11 months old

N is beautiful, adorable and fun with a gorgeous smile. She has two smiles actually. Her wide open-mouthed smile showing off her four teeth, and her closed-mouth smirk (my personal favourite). She loves to cuddle! She will do it on request and will reach out unexpectedly on a regular basis. She is practising standing, and we count quickly for her to encourage her. We've counted to 160 so far! She's started to confidently cruise around the furniture and she has even taken her first step unaided. We go to Bounce and Rhyme at the library most weeks where we sing nursery rhymes and we go to play group once a week now too. N is starting to interact with other children which is fascinating to watch. She's not at all shy and will bound in to play with others. We still go to Turtle Tots for swimming lessons on Sunday mornings and it's so good to see N progressing. She's very confident and I can feel her wanting to pull away from me and swim on her own. She also spends one afternoon a week with my mum. This gives me a break to catch up on things and Granny LOVES her time with N so much. Sadly, N had conjunctivitis again and a run of colds and she had a few days of miserable teething which hasn't yet resulted in any more teeth. This illness and unhappiness meant a period of time when her sleep was really disrupted. It was even harder than usual to get her to bed at night and she was waking every few hours. Her sleeping is erratic at the best of times but this particularly tough period meant that I really didn't have any time to myself in the evenings and I was going to bed even more anxious than usual about what the night ahead was going to bring. D was sleeping on the sofa so that he could get a good nights sleep which is really important as he drives a lot for work, but I felt very lonely. I've also been thinking about the return to work and went into work for a couple of half days to 'keep in touch'. This brought my anxieties about the return to work to the front of my mind and the time in the office meant that I lost the time that I usually have to myself when my mum has N. D was extremely busy with work and I found it tough to keep on top of things. I was feeling pretty low for a while and felt like I was giving myself to others 100% of the time. An old stress related dermatitis came back on my eyelids. I hadn't had it since I was going through IVF. I went to the doctor to get some cream for it and she said that it was probably good that the stress was coming out physically rather than in other ways but that it probably means that I'm bottling things up, which is absolutely right. The babies in our NCT group have starting having their first birthdays! I've felt very emotional about it at times. The first year, almost over already. My maternity leave has officially come to an end now. Thankfully I have a good chunk of annual leave to take before I go back and at least I start getting paid again now! N is clearly understanding some words now. In particular, no and cuddle. She loves apple slices at the moment. She will sit for ages chomping away on them. She loves flicking through the pages of her books. Well, any books. And she loves stealing my slippers off my feet! Her absolute favourite place to sleep is on daddy's chest. She is an absolute joy to spend my days with.

8 months old

N is 8 months old! She weighs 9.1kg (20lbs) and is 28 inches long. Each month gets faster and faster.... She is so much fun, recognising us and smiling all the time. She charms the pants off everyone. She seems to have really developed in her communication skills this month. She is starting to form words! She is saying mamamama and she has tried very convincingly to say cat a couple of times. She definitely recognises the sign for cat. She took her first train journey (to a local station) but didn't seem particularly impressed! She had been dancing on her bum to tunes that she likes and trying to sing. She LOVED watching Dolly Parton performing at Glastonbury in TV. She loves banana toast and satsumas. She is pushing up onto her knees, and is desperate to crawl. She is using her pincer grip! Even when her whole fist would work better :) She really loves a book that we borrowed from the library called "Peter rabbit I love you" from the library. She loves you peekaboo mirror in it. She loves mirrors in general at the moment! We had a bit of a scare this month. We noticed that N had starting twitching a few times a day so I called the health visitor expecting her to say that it's a normal thing as they develop control of their muscles but instead she told me to take her to the doctor. The doctor wasn't too concerned as N is otherwise thriving but told me to try and get some video footage of it. That evening we managed to get some footage and the twitches in the footage were particularly strong and scary. It was a Friday night and so we had to wait all weekend to see the doctor again and we were really scared and thinking the worst - that it might be epilepsy or a brain tumour or something awful. On Monday morning we saw a GP and she arranged for us to take N to the paediatric assessment unit at the hospital that morning. The GP wasn't overly concerned but she knew that we were due to go to Spain on the Wednesday so understood that we wanted some reassurance ASAP. We spent all day at the hospital. Lots of waiting and seeing various doctors who were all really helpful and informed. They said that N would need an EEG to help them work out what is going on. They managed to get us an EEG that afternoon, again to enable us to be reassured before going on holiday which was great. N had a little net put over her head and little sensors attached to it. She played, fed and slept quite happily as it was done. We got the EEG report the next day and as N actually twitched during the EEG they were able to confirm that the twitches aren't related to epilepsy and they diagnosed Benign Infantile Myocolonic Spasms which basically means that they aren't harmful, don't need treatment and will probably go away by themselves by the time N is 2 years old. This was such a huge relief and we were so grateful for the fast diagnosis. We're really learning more each week what it is to be a concerned parent! So we went on our first family holiday to Madrid. I was a bit nervous about travelling with a baby but it went pretty smoothly. The only difficulties were in travelling to and from the airport. We booked a private transfer car and asked for a car seat. They had one in the car, for a small child not a baby and it was broken! So in both directions N had to sit in my lap which was pretty scary. Also, N got conjunctivitis while we were away and so we had to call a doctor to the hospital. Other than that she was a great travel buddy and she completely soaked up the experience. She had lots of firsts on this trip: first flight (she was a dream passenger), first subway ride, first time she had mint choc ice cream (and loved it as much as mum and dad do!), first trip to the zoo (particularly loved the aquarium), first gay pride parade! D is now off work for the summer and so my daily routine has changed a little. It's great to have extra help with N and enjoy quality family time together. Over the last few days I've felt a change in my hormones. I've got spots around my chin and I've been feeling premenstrual so I've been expecting my period to start again, but nothing just yet...

One month old

N was one month old last Friday. In fact she'll be five weeks old tomorrow. D has been off work for Christmas for a little over a week now and we're working well as a team to take care of her. Letting each other nap and get things done when we need to and when there is an opportunity. N and I made it to the health visitor appointment on time for her weigh in. The health visitor is lovely but I did feel like I was being watched like a hawk as I undressed her and dressed her. It was boiling hot in the clinic room and I'd dressed her in a fiddly outfit so I was feeling stressed about it! I'll definitely be picking out the easiest baby-gro for the next appointment! N is still very calm and relaxed. She's a little gem :) Very soft and kissable and described by everyone as 'just perfect'. Her eyes were dark blue when she was born but they are gradually getting lighter now. I think they'll be a grey/blue colour eventually like her Dad's. Her hair is getting a little bit longer in the back and looks like D's when it's wet, indicating that she might have some curls :) Her face has already changed a lot and her cheeks are filling out like mine did when I was a baby! She's getting more alert and needing more stimulation. She loves taking in the world around her. She's continuing to grow out of her newborn clothes but she's still too tiny for the next size up (0-3 months)! People comment on how tiny they think she is but she is growing at around the 50th percentile so she's a good size for her age. She weighed 8lb 11oz at 3 weeks. She does seem to have a smaller head than other babies her age so maybe that's why she appears small. Her neck and legs and grip are already getting stronger. We think we've seen her first proper smiles! The first one was for Daddy, which I admit I was a little jealous about, but I've seen a few myself too :) You can see the smile in her eyes which makes it seem more genuine. They do seem to come more regularly after a feed though so maybe I'm kidding myself and it's just wind! Daddy calls her "squeaps" because she makes a lot of little squeaky noises. I call her Nia-bean and Nia-bug. We tried out a quilted sleep suit on her last week and for the first two nights of wearing it she slept through the night! The first night she slept from 12:30-6:30am and the second night she slept from 11:30-7am. Amazing! We couldn't believe it. It didn't last though, she has been up around 3-4am each night since then. Maybe it was a growth spurt. A friend of mine who has two little ones was stunned as her youngest (9 months) hasn't slept through the night yet. I felt a bit bad telling her!! We've been overwhelmed with gifts and cards and have had regular, but not too frequent, visitors. Oddly we have had very few cards and gifts from our immediate family. Siblings in particular. We're not really bothered as N has so much but to not even get a card is a little weird... I went to a baby resuscitation class at the local children's centre last week which also covered what to do in case of choking. It gave me confidence that I could do my best to take care of N if something like that happened. A scary thought though. We've been preparing for Christmas and putting up the tree was pretty emotional. We have an ornament that my mother-in-law gave us for our first married Christmas which was 16 years ago! Looking at it together and thinking about our journey to N's first Christmas with us got us both welling up. D put it very well - "I didn't realise she was missing until she was here". Physically I'm feeling a LOT better all of a sudden. I definitely feel like I'm healing and that I have bowel control again now which is great! I really hoped to have got this far before Christmas. I had visions of myself still wearing incontinence pants on Christmas Day :( My perineum is still a little swollen and if I think about sex it makes me nervous. I've heard that it can be painful for quite a long time following an episiotomy. I've told D and he is incredibly supportive. He doesn't want to rush me at all. We'll take it slow. I guess the key is not being nervous! We have both been calm about becoming parents and lots of people have commented that our calmness must be rubbing off on N. Calm parents, calm baby. Emotionally, I do feel slightly up and down. Sometimes I don't really feel a bond and feel like I'm not doing enough to bond with her and help her development due to the cycle of feeding, changing, housework. At other times, I'm bursting with love. I've also been adjusting to the change in the dynamic of our little family. I used to be D's favourite girl. Now there are two of us. I know there is still room for me but it's an adjustment. I told D and he was understanding and I've noticed him giving me a little more affection since which has helped :) I've breastfed in public a couple of times now. The first time I was with the antenatal group so we were all at it and in a very baby friendly cafe. I was also dressed appropriately for it. The second and third times as I feeding alone and wearing slightly less modest clothing so found myself feeling more uncomfortable and being worried about exposing myself and getting negative reactions. I managed though! D's mother-in-law is arriving from overseas tomorrow. It'll be great to have her with us until Boxing Day. She is so excited to meet N and I know that she won't interfere with our care of her in any way. I have a great relationship with her. A friend who is going through IVF has just had another failed attempt. I feel awful for her, approaching Christmas in that situation. She had two miscarriages previously, both leading up to Christmas. For me, now being part of a process which is so normal and easy for most people, it's almost hard to remember the struggle that we've had getting here. But I must always remember and not take any of it for granted for a second.