Realisations

On Wednesday, I baked a cake in the morning ready for a visit from a couple of work colleagues in the afternoon. It was good to see them and chat about a variety of different things that kept me distracted from the lack of movement! D and I went to a pub quiz with some friends on Tuesday night as well. Then on Thursday I met my Mum for lunch. I still haven't slept well the last couple of nights as my back pain has returned since the baby changed position. I wonder whether it's also because I haven't been taking the magnesium as I've almost run out and was hesitant to spend money on more at this late stage. But after three days of discomfort I'm going to pick up some more today. Even if it only works on a psychological level that's fine with me! Anways, the midwife came to the house this morning to do the stretch and sweep. She started off with the usual checks (blood pressure, checking the heart beat) and all is fine there. My sister-in-law described the stretch and sweep as an 'aggressive pelvic examination'. Well, it certainly felt quite aggressive! She didn't use a speculum so was rummaging around deeply to find the cervix. I couldn't help putting up some resistance and did some deep breathing. I felt quite embarrassed that I had needed to do that when she stopped and told me that my cervix is still very posterior and she couldn't reach it! So there was no chance of a sweep today or to finding out if I'm dilated at all. She said that there isn't any point in trying again on Sunday and suggested that we give it another go on Tuesday and see where things are then. She also said that she will book me in for induction the following Friday in case nothing happens between now and then. Although it was reassuring to know that things aren't happening because the baby is clearly not close to being ready yet, I felt really disappointed and frustrated and a bit weepy again. I think is was the idea of actually being booked for an induction already. D asked me why that bothered me so much and I guess it's because, knowing our family history, I really don't want to rush her out if she's not ready and I'm a little scared of the contractions being more painful following an induction and the increased likelihood of further interventions being needed. I've spent the rest of this morning reading about other people's experiences of induction in online forums - probably not the most sensible idea given how people love to talk about their horror stories! - but it did reassure me in that everyone's experience was so different but they all said that ultimately their memories of the birth of their child are still positive because they had a healthy baby, and after the birth that's all they were focussed on. There were some sad stories of women who hadn't been induced who then went on to lose their babies. I also re-read my birth plan, which already seems ridiculously optimistic and idealistic(!) and realised that if it all goes tits up and I don't have anything close to the experience that I was hoping for, that it doesn't matter as long as the baby arrives safely. I accept that I need to take the advice of the professionals and that although being induced at 40 + 12 days may feel like I'm being put on a conveyor belt, that actually there are good reasons for hospital procedures being what they are to ensure the well-being of me and the baby. As our NCT tutor had said, we are living in the best period in history for maternity care and in one of the best countries for maternity care and so I feel more relaxed now that I will get good care and that I need to accept advice given to me (unless I feel very strongly otherwise!). One of the other NCT girls was also booked in for a sweep this morning, but I've just had a message from her that she has had to go into hospital as her blood pressure has gone up and she has protein in her wee so they have concerns about pre-eclampsia. We have a very healthy, active baby and I am also in good health, so I really don't have anything to be unhappy about! I need to enjoy these last days of freedom and relaxation for however long they decide to last...