

So everyone keeps telling me how great I look which is lovely! I've got a very neat bump so far and haven't really gained weight anywhere else, other than my boobs, which I keep getting told are huge! It might be partly my summer tan but I have to agree that when I look in the mirror I see a much healthier, shinier haired, brighter eyed version of myself :) My back pain seemed to have got better over the weekend and at the beginning of last week and I couldn't work out exactly which of my different strategies had helped it. I've been lying on my back in an Alexander Technique pose for 20 minutes a day, my OH has been giving me a brief massage each day and I'd been taking the magnesium citrate supplement recommended by my yoga teacher more regularly. As well as my back being a bit better, I've also had very loose bowels! I'd also stopped gaining weight and even lost a couple of pounds in a week. I remembered reading something about magnesium citrate sometimes being given as a laxative and so I stopped taking it for a couple of days. My bowels improved and my back got worse! Great. So now I've started taking a lower dose of the magnesium and I'll gradually build it up to see what happens. I was taking 200mg in the morning and another 100mg at night. I'm now taking 100mg in the morning and another 100mg just after lunch. I went back to the oocupational health physio for a follow up this week. She didn't give any further advice but she has referred me to an obs/gynae physio who helps pregnant women with ligament problems. I'm waiting for an appointment now. In the meantime the back pain has been a bit of a struggle at work this week. It's exhausting and by the time I get home from work I just want to lie on my back for the rest of the evening. But I know that lying on my back isn't good for the baby at this stage of the pregnancy. It's tough keeping comfortable. The heartburn has been pretty unpleasant too and that's worse if I'm lying down! I can't really win at the moment. I've had a couple of odd pregnancy symptoms. Every now and again I can hear by heartbeat in my left ear really loudly. It's usually just after I've exerted myself a little bit. I guess it's due to increased blood flow. Another one is that occasionally I get a dull ache/twinge very low down in my uterus. It's pretty uncomfortable but it doesn't last long. I asked my sister-in-law if she had it in her pregnancies and she said yes, and it gets more frequent as the baby gets bigger! Sleeping is getting more difficult. I'm conscious that I'm not sleeping solidly and I'm still waking up around 6am every day. So, all in all I'm experiencing the discomfort that you hear pregnant women complaining about in later pregnancy. The constancy of it is pretty tiring. On the plus side, we had a 4d scan this morning! They confirmed that we're definitely having a girl :) She wasn't being entirely cooperative though. She was curled up and her hands and feet were in front of her face so it was a little tricky getting some good pictures, but we got a few!

The debate has begun as to where the family resemblances lie. My Mum thinks she has her family's nose, one sister in law thinks she has my OHs nose and the other sister in law thinks she has my mouth. Only time will tell. As she still has 13 weeks of growing to do and she's currently under water, she will no doubt look a little different by the time she's born! But it's lovely to have a little face in my mind now :)

Fear and pain

I've had a slightly shitty week. The back pain has been pretty bad. Had a bad day at work with it on Monday and then tried a lumbar support on Tuesday morning which intensified the pain so much that I thought I was losing my mind and had to leave work early. My OH booked me in to see an acupuncturist on Thursday evening. She was very good and spent quite a lot of time looking at my back trying to find out the source of the pain. She suggested some things to try and did some cupping and put in some needles. My back was so tense that it pushed the needled out! I've come to the conclusion that the pain is being caused by a combination of the scoliosis that I've always had and extra pressure on my back due to carrying the bump. I'm getting to know the ways that relieve it but it's still exhausting to sit for any period of time. I've been feeling generally a bit more anxious and overwhelmed about things in the last week. Time seems to be flying by all of a sudden and I suddently felt the need to get organised with my hospital bag list, birth plan and understanding labour. I've started frantically reading up and taking loads of notes! I wish our antenatal classes were starting sooner than September. I've been reading about Braxton Hicks and I'm wondering if I've had a few of these already. There have been a couple of times where my abdomen has tensed up and reached a kind of peak around my belly button. I thought that it was the baby pushing out and tensing at the time but now I wonder... It wasn't painful at all, just a different sensation. I went to yoga on Wednesday night and the teacher really worried me. We were talking as a group about fears of birth and she asked if we had any stories and I mentioned that my mum had two very long labours. She pulled me aside afterwards and said that I'm likely to have difficulties too. I was feeling positive about the birth and she made me anxious. I felt like she was making a rash judgement on very little information. She said that it's likely that my Mum had a pelvic imbalance that stopped the baby finding the right position and she recommended that I have cranial sacral therapy but didn't really explain how this would help other than that it would release tension in my skull, spine and pelvis that might have been there since birth... My mum has made a drama of her birth experiences my whole life and it really scared me when I was younger, but as I've got more knowledgable I've become less fearful so it was horrible to go back a step! I know that I have to take what my yoga teacher said with a pinch of salt but she is a doula with a lot of experience and so I also feel that I should give her some credit too and consider what she suggests. I felt pretty pissed off and stressed last night that what is supposed to be making me feel more confident and positive about labour had left me anxious and confused. But having thought it through logically this morning, and having talked to my OH and sister in law I have gained some perspective. My mum gave birth 40 years ago for fucks sake. She was probably on her back the whole time, I don't think she had anyone with her (my Dad was watching the cricket!) and I doubt that she was very well informed about the process of labour. Although she speaks of being in labour for 5 days with my sister, I don't know how much of this was pre-labour, early-labour or active labour. I know that my experience will be completely different from hers anyway. And if I do run into difficulties I will be in the right place, I'm happy for the medical staff to intervene and help me if it's needed. *sigh* On a positive note, we saw the midwife on Tuesday morning for our 25 week check. She is happy with everything and the baby's heartbeat is strong and in the right range. Also, I chatted to a few more people at the yoga class. One of the girls that I was paired up with is called Antonia! To my OH this is the third sign that it's the right name! We haven't committed 100% yet though. I discovered that some of the other girls who are as pregnant as me or more so aren't as prepared as we are with buying stuff. And one girl is 39 weeks pregnant and is only doing her birth plan next week! I couldn't cope with that! She does seem extremely relaxed about everything though.

Update

Lots to mention since my last post: 1. My body is being prepared for earlier mornings - I'm waking up at around 5:55am every morning. Weird. 2. We've been getting the nursery a bit more ready by putting up some wall decals. It's looking really cute :) We've been leaving the door open so we can have a peek whenever we walk past.

3. I've been a little bit snippy to my OH recently, which he was none too pleased about... I really don't mean to be. The weather has been getting warmer and I've been getting a bit impatient and cranky. Oops. 4. We went on our last child-free holiday, our babymoon, last week. We spent a week on an island in Croatia. It was bliss. Really chilled. I only spent one day site seeing and I really struggled in the heat. Otherwise we took it really easy. It was great to have the time to wallow together in our happiness about the baby, and sit together every afternoon watching her wiggle :) We bought a cute monkey for her too.

5. We've been really struggling with names up until now. We had a couple of possibles (Cerys and Elsa) but nothing that we have felt really strongly about. The were some other names that we like but that are already too popular (Ava and Isla). On our journey to Croatia my OH had a name pop into his head (Antonia, with Toni as a pet name). We both liked it and and played with it for a few days. Then we went on a day trip to Dubrovnik and bought a little wooden bee for the nursery from a stall-holder. She told me that I had to name it and I asked her what she would name it. And she said Tony because her son is called Antonio. Weird! So this one seems to be sticking more than any others. We're going to wait until she's born before making any final decision though. And I don't want to share this idea with anyone. People have such strong opinions, I don't want to be influenced.

6. I suffered quite badly with acid reflux on holiday. A couple of times I woke up choking on it which was awful. I think it was probably eating so late in the day. It's been much better since we got home. Certain things definitely trigger it though: chocolate (boo!), the green tea that I drink, mint and bending over. 7. The back pain is ongoing... I had a workstation assessment at work just before we went on holiday (I'm now using a different chair and my monitor has been moved) and met with a physio (who has given me some stretches to try). I was really hoping that a break from work would help too but I suffered a little bit on holiday during the rare times I was sitting (rather than walking or lying) and now I'm back at work it's come back again just as bad as before. I forgot to take the magnesium supplements while I was away so I need to start popping those again. Looking forward to getting back to the yoga class tomorrow night for a bit of relief. I'm really hoping that, just like so many symptoms with this pregnancy, that this will be a temporary problem.

Belly movements!

I saw my belly move for the first time this week! So exciting :) I'd just got back from my first pregnancy yoga class which was really nice. Really chilled, plenty of time for chat and to get to know the other mums to be. Looking forward to the next class. I got home and was just sitting on the sofa on my own and then felt the baby moving. I was stroking my belly and saying hello and there is was, a little bounce! So cool. We're both obsessed with seeing it now! She is moving a lot more generally. I used to notice it about three times a day but now it's all through the day, on and off. Love it! On the down side, I've had a lot of aches and pains lately. I've had some sciatic pain which is really annoying but worse than that is an almost constant pain across my back, just under my shoulder blade. It's most noticeable when I'm sitting, which is almost all day at work! I've tried doing some things to change my position a bit at my desk but the only thing that seems to help is keeping moving, which is petty tricky in my job. At home, I've taken to lying on the sofa instead of sitting whenever I can. The pain has been getting me down and I really want to find a solution but I don't really know what's causing it. I have a mild scoliosis which may be part of the problem and why I'm only feeling it on one side. It doesn't usually bother me but the pregnancy and my ligaments stretching could be the issue. I spoke to my yoga teacher about it and she recommended taking a magnesium citrate supplement. Apparently this type of magenesium is absorbed really easily and, amongst other things, can really help muscles relax. One of the other girls in the class had found that it's really helped her back pain. I'm getting pretty desperate so I've paid £20 for a 30 day supply (!) online and can't wait for them to arrive! I have an appointment with a physio through my job's occupational health service next Friday so hopefully that will be of some use too. Another thing to mention from recent weeks is that I've noticed my OH's provider instinct coming out - big time! He's all about increasing his income and working his ass off at the moment. He always works hard but he's stepped it up a notch :) I want to reduce my hours from full time to three days when I return from maternity leave and my boss doesn't think this will be a problem at all which is great. My Mum is very keen to provide childcare and is happy to cover the three days which is also fab! We've spoken to her about money and she doesn't want paying but we plan to give her the child benefit which we will get which is £20 a week. It feels mean, but that's what she's happy with. On the plus side, my OH gets long school holidays so she will too!

Life is good!

Everything has been ticking along really well. Other than heartburn I've been feeling really good. Slowly getting bigger. Slowly buying more maternity clothes! I went shopping for a bikini recently for our upcoming holiday which was a bit challenging as my boobs have got so big that the styles that I would usually go for were off the list! On the 16th it was Father's Day, which is usually a tough day for me as I lost my Dad ten years ago. A work colleague suggested that I could buy my OH a gift which sounded like a lovely idea. So I bought a book for us to read to the baby and a card. He was really touched.

On Wednesday we had the 20 week scan! We were so excited for it. Desperate to find out the sex so that we can start visualising the baby more and for the practical reasons like choosing names and buying stuff! The scan went really well. The nurse was a grumpy so-and-so but she told us what she was looking at as she moved around the baby and confirmed that everything was fine :) The detail of the spine, and in particular the details of the heart, were amazing. We could see the four chambers and the valves moving. Incredible. And then the exciting bit - finding out the sex. We got a clear shot between the legs from underneath and there were three little lines and no bulge indicating a girl! The nurse wouldn't confirm 100% but said it was 90%. It's weird, I thought there would be a big "Aaah, it's girl" or "Aaah, it's a boy" moment, but I guess as we both completely didn't mind either way it was just really nice to know :) Despite drinking a bottle of Coke before hand she was feeling pretty lazy! She was lying with her back to us and didn't want to cooperate with having her picture taken! The nurse kept nudging her to try and make her move but she wasn't interested. So it was a little tricky to get a clear profile shot. The two that we got look so different. In the first she definitely has my OH's nose, but in the second she looks like a sea creature!

We saw the doctor after the scan and she was lovely. She said that as it's an IVF baby we can have two more scans if we like. There is no clinical reason why they are needed as everything is normal but if we would like the reassurance then the offer is there. They would be at 28 weeks and 34 weeks. We said yes, as why not?? It'll be lovely to see her continue to grow and to be sure that everything is going well in there. I feel like we've earned it :) It was a beautiful day and we walked home eating ice cream on a high. We had already previously discussed having a 4d scan done as well if the sex was unclear but even though it's pretty clear we've decided to go for a 4d scan anyway. It's quite expensive (£119) but this may well be our only baby and so why the hell not! It'll be incredible to see her in even more detail. We have to wait a little while as apparently it's better when the baby has put on a bit of fat, so we're booked in for the 4th August. The 20th was my 39th birthday - so it was lovely to still be buzzing from the scan. I had lunch with my Mum and then we went shopping. She bought us a moses basket and stand and I bought a couple of cute girly clothes :)

Unfortunately I got some really sad news though. I heard that a former colleague had passed away. She was still young (late 40's I think), a truly lovely person, happily married with a close family. She had a heart attack. Such sad news. I also heard that a friend was has just started IVF has had an unsuccessful first attempt. The eggs that were collected didn't fertilise. She must be really devastated to have got that far and not have an embryo. Both events made me feel so lucky that we are all well and that we have got this far.

Loving it!

The daily movements are soooo LOVELY! It makes me so happy to feel this little one squirming around! At just 18 weeks and 3 days my OH got to feel the baby move too! We were lying on the sofa together and suddenly I felt what could only be a kick. I had my hand on my belly at the time and grabbed my OH's hand to feel it too. The baby responded with a couple more good efforts and he felt it :) We were both in shock as it seems so early for that! I read that the thickness of your abdominal wall will play a part and as I'm not a big girl it makes sense that we would feel it earlier on. He was in shock! It hasn't happened against since though. I've been feeling lots of different things, less of the flips and more of the bubbles and flutters that I heard about before. But nothing as aggressive as that time! It was as if the baby knew that we were both there and wanted to say "hey, yep, I'm really in here!" Amazing. Whenever I feel it now, I feel like I have an amazing secret :) One more week til the scan and hopefully finding out the sex! We can't wait. I'm planning on having a little bit of sugar before hand to encourage the baby to be moving around!

18 weeks and flipping!

The time is flying! I can't believe it's only 2 more weeks and we're half way! I'm definitely looking pregnant now, not just chubby :) I knew that I might start feeling the baby move and it started about a week ago which is really early for a first pregnancy. At first, I didn't realise that that is was what I was feeling. Everyone describes it as flutters and bubbles, but for me if feels like flips and rolls. Kind of like when you are on a rollercoaster and your stomach flips, but not as intense as that! I read a quote somewhere from someone who was feeling the same thing and didn't realise it was the baby, so that confirmed it for me that it was the baby that I'm feeling. Now I'm feeling it most days and I love it. I really look forward to the next flip :) It usually happens in the mornings but a couple of nights ago it actually woke me up! I woke up thinking "ouch, what the hell...ohhhhh!!" :) I've definitely started to pee more regularly again too. Almost hourly, and often I don't actually go very much when I get there. My mother-in-law sent us a really cute, non-gender-specific, going home outfit that she knitted. It looks like a long hoody but it's actually like a little sleeping bag, and the scarf is so cute. Apparently that's the bit that makes it British...? We love it. Can't wait to get our little new born into it for the journey home. Our pile of baby stuff in the nursery is growing... we've added a cot mattress and a car seat to this picture now too. So everything is ticking along very well on the baby front. Except one of the things I've noticed is how people react so differently to the news and how often people don't react how you expect them to. One of my closest friends hasn't asked me anything about the pregnancy or how it's going. I know that she's not overly interested in talking about kids or spending time with kids and I'm certainly not interested in talking about it for hours on end but it's odd that it just doesn't come up. There is some tricky stuff going on with our friendship anyway and I'm concerned that partly due to those issues and partly due to the bump, that we might drift apart. We've been friends for over 20 years and it makes me really sad that this might happen. I'll certainly be doing everything in my power to keep our friendship going strong, but it takes two. I hope I'm wrong to be thinking this way.

Heartbeat!

We had our 16 week visit from the midwife today and she listened to the heartbeat - so we did too! It was so lovely. Partly due to the fact that I needed some more reassurance that everything is OK (I've been feeling more normal lately and less pregnant!) And partly because it was just so cool :) The heartbeat was really strong and the midwife said that it sounded perfect! My OH videoed it so we could listen again at our leisure and also share it with family and friends. It was really hard to concentrate at work today and I kept having another sneaky listen when ever I got the chance :) We did a bit of baby shopping yesterday - got the cotbed and some bedding. Lots more to buy but the nursery is filling up - I can't resist a little peak in the door each time I walk past.

A little dip

I haven't been feeling too great these last few days. The indigestion, bloating and heartburn has been really making me uncomfortable, and I've been feeling a bit low in mood for no apparent reason. The nausea has continued a little bit and I've had some really low energy again. I really thought that I was coming out of that period, and I guess when I think about it I really am feeling a lot more energetic than I was, but still not great. Hopefully things will continue to improve. I feel bad complaining about it after wanting to be in this position for so long but feeling crappy is never fun and it's dawned on me that I haven't really felt normal since before the last IVF cycle! My other half knows that I don't really like surprises and so he has told me that a friend has asked him if he thinks I would like a baby shower. I'm not supposed to know, and I won't know when it's going to happen, but I'm really thrilled that she would do this for me. We're at 15 weeks now and the bump is slowly but surely getting a little more noticeable! We meet the midwife on Monday and will hopefully get to hear the babies heartbeat :)

Getting personal

Can't believe it's 14 weeks already now! Over the last 2 weeks I've really been starting to get my energy back (apart from needing the occasional nap) which has been great as it's given me the motivation to do a few things at home to get things ready. Like finally finishing painting the rocking chair! New symptoms include indigestion in a big way - fullness, burping, bloating, heatburn. It's pretty uncomfortable. Trying to eat small portions but I often forget... And often I really want to eat something but feel like I don't have room. The bump is still barely noticeable to everyone else, but we can really see the changes, particularly when comparing weekly photos. It seems to be moving upwards now. I think in the next week or so it'll really start to pop out. Clothing is starting to get tricky. I've bought a waist expander belt for my regular trousers and a bump belt which I haven't used yet. I also bought a pair of maternity leggings but they are really baggy! It's annoying that a lot of stores don't stock their maternity lines, you have to order online. I have trouble finding stuff to fit anyway as I'm short so I think my purchases are going to be a bit hit and miss. My Mum took me out for lunch this weekend and we went in a few baby shops afterwards to browse. She's so excited and bought us a few gifts. She has also pulled out some baby things that she had at home including my own baby blanket :) It seems that she has also been quietly buying some baby things over the years since we've been trying. She has lots of lovely books already, to keep at grannys house :) I'm named this post 'getting personal' as I'm already noticing how people seem to find it very easy to speak their mind to you when you're pregnant, either their advice or their observations. Someone that I barely know asked me if I thought I had put on weight! Cheeky! I've only put on a few pounds which I think is right for this time. It's not like I have a huge ass suddenly. I hope! It's amazing that when I was having fertility treatment people found it so difficult to talk openly, or even to talk about it at all, because it's such a personal subject. But now, it seems to be no problem at all! We are very lucky and have some amazing friends and family in our life. My wonderful sister in law (and friend) and her husband sent us this lovely care package today :)

Happiness

Well, our 12 week scan day was definitely the joyful day that we were hoping for! It was on a Tuesday and we were both working so met up in the afternoon to go to the hospital. The ultrasound waiting room was not the happiest place to be. It was really busy and hot and everyone had clearly already been waiting longer than they were happy about. We were kept waiting a long time too, nearly an hour. They weighed me, asked for my height and took my urine and blood samples. The nursing assistants were less than chipper! They ask you to attend with a semi-full bladder and when we finally went in for the scan I really needed to pee, but then when the doc started scanning me she said that because I have a retroverted uterus my full bladder wasn't helping the image anyway. My bladder just wasn't in the right place in relation to my uterus to help. So after looking around for a while and confirming the heartbeat (phew!), she asked me if I minded having an internal scan so that she could get a better image. Like I give a sh*t about internal scans anymore! She let me pee and then she did the internal scan which gave us a MUCH clearer image. It was so unreal to see our little one looking like a proper little person and moving around! An awesome moment. My OH was literally in shock afterwards with the reality setting in :) Here are a couple of the pics. The first one is the external scan - a little fuzzy but I like seeing the profile and the little hand :) And this is the internal scan. Although the detail amazing, I can't help thinking that it looks like it has the jaw and mouth of a puppy. I've seen it and now I can't unsee it! The doctor said that everything looked really great and she adjusted the due date slightly from 5th November to 3rd November. So we left happy with a date for our 20 week scan of 19th June. We both had to rush back to work which my OH was stressed and unhappy about. But we took a little bit of time to send a few messages to my family and close friends. People at work were thrilled for us and it was so lovely to be able to finally share it with everyone. I finally got to spend some time with my OH at about 9pm! We rattled off a Facebook message (this felt like the biggest milestone of all, I have imagined doing this so many times) and spent the rest of the evening watching the lovely comments coming back. I even had a phone call from an old friend who lives in Amsterdam to congratulate us! I can't help feeling a bit sad that I haven't heard from a few family members, in particular my sister. I let her know about the pregnancy by sending her a video of us telling Mum, and I've sent her pictures and messages following each scan. She has only replied with very happy but very brief messages. No phone call. No, how are you feeling? No, when is the baby due? No, I'm so happy for you after all you've been through. People can be strange sometimes. The last few days I have been feeling extremely full and have found it really difficult to eat. It was so uncomfortable. I also had a few more days of being extremely tired. But last night I slept like a log for the first time in a few weeks and today I've had a lot more energy and the fullness has gone. One thing that I have noticed with all these pregnancy symptoms is that they are all pretty fleeting, thankfully! My next appointment is with (yet another new) midwife at 16 weeks. Apparently I'll get to hear the heartbeat :)