One month old

N was one month old last Friday. In fact she'll be five weeks old tomorrow. D has been off work for Christmas for a little over a week now and we're working well as a team to take care of her. Letting each other nap and get things done when we need to and when there is an opportunity. N and I made it to the health visitor appointment on time for her weigh in. The health visitor is lovely but I did feel like I was being watched like a hawk as I undressed her and dressed her. It was boiling hot in the clinic room and I'd dressed her in a fiddly outfit so I was feeling stressed about it! I'll definitely be picking out the easiest baby-gro for the next appointment! N is still very calm and relaxed. She's a little gem :) Very soft and kissable and described by everyone as 'just perfect'. Her eyes were dark blue when she was born but they are gradually getting lighter now. I think they'll be a grey/blue colour eventually like her Dad's. Her hair is getting a little bit longer in the back and looks like D's when it's wet, indicating that she might have some curls :) Her face has already changed a lot and her cheeks are filling out like mine did when I was a baby! She's getting more alert and needing more stimulation. She loves taking in the world around her. She's continuing to grow out of her newborn clothes but she's still too tiny for the next size up (0-3 months)! People comment on how tiny they think she is but she is growing at around the 50th percentile so she's a good size for her age. She weighed 8lb 11oz at 3 weeks. She does seem to have a smaller head than other babies her age so maybe that's why she appears small. Her neck and legs and grip are already getting stronger. We think we've seen her first proper smiles! The first one was for Daddy, which I admit I was a little jealous about, but I've seen a few myself too :) You can see the smile in her eyes which makes it seem more genuine. They do seem to come more regularly after a feed though so maybe I'm kidding myself and it's just wind! Daddy calls her "squeaps" because she makes a lot of little squeaky noises. I call her Nia-bean and Nia-bug. We tried out a quilted sleep suit on her last week and for the first two nights of wearing it she slept through the night! The first night she slept from 12:30-6:30am and the second night she slept from 11:30-7am. Amazing! We couldn't believe it. It didn't last though, she has been up around 3-4am each night since then. Maybe it was a growth spurt. A friend of mine who has two little ones was stunned as her youngest (9 months) hasn't slept through the night yet. I felt a bit bad telling her!! We've been overwhelmed with gifts and cards and have had regular, but not too frequent, visitors. Oddly we have had very few cards and gifts from our immediate family. Siblings in particular. We're not really bothered as N has so much but to not even get a card is a little weird... I went to a baby resuscitation class at the local children's centre last week which also covered what to do in case of choking. It gave me confidence that I could do my best to take care of N if something like that happened. A scary thought though. We've been preparing for Christmas and putting up the tree was pretty emotional. We have an ornament that my mother-in-law gave us for our first married Christmas which was 16 years ago! Looking at it together and thinking about our journey to N's first Christmas with us got us both welling up. D put it very well - "I didn't realise she was missing until she was here". Physically I'm feeling a LOT better all of a sudden. I definitely feel like I'm healing and that I have bowel control again now which is great! I really hoped to have got this far before Christmas. I had visions of myself still wearing incontinence pants on Christmas Day :( My perineum is still a little swollen and if I think about sex it makes me nervous. I've heard that it can be painful for quite a long time following an episiotomy. I've told D and he is incredibly supportive. He doesn't want to rush me at all. We'll take it slow. I guess the key is not being nervous! We have both been calm about becoming parents and lots of people have commented that our calmness must be rubbing off on N. Calm parents, calm baby. Emotionally, I do feel slightly up and down. Sometimes I don't really feel a bond and feel like I'm not doing enough to bond with her and help her development due to the cycle of feeding, changing, housework. At other times, I'm bursting with love. I've also been adjusting to the change in the dynamic of our little family. I used to be D's favourite girl. Now there are two of us. I know there is still room for me but it's an adjustment. I told D and he was understanding and I've noticed him giving me a little more affection since which has helped :) I've breastfed in public a couple of times now. The first time I was with the antenatal group so we were all at it and in a very baby friendly cafe. I was also dressed appropriately for it. The second and third times as I feeding alone and wearing slightly less modest clothing so found myself feeling more uncomfortable and being worried about exposing myself and getting negative reactions. I managed though! D's mother-in-law is arriving from overseas tomorrow. It'll be great to have her with us until Boxing Day. She is so excited to meet N and I know that she won't interfere with our care of her in any way. I have a great relationship with her. A friend who is going through IVF has just had another failed attempt. I feel awful for her, approaching Christmas in that situation. She had two miscarriages previously, both leading up to Christmas. For me, now being part of a process which is so normal and easy for most people, it's almost hard to remember the struggle that we've had getting here. But I must always remember and not take any of it for granted for a second.