Phantom pregnancies

Thought I was pregnant today. For the third time since N was born. I've wasted no time doing a pregnancy test each time. This time the symptoms where a twitchy uterus and an engorged vulva. So if I'm not pregnant then what the F is going on??

Excuses

N has an upset tummy. The perfect excuse to allow daytime breast feeds and sofa naps. Thank goodness for hard floors and leather furniture!

Sneaky

I find myself all to regularly hiding from N and shoving chocolate into my insatiable gob.

Compliments

I currently have a lot of love for the female coworkers who have complimented me on my appearance lately, telling me I always look amazing when I feel like I look haggard and telling me that I have the most beautiful hair when I feel like my breastfeeding babe has sapped the life force out of it. It's ALMOST worth going to work for.

Sweetest

Hearing N say 'momma' is the sweetest noise the world ever created.

Simple pleasures

The simple pleasures of life now. Going to the supermarket and seeing N sign and babble about everything she sees. Getting the kitchen straight, dinner prepared and a load of laundry in while she naps. Looking forward to spending the afternoon with mummy friends and knowing that we can talk for hours about our little ones without feeling like a mummy bore!

New approach...

So, all is well (great in fact) but life is busy and I can't keep up with this blog the way that I used to. However I do keep thinking of little snippets that I want to capture so that's how I will use this blog from now on. N is 15 months and today's snippet is that food is currently a side to her condiments...

11 months old

N is beautiful, adorable and fun with a gorgeous smile. She has two smiles actually. Her wide open-mouthed smile showing off her four teeth, and her closed-mouth smirk (my personal favourite). She loves to cuddle! She will do it on request and will reach out unexpectedly on a regular basis. She is practising standing, and we count quickly for her to encourage her. We've counted to 160 so far! She's started to confidently cruise around the furniture and she has even taken her first step unaided. We go to Bounce and Rhyme at the library most weeks where we sing nursery rhymes and we go to play group once a week now too. N is starting to interact with other children which is fascinating to watch. She's not at all shy and will bound in to play with others. We still go to Turtle Tots for swimming lessons on Sunday mornings and it's so good to see N progressing. She's very confident and I can feel her wanting to pull away from me and swim on her own. She also spends one afternoon a week with my mum. This gives me a break to catch up on things and Granny LOVES her time with N so much. Sadly, N had conjunctivitis again and a run of colds and she had a few days of miserable teething which hasn't yet resulted in any more teeth. This illness and unhappiness meant a period of time when her sleep was really disrupted. It was even harder than usual to get her to bed at night and she was waking every few hours. Her sleeping is erratic at the best of times but this particularly tough period meant that I really didn't have any time to myself in the evenings and I was going to bed even more anxious than usual about what the night ahead was going to bring. D was sleeping on the sofa so that he could get a good nights sleep which is really important as he drives a lot for work, but I felt very lonely. I've also been thinking about the return to work and went into work for a couple of half days to 'keep in touch'. This brought my anxieties about the return to work to the front of my mind and the time in the office meant that I lost the time that I usually have to myself when my mum has N. D was extremely busy with work and I found it tough to keep on top of things. I was feeling pretty low for a while and felt like I was giving myself to others 100% of the time. An old stress related dermatitis came back on my eyelids. I hadn't had it since I was going through IVF. I went to the doctor to get some cream for it and she said that it was probably good that the stress was coming out physically rather than in other ways but that it probably means that I'm bottling things up, which is absolutely right. The babies in our NCT group have starting having their first birthdays! I've felt very emotional about it at times. The first year, almost over already. My maternity leave has officially come to an end now. Thankfully I have a good chunk of annual leave to take before I go back and at least I start getting paid again now! N is clearly understanding some words now. In particular, no and cuddle. She loves apple slices at the moment. She will sit for ages chomping away on them. She loves flicking through the pages of her books. Well, any books. And she loves stealing my slippers off my feet! Her absolute favourite place to sleep is on daddy's chest. She is an absolute joy to spend my days with.

10 months old

Ten months old. 21.8 lbs and 29.5 inches. N has four teeth now and we're trying to brush them but she's not keen and wants to just hold the brush herself and chew and suck on it. I figure at least the fluoride is getting in there! Her movements are getting faster and more precise and she is chasing the cats. They seem to be taking to her but very wisely are always ready to flee. N is giving double high fives and waving goodbye. She is giving cuddles which is wonderful and big wet open mouth kisses. She's generally very affectionate. She has the cutest curls behind her ears. She has always liked to cross her ankles and this cute habit seems to be sticking. She is strong willed and determined. I think she's going to prove to be a handful! I've been feeling pretty emotional this month. D has gone back to work marking the end of the summer and so it feels like the countdown has begun before I have to go back to work too. I'm feeling anxious about being away from N, missing the little new things she does each day, the change in our routine and managing her weaning so that feeding isn't an issue. I'm also emotional about her developing so quickly. Some days I see her progressing so fast and it's overwhelming. On top of all that, I've been feeling really broody. More broody than I've ever felt in fact. I guess it's seeing N growing so fast and wanting to capture some of the early times again. Nature's way no doubt! However, in the middle of a disrupted night's sleep I feel differently! And it's still really disrupted on a regular basis. N's routine still hasn't really settled since we got back from our holiday. And she seems to be needing to be breastfed back to sleep even more than ever. I don't know how we'll ever break that habit! She had a bad cold a little while ago and I was really struggling with the disrupted sleep. Someone recommended a humidifier and so we bought one in readiness for the next cold and now she has another one already! So fingers crossed it helps! Despite being broody, I don't feel the need to be touched! Having a baby so reliant on my body certainly makes me crave periods of being left alone instead! And I'm really feeling the need for 'me' time lately for the first time since having N. I feel like I'm losing my sense of self and find it hard to be heard in the company of people who are so addicted to N. D mentioned that he feels that our relationship has changed. He says not in a good or a bad way, just that it's different as we have less time for each other. He mentioned that he missed back rubs and stuff. It made me feel bad that I'm neglecting him but I don't feel like I have much left to give to anyone. D was annoyed recently about the laundry not being done one weekend which sparked a row. He wants to have a day where he can spend time with N and not have to think about anything else, which I understand, but as far as I'm concerned that's a luxury. I find it hard to balance spending quality, happy time with N as well as getting domestic stuff done. Sometimes it's just not possible to do it and watch N too. I do actually have a mental list of shit that I can get done when he is watching N on a Sunday so that he can relax and doesn't have to worry about it. Including the fucking laundry. I really resented him getting shitty. I was so angry. I felt like my boss had expressed disappointment in my work. What am I, a fifties housewife? He'll understand better when I go back to work in December and he's taking care of her on his own! Despite the tough stuff, N is blossoming into a truly wonderful little girl. She's so lovely and so much fun. Each stage of her development still gets better and better. We still regularly look at each other in disbelief that we have this amazing child.

9 months old

This has been a big month for N! She's 9 months now and this last month has seen a lot of development - physically and mentally. She's 20.8 lbs and 29 inches (around the 91st percentile for both). She started banging things together and slapping herself in the head and face! She clapped and waved for the first time. She started getting up on her knees and helping herself to toys in her toy box. She started to try to say 'cat' and has been saying it a lot and in context so this will definitely go down as her first word! She's also started using mama and dada in context. As a last minute plan we went to a family friendly festival so that was both her first festival and her first camping trip. She took to it very well although the music was playing until the early hours and so we were all sleep deprived by the end of it... On August 5th, she crawled for the first time! This was right before we were due to fly to the USA so we were a little concerned about how she might travel and take to being stuck in a seat for a long time. But she did amazingly well. She was so relaxed and slept when she needed to. In the USA she met the rest of her aunts and uncles on D's side and also her little cousins. Their company certainly had an impact on her mobility. She started trying to pull herself up more and more and by the end of the trip she was standing for short periods unaided. And not just on solid ground but on beds, sofas and rocking chairs! She's also developed socially and seems like a different kid than the one we took away with us. She's interacting more - smiling and laughing, pulling faces, looking to me for reassurance and reaction. Everyone comments about how aware of everything she is. She doesn't miss a single noise or new sight. We feel so lucky to have her and even luckier that we have such a wonderful child. She is so happy and content and such fun. Everyone who spends time with her falls in love with her! For a short while this month, all food was for play (except satsumas which are a firm favourite) but now she is back to eating anything put in front of her. She had a virus this month which made her really upset and she came out in a rash which made us nervous. We took her to the doctor and he explained that their immune systems are weak at this age and so they often come out in a rash. My sister was at the festival that we went to and I'm glad to say that she now seems more interested in N. As I said, everyone falls in love with N and I think my sister has been equally charmed. I feel more confident in my abilities as a mother now. I'm not usually concerned that people are silently criticising me. Although I do feel like they want to do things differently and they often suggest it but I'm more able to let it go now and not take it personally. However, I am terrified that I'll make a horrible mistake and hurt her again. She has hurt herself slightly a few times since she has become more mobile. Some of which could have been avoided and other times not, and I do really worry about what might happen next. I guess this is parenthood!

8 months old

N is 8 months old! She weighs 9.1kg (20lbs) and is 28 inches long. Each month gets faster and faster.... She is so much fun, recognising us and smiling all the time. She charms the pants off everyone. She seems to have really developed in her communication skills this month. She is starting to form words! She is saying mamamama and she has tried very convincingly to say cat a couple of times. She definitely recognises the sign for cat. She took her first train journey (to a local station) but didn't seem particularly impressed! She had been dancing on her bum to tunes that she likes and trying to sing. She LOVED watching Dolly Parton performing at Glastonbury in TV. She loves banana toast and satsumas. She is pushing up onto her knees, and is desperate to crawl. She is using her pincer grip! Even when her whole fist would work better :) She really loves a book that we borrowed from the library called "Peter rabbit I love you" from the library. She loves you peekaboo mirror in it. She loves mirrors in general at the moment! We had a bit of a scare this month. We noticed that N had starting twitching a few times a day so I called the health visitor expecting her to say that it's a normal thing as they develop control of their muscles but instead she told me to take her to the doctor. The doctor wasn't too concerned as N is otherwise thriving but told me to try and get some video footage of it. That evening we managed to get some footage and the twitches in the footage were particularly strong and scary. It was a Friday night and so we had to wait all weekend to see the doctor again and we were really scared and thinking the worst - that it might be epilepsy or a brain tumour or something awful. On Monday morning we saw a GP and she arranged for us to take N to the paediatric assessment unit at the hospital that morning. The GP wasn't overly concerned but she knew that we were due to go to Spain on the Wednesday so understood that we wanted some reassurance ASAP. We spent all day at the hospital. Lots of waiting and seeing various doctors who were all really helpful and informed. They said that N would need an EEG to help them work out what is going on. They managed to get us an EEG that afternoon, again to enable us to be reassured before going on holiday which was great. N had a little net put over her head and little sensors attached to it. She played, fed and slept quite happily as it was done. We got the EEG report the next day and as N actually twitched during the EEG they were able to confirm that the twitches aren't related to epilepsy and they diagnosed Benign Infantile Myocolonic Spasms which basically means that they aren't harmful, don't need treatment and will probably go away by themselves by the time N is 2 years old. This was such a huge relief and we were so grateful for the fast diagnosis. We're really learning more each week what it is to be a concerned parent! So we went on our first family holiday to Madrid. I was a bit nervous about travelling with a baby but it went pretty smoothly. The only difficulties were in travelling to and from the airport. We booked a private transfer car and asked for a car seat. They had one in the car, for a small child not a baby and it was broken! So in both directions N had to sit in my lap which was pretty scary. Also, N got conjunctivitis while we were away and so we had to call a doctor to the hospital. Other than that she was a great travel buddy and she completely soaked up the experience. She had lots of firsts on this trip: first flight (she was a dream passenger), first subway ride, first time she had mint choc ice cream (and loved it as much as mum and dad do!), first trip to the zoo (particularly loved the aquarium), first gay pride parade! D is now off work for the summer and so my daily routine has changed a little. It's great to have extra help with N and enjoy quality family time together. Over the last few days I've felt a change in my hormones. I've got spots around my chin and I've been feeling premenstrual so I've been expecting my period to start again, but nothing just yet...

7 months old

N is 7 months old and her weight is 19lb 3oz. Her personality is really starting to show now. She is often very serious but sometimes so silly. She's very determined, she know what she likes and doesn't like! The weather has been good and we had our first trip to the beach. She really loved paddling in the sea. She loves straps - the straps on her car seat, the straps on her bouncer. She sucks them and plays with them all the time. She's really loving her swimming lessons. She finished stage 1 this month and started stage 2. She's great at kicking! We had pictures of her taken swimming underwater which came out well, and they provided a short video too which is beautiful and emotional to watch :) She loves when I sing songs to her, particularly 'row row row your boat' and 'the grand old duke of York'. She loves the cats and likes to watch them and grab their fur. They are very tolerant and keep a safe distance. She is making new sounds: baba and mmm, sucking back your saliva, gargling saliva which is entertaining. She really loves screaming! Just because she can and when she is tired, and when playing with daddy. I worry what the neighbours must think! She is so beautiful. She has beautiful skin, lovely long eye lashes and a sweet rosebud mouth. She has become a little scared of male strangers recently for some reason. She is rolling all over the place and has started to move backwards on her belly and is comfortable sitting up unsupported for long periods. She is doing well with eating solids. She has breakfast and dinner now. I think it's fair to say that her favourite foods are Greek yoghurt, strawberries and tomatoes. I do often feel uncertain with feeding - is she getting enough of the right things? I keep reminding myself that it's "Just for fun til one", but I still worry if I'm giving her enough. She has some purées but mostly finger foods. At first I really found it time consuming and annoying when she didn't want what I gave her and my effort was wasted. But it's fun and it's getting easier with every meal. Most of the time she eats well. I'm glad to say that although it's still not happening often due to time, sex is getting easier all by itself which reinforces my theory that nature was trying to stop me! We moved her into the nursery from our room which I found tough but we've both for used to it now. Although she isn't sleeping well at all. I don't think it's the move but I'm not sure what it is. She'll settle easily but will wake within a couple of hours and sometimes more than once in the early hours, and waking again at 5-6. She'll usually nap a few times after that and I'll nap with her! It's been pretty rough and I'm tired all the time. I think it could be teething, particularly as we can feel one coming through now, but she isn't fussy during the day and doesn't seem to have any other majors symptoms apart from chewing on everything. I've been trying to nap with her later in the day but we have a lot going on this month (birthdays, holidays)!and I'm finding that my head is just buzzing and I can't get to sleep. I found out the hard way how sleep deprivation can make you do stupid and dangerous things. I put N in her high chair and attached the tray without strapping her in! I didn't notice and when I took the tray off after her meal, I took it over to the sink and N fell out the chair face first onto the tile floor. I heard the bang and couldn't believe my eyes. I immediately realised what I had done. She bawled and so quickly got a red puffy face and I couldn't tell if she was hurt. I took her into A&E with my mum and they checked her over and confirmed that she was fine which was a huge relief but it was devastating. I still feel sick thinking about it. I was very careful about what I said at A&E because I was worried what the fallout might be. I told a few friends immediately, trying to release the guilt I think. They were very supportive and it seems that most mums have a similar story, and most of them seem to have kept it completely secret. It's so sad that mums worry about being judged so much, sometimes by their nearest and dearest, that they keep their mistakes to themselves and suffer the guilt in silence. Just a couple of days later she lurched forward while I was holding her and hit her head on a toy. She got a few small bruises down her face :( The whole experience has made me very fearful of accidentally hurting her of her hurting herself. Oh god, I'm turning into my mother...

6 months old

N is six months old. Half a year already! Although the time has gone by quickly, I also feel like she's been in our lives for so much longer. It's amazing to see how much she has developed in six months and how capable she is of so many things. We had our first trip away from home with N this month. We visited her Uncle and Aunt and it all went pretty smoothly. She travelled well in the car and coped well with the change of scene. N is very strong and she's standing and sitting when supported. She rolled from her back onto her front this month and a few days later she rolled from her front to her back. She doesn't always remember how she did it and gets REALLY frustrated when she is stuck on one side or the other. But she's making progress with moving around almost every day and often I'll turn my back for a few seconds and not know how she has come to be facing in a different direction! It's definitely time to start baby-proofing the house. She has tried to get into the fireplace a few times... She is responding to her name when we call her and she has smiles for everyone when we are out and about. People often comment on her lovely smile and how sweet she is. I've put together a sensory basket and a fabric sample basket for her and she loves delving through them and investigating all the items by shoving them in her mouth. She loves watching The Simpsons, I guess it must be the bright colours. You really knows what she wants and is very determined. She has learnt how to scream this month and she has had lots of fun playing screaming games with D! She definitely has a sense of humour. She's having some solid food every evening now. Her first meal was baby rice with my milk and puréed apples and bananas. I'm giving her a mixture of spoon fed purees (baby rice, baby porridge, mashed vegetables, pureed fruit) and also finger foods. I had intended on doing just baby-led weaning but gave her some rice and porridge intially and she loves it. Plus I can see how frustrating it is for her trying to handle food and so I want to be able to give her something that she can actually eat. I'll reduce the mash/puree as she becomes better able to feed herself. She's also gagging quite a bit with the finger foods so I'm not entirely sure how ready she is for them but don't want to wait on solids any more as she is definitely interested and I'm conscious that she needs to get going with it sooner rather than later. She has quite a selection of fruit and vegetables and the only things that she doesn't seem as keen on so far are blueberries. We'll try them again soon though. She weighs 18lb and 10z now and she's about 26 inches tall. She's heavy! I'm physically shattered! She has had three colds in the last couple of months and her sleeping has been eratic. I go to bed not really knowing what kind of night lies ahead. Sometimes she'll sleep from 10:30pm-6am and then go back to sleep after a feed and sometimes she might wake several times in the night including staying awake for quite a while and babbling away to herself! I'm feeling the effects of sleep deprivation and looking very tired! My 40th birthday is approaching and for the first time I'm really feeling my age! The back of her neck is ridiculously soft. Her hair is getting thicker, blonder and longer. We're using the big bath now as she has grown out of the baby bath. We keep the water low so she can lie right back and kick freely which she loves. We FaceTime and Oovoo with D and his family in America and N is starting to respond to the people on the other end :) I think that she is starting to experience separation anxiety already. She often cries the moment that I leave the room and immediately stops when I reappear. We started Sing and Sign classes last week. My sister in law said that signing really helped with her kids and it makes a lot of sense to me to give her the opportunity to be able to communicate with us more effectively before she starts to talk. We also tried a class called Creation Station where the babies can have messy play with paint, etc. She seemed to like it and we'll probably go back again when Sing and Sign has finished. At the moment I'm feeling like I need to stop trying to cram so much into each week. It's difficult as I like to have something on every day to get us out the house and I think Nia is happier for it and less fussy. But if we have a busy day it definitely takes its toll on both of us. I'm definitely feeling more worn out at this point than I have since she was born and the last few days she has been quite fussy and she generally seems irritable and frustrated so the smiles and giggles seem a bit few and far between at the moment. D insisted that we celebrate American Mother's Day as well as the British one and took me out for dinner while Granny babysat. It was weird and lovely to have some time together. Mostly we talked about how great N is and how wonderful our lives are with her in it :) Granny (my Mum) loves her visits to see N. So much that sometimes I don't feel like she would be bothered if I was around or not!! I try and shake this off but it's not always easy. Mum has started to take N out for a couple of hours a week which she loves and it gives me a little bit of time to get some things done at home (like writing this blog!). I put in my request with work to take the whole year of maternity leave and to take my accrued annual leave before returning to work. I've also asked to go back to work part time (3 days a week). So if this is approved, I'll be going back in early December. I've been given the impression informally that this will all be OK but my boss is being a bit vague about confirming it officially which is frustrating. Hopefully it will all work out.

5 months old

At 21 weeks, N is 26.5 inches and 17lb 1 oz. I've heard of the time between 3 and 6 months as being the golden months and I can understand that. N is a proper baby now in all her cuddly cuteness and she is showing personality and is a lot of fun. But as she still isn't mobile she is still fairly easy to care for! We love her more every day :) She is getting much more capable of moving how she wants to, turning to look at things, reaching for things when she's on her tummy. She is pushing up a bit more when she's on her belly and showing signs of trying to roll over occasionally. She has very strong abs and loves to crunch them to look at her feet with her legs stretched out. She is making new noises all the time and loves to babble away to herself. N is learning about the world with her mouth and her little lizard tongue keeps popping out in search of new things :) Her wrists and thighs are very cutely chubby. More hair is coming through with glimmers of blonde. She got her first cold :( It was heartbreaking to see her pale, watery-eyed face. She woke quite a lot in the night, struggling to breath. I also got the cold so it's been a slightly tougher couple of weeks for us both and I've been the most sleep deprived to date. On the plus side, D has been off work for Easter so that's been a big help and enabled a few naps! I feel like I'm really understanding N's needs more now and anticipating them more. My instincts about what is going on with her have proven to be right which increases my confidence to trust them and ignore suggestions from other people :) Her swimming lessons are going well and she had her first free underwater swim last week which was great to watch through my goggles. N has started to use her door bouncer which she seems to be having fun with even though she looks slightly surprised at her freedom in it and I find it really odd to see her standing in it without our help! Her nick name is firmly The Bean or Beaner, from me calling her N-bean from the early days. She is really enjoyable company and we're good buddies now :) I didn't ever have an immediate, overwhelming bond with her which worried me in the beginning. Our bond has definitely been developing gradually and I prefer it that way now as I feel it's based on our time together and the trust that has developed rather than a chemical or hormonal reaction. I've wanted to wait until 6 months to give N any solid food but D is very keen and keeps putting naughty food on her lips (butter, cream, jam, chocolate). So I relented to gain some control and gave her a first stick of cucumber to chew on! I'm a little torn as the advice is to wait until 6 months to avoid infections and allergies but N appears to ready to get started. She is watching us eat all the time and I think she's almost strong enough to sit up and eat now. My reasons for not starting might also be wrapped up in not wanting her to grow up too quickly! I'm gathering all my notes about weaning and will buy a few things that we need in the next week or so. Maybe we'll make a start with some baby rice in a couple of weeks. I'm noticing some slight changes in myself which I think are hormonal, mainly that the benefits to my hair are disappearing! All through my pregnancy and during the early months with N my hair has been full and glossy and hanging beautifully and I've only needed to wash it every few days. But now it's starting to fall out, it's hanging limply and my greasy roots have made a return requiring more regular washing. Meh! My pelvic floor seems to be improving. I work on the exercises when I'm lying in N's crib at night feeding her to sleep. However, if I try and do a little jump it feels a bit like a trampoline! D and I still haven't attempted sex again (due to time more than anything, N isn't great at naps!) but I feel like I might be more ready for it physically now. I've emailed my boss about my return to work. I'm going to take the full year off and I've asked to return part-time. I've also been accruing annual leave while I'm off and so I can add this the my maternity leave. This will enable me to stay off until early December. I feel extremely lucky to be able to take so much time with N while she is little, but I'm also dreading the return to work when it does come around. N will be with my Mum for the three days per week that I'll be at work and I'm sure I'm going to be jealous of their time together. My Mum was at home with my sister and I when we were small and I feel like it should be my turn now rather than her turn again! But needs must.

Four months old

N is now 4 months old. Blimey! And she's getting big! She now weighs 15lb 7oz - over twice her birth weight! And she's 25.5 inches long so she's grown 6 inches already. It's getting quite hard work to carry her around! This month she's been grabbing at everything. She's discovering the cats and grabbing big clumps of fur if she has the opportunity - they're extremely tolerant :) She also found her feet at the end of this month so has started to play with them. She's also found other parts of her anatomy... haha! She has started showing signs of trying to roll. She has a long way to go though. Her hair has started to go blonde which is lovely. I've recently noticed a little 'cafe au lait' type birthmark on her hip - I'm pretty sure it wasn't there before but apparently they can appear after birth. When I hold her up to my shoulder I love the feel of her arm around my neck. And she likes to play with my fingers, hair and clothes which I also love :) She is getting VERY vocal at times, including when she wakes at night at the moment. She is VERY excited at bath time now. There is always lots of kicking with a very concentrated face and water everywhere! She is fast growing out of the baby bath. She started her swimming lessons with Turtle Tots. The class was fast paced which was good and she seemed to really enjoy it and slept like a log afterwards. Apparently she'll have her first underwater swim next lesson which is a little scary for me but no doubt she'll take it in her stride! We've also started a class called "Here's looking at you baby" with the local children's centre. We learn some interesting stuff about baby development but it's mostly a social group and we learn a lot from each other. I find that although I don't ever have time to be bored, things do get a little monotonous if I spend a day at home. It's really good to get out somewhere every day even if it's only for an hour or so. And even better if I actually see other people! Each day brings something new with N - a new sound, a new expression - and I know it's a cliche but it's amazing to see her developing her abilities all the time and being able to do more and more with the toys she is given. We got our first laugh this month which was amazing :) It's still not a regular event - she can be quite serious a lot of the time - but we get the odd chuckle occasionally. We've been to the cinema a few more times. It feels like a bit of a cheeky treat on a Monday lunchtime when everyone else is off to work but I definitely feel like I work for these occasional treats! N will still only be fed to sleep and so I'm now getting into her cotbed with her to feed her to sleep at night and then creeping out when she drops off! I was a little anxious that doing this is a bad idea but it had become almost impossible to move her after she had fallen asleep. I was putting her down about 10 times before she would eventually stay asleep and it was driving me crazy. It seemed to be getting worse rather than better. So for now I figure whatever works! Maybe her habits will change over time on their own so I'll stick with this approach for now. I spoke to a breastfeeding advisor yesterday and she gave me some tips to try and encourage N to settle herself for her daytime naps but she reassured me that N is still a little young to be able to do that and not to worry about it. N is still not going to bed until late (about 11:30) and she had started to sleep for 9-10 hours at night which was great but her sleep routine has gone out of the window these last few days! She's been waking shortly after being put to bed and again during the early hours again for feeds. I wondered whether it was a growth spurt as she's also been quite clingy and the health visitor confirmed this. She may also be starting to have teething pain as she has been quite drooly and chewing her fist. Who knows what is going on in that little head. I can only guess! I've been pumping a bottle of breast milk for N to have each day so that she is used to taking a bottle when we need her to. I went out with the girls from my antenatal group one night and came home at 11pm to find her pretty distraught. The same thing happened when D and I went out for a friend's birthday and my mum babysat. I think it's probably more about her knowing that it's bed time and wanting the booby then an issue with her taking the bottle as she takes it with no problem at all most of the time. Her passport arrived this month which is pretty exciting. Her picture is funny. She looks like a criminal! Funny to think that she can use this passport for five years! My gas issues seemed to have improved a little bit but not completely! I'm wondering how much of it might be a dietary issue as there is an intolerance to cow's milk in my family so I'm starting to use almond milk instead to see if this helps! Nothing to report on the issue of sex. We haven't had much opportunity and I have to admit I'm a little nervous after last time. I wonder whether it's nature's way of stopping you from reproducing when you have a small baby. Some of the other girls in my antenatal group have reported the same issues with tightness even though we've all had completely different births and one of them was a c-section so it must be hormonal as much as physical. Hopefully things will improve on their own to a certain extent. I got a tattoo this month on the inside of my wrist - my first and probably the only one I'll get. It's a Celtic mother and child symbol which I saw when I was pregnant and have been thinking about getting as a tattoo ever since. It's taken me a little while to take the leap as I always have to been 100% sure about everything and have a tendency to talk myself out of things. My mum has voiced her disapproval too which has held me back a bit, even though I'm almost 40! Anyway, I went for it and I'm glad I did. I'm really happy with it, I think it suits me and it's a lovely reminder and confirmation of our joy at having N in our lives and the journey to her arrival.

Three months old

N will be three months old tomorrow! Wow. She seems to have really come alive this month, particularly in the last couple of weeks. She responds to our voices much more now, she has spotted the TV and can't keep her eyes off it, she's smiling a lot and makes lots of expressions. She is getting more coordinated with her hands and is purposefully reaching out for things. She spends quite a lot of time studying her hands which I love to watch. She's also just starting to notice her legs and feet. She's getting much more vocal - really shouting out at times! Her hair is getting slightly thicker. I don't think her eye colour has changed at all this month, it's still blue/grey. She has had a few firsts this month. She had her first swim at the local pool which she loved and we also took her to a taster session for baby swimming lessons. She loved that even more so we've signed her up for the course! She also had her first trip to the cinema! One of our local theatres does a mother and baby screening once a month. N fed and slept through the whole thing and the other babies were pretty relaxed too so it worked well. We're going again next week with D. She also had her first set of jabs this month. I'd always heard of Mums being upset when their kids get their jabs but I thought I would be fine with it. We all get jabs after all. What's the big deal? The nurse asked me if I was OK beforehand and I was fine. Nia took her Rotovirus oral vaccine and she smiled from the sweetness. And then she got the first jab in the leg. Her reaction really floored me. I hadn't seen her cry out in pain before and it was rough! I had tears in my eyes and tried to hold it together while they did the second jab. Poor baby. I really felt like I'd given her into a false sense of security. I took her outside to feed straight away and she fed and quickly went to sleep :( She had REALLY bad wind for a while that night and was crying in pain again. Horrible to see. I think it must have been the Rotovirus vaccine. Not looking forward to the next round now... At 10 weeks she weighed 13lbs and was 24.5 inches. At 11.5 weeks she was 13lb 9oz. So she is between the 50th and 75th percentile - a very healthy weight! She likes to spread out in bed and so the moses basket just wasn't working anymore. It's too cramped and noisy and I couldn't settle her in it if she woke in the night. So we moved her cotbed into our room and she's now sleeping very comfortably. She generally sleeps from around 11:30-12pm until 7-7:30am, which is great! I'm working on getting her to bed a little bit earlier now. I'm feeling quite guilty about the lack of attention that our two cats are getting. Basically they are get next to none! And the weather has been really wet so they are getting frustrated being indoors all the time too. They tend to feel like more of an annoyance than anything else now which I feel bad about. I also feel guilty whenever I'm doing anything for myself rather than something for N. I've got to get over that as I don't give myself a great deal of time. I seem to be healing well now and things seem to be getting back to normal. I have an appointment with the consultant at the hospital this week and I'll be asking him about a few things. Since I've been sewn up I have a skin tag and I don't know why it's there and if I'm stuck with it. It's a bit annoying but I guess I can live with it. I've also had really bad, noisy and sometimes very smelly gas lately! It happens completely unexpectedly and embarrassingly sometimes. I've read online that it's normal and gets better but I need to ask about it as it is a concern...! Also, D and I have attempted sex a couple of times and although we made better progress the second time, it feels very tight in there and we couldn't do it properly. Afterwards I felt like a virgin who had lost her virginity at an orgy - very sore! I'm very happy with how my body has sprung back to my original size (actually slightly smaller). I assume this is partly because I didn't put on a great deal of extra weight and also because I'm breastfeeding. But I need to keep an eye on it as I'm eating obscene amounts of cookies and cake. I won't be breastfeeding forever after all. We started a short course of baby massage lessons this month which N seems to enjoy. She certainly sleeps well afterwards. I also took her to a baby sensory class taster but I don't think we'll go again as it was a bit of a glorified play group. I'm really feeling the time running away - I'm a third of the way through my maternity leave already... :( I want to literally inhale N and really feel every moment with her to be savoured forever. I really don't like the idea of going back to work and leaving N with anyone, even if it is my Mum. I feel it's my job to take care of her. There are some work opportunities for D which might help us to accomplish this - we'll see how they pan out over the next few months.

Two months old

N is now nearly two months old - eight weeks today! Her skin is sooo soft and her hair is coming off at the back a little but leaving a cute thick row of hair left along the bottom of her head :) She looks just like I did as a baby! It's a little bit freaky looking at her sometimes and seeing baby photos of myself looking back at me! At five weeks she weighed 9lb 14oz and at 7 weeks she was 10lb 8oz and 23.5 inches! She is really getting big - I notice it most at night when I'm tired and need to pick her up! She has really full, chubby cheeks now and a double chin. She is still just so beautiful and we get lots of oohs and aahs from people when we take her out. She is really finding her voice and starting to coo and shout out. She loves stretching out her arms and legs and goes crazy on the changing mat. D's Mum arrived just before Christmas and we had a good visit with her. She has fallen head over heels with N and N really took to her too. D had got a smile from N before his Mum arrived but I hadn't had one and D was inpatient for more. Well, D's Mum got one immediately and kept getting them all the time. I have to be honest, I was gutted! It really hurt. But I finally got one too, after singing and playing with her. And D eventually got a few more so we felt better! I'm not naturally a clown around babies but I guess that's what they respond to. During all of D's Mum's visit I felt that she was watching and criticising my care of Nia. She didn't actually say anything to suggest that so I was probably being paranoid. She sent me a lovely text after she had left saying that she has no doubt that I will be and am a spectacular Mum which really reassured me. Little, tiny things that are said and comments that are made by my Mum and D's Mum sometimes make me feel that they are trying to influence the way I do things. I could be wrong and just reading too much into it. Over Christmas, N also met her uncle and aunt on D's side and her aunt on my side which lovely. Although my sister seems to be finding it a little hard adjusting to N being around. My sister is used to being the centre of attention - well, not any more! We're reading to N and showing her black and white books which really hold her attention. She got lots of toys for Christmas and we're introducing them to her although she's not quite ready to play with them yet. Although towards the end of this month she held and shook a rattle for the first time which was lovely :) She really likes music - she stops to listen and really responds to it. She often smiles when I whistle a tune to her which I LOVE! We were invited to a kid-friendly New Years Eve party which we went to. We were home around 10pm - how times have changed!! I've started to express breast milk so that D can give N a bottle occasionally. D has given her two bottles which she has taken very happily. Once when I went to meet a couple of friends for coffee and to pick up a few things. It was weird being away from her and after about 45 minutes I got increasingly anxious about her needing me for more milk. I rushed around like a maniac to get the shopping done! I guess I'll get used to it. I went into the office yesterday to show off N to my colleagues and took a bottle with me to avoid breastfeeding at work, but she didn't want to take it. I'm not sure if it was because it wasn't warm enough or if the teat was too slow or if it was just because it was me trying to give it. My Mum tried to give the same bottle later on and she was still a little fussy with it. Maybe because I was in the room, or maybe I need to try a different teat. I will persevere! It'll be good if I can feed her with a bottle occasionally if I'm going somewhere where breastfeeding will be awkward.

One month old

N was one month old last Friday. In fact she'll be five weeks old tomorrow. D has been off work for Christmas for a little over a week now and we're working well as a team to take care of her. Letting each other nap and get things done when we need to and when there is an opportunity. N and I made it to the health visitor appointment on time for her weigh in. The health visitor is lovely but I did feel like I was being watched like a hawk as I undressed her and dressed her. It was boiling hot in the clinic room and I'd dressed her in a fiddly outfit so I was feeling stressed about it! I'll definitely be picking out the easiest baby-gro for the next appointment! N is still very calm and relaxed. She's a little gem :) Very soft and kissable and described by everyone as 'just perfect'. Her eyes were dark blue when she was born but they are gradually getting lighter now. I think they'll be a grey/blue colour eventually like her Dad's. Her hair is getting a little bit longer in the back and looks like D's when it's wet, indicating that she might have some curls :) Her face has already changed a lot and her cheeks are filling out like mine did when I was a baby! She's getting more alert and needing more stimulation. She loves taking in the world around her. She's continuing to grow out of her newborn clothes but she's still too tiny for the next size up (0-3 months)! People comment on how tiny they think she is but she is growing at around the 50th percentile so she's a good size for her age. She weighed 8lb 11oz at 3 weeks. She does seem to have a smaller head than other babies her age so maybe that's why she appears small. Her neck and legs and grip are already getting stronger. We think we've seen her first proper smiles! The first one was for Daddy, which I admit I was a little jealous about, but I've seen a few myself too :) You can see the smile in her eyes which makes it seem more genuine. They do seem to come more regularly after a feed though so maybe I'm kidding myself and it's just wind! Daddy calls her "squeaps" because she makes a lot of little squeaky noises. I call her Nia-bean and Nia-bug. We tried out a quilted sleep suit on her last week and for the first two nights of wearing it she slept through the night! The first night she slept from 12:30-6:30am and the second night she slept from 11:30-7am. Amazing! We couldn't believe it. It didn't last though, she has been up around 3-4am each night since then. Maybe it was a growth spurt. A friend of mine who has two little ones was stunned as her youngest (9 months) hasn't slept through the night yet. I felt a bit bad telling her!! We've been overwhelmed with gifts and cards and have had regular, but not too frequent, visitors. Oddly we have had very few cards and gifts from our immediate family. Siblings in particular. We're not really bothered as N has so much but to not even get a card is a little weird... I went to a baby resuscitation class at the local children's centre last week which also covered what to do in case of choking. It gave me confidence that I could do my best to take care of N if something like that happened. A scary thought though. We've been preparing for Christmas and putting up the tree was pretty emotional. We have an ornament that my mother-in-law gave us for our first married Christmas which was 16 years ago! Looking at it together and thinking about our journey to N's first Christmas with us got us both welling up. D put it very well - "I didn't realise she was missing until she was here". Physically I'm feeling a LOT better all of a sudden. I definitely feel like I'm healing and that I have bowel control again now which is great! I really hoped to have got this far before Christmas. I had visions of myself still wearing incontinence pants on Christmas Day :( My perineum is still a little swollen and if I think about sex it makes me nervous. I've heard that it can be painful for quite a long time following an episiotomy. I've told D and he is incredibly supportive. He doesn't want to rush me at all. We'll take it slow. I guess the key is not being nervous! We have both been calm about becoming parents and lots of people have commented that our calmness must be rubbing off on N. Calm parents, calm baby. Emotionally, I do feel slightly up and down. Sometimes I don't really feel a bond and feel like I'm not doing enough to bond with her and help her development due to the cycle of feeding, changing, housework. At other times, I'm bursting with love. I've also been adjusting to the change in the dynamic of our little family. I used to be D's favourite girl. Now there are two of us. I know there is still room for me but it's an adjustment. I told D and he was understanding and I've noticed him giving me a little more affection since which has helped :) I've breastfed in public a couple of times now. The first time I was with the antenatal group so we were all at it and in a very baby friendly cafe. I was also dressed appropriately for it. The second and third times as I feeding alone and wearing slightly less modest clothing so found myself feeling more uncomfortable and being worried about exposing myself and getting negative reactions. I managed though! D's mother-in-law is arriving from overseas tomorrow. It'll be great to have her with us until Boxing Day. She is so excited to meet N and I know that she won't interfere with our care of her in any way. I have a great relationship with her. A friend who is going through IVF has just had another failed attempt. I feel awful for her, approaching Christmas in that situation. She had two miscarriages previously, both leading up to Christmas. For me, now being part of a process which is so normal and easy for most people, it's almost hard to remember the struggle that we've had getting here. But I must always remember and not take any of it for granted for a second.

The early days

N will be three weeks old tomorrow! Time is already flying by too quickly. She has already grown out of some of her newborn babygros. Her birth weight was 7lb 8ozs, 19.5 inches and she is now 8lb 5ozs and about 21.5 inches. I know I should be pleased that she is feeding and growing well but it makes me a bit sad. I don't want this precious time to disappear so quickly! She is an amazingly good baby. She is really chilled and only cries when she is hungry or needs changing. Oh, and when she's being changed - she doesn't like being stripped down! She is an incredibly beautiful baby. I know, we WOULD say that! But everyone says so :). She pulls lovely faces, pursing her beautiful lips and trying out her smile muscles. She sleeps pretty well, only waking once or twice each night. I love my time with her feeding at night, drinking her in in the silence. Her Dad is besotted with her and loves to spend time chatting with her and getting to know her. It's wonderful to look at him sometimes and see his daughter in his face. Her grandmother is also madly in love. And the other one is itching to get to England to meet her in a couple of weeks. We've got out and about a little bit for short walks, midwife appointments and shopping trips. N immediately falls asleep in her buggy or the sling which Dad loves to carry her in. We can't wait to start preparing for Christmas now that we have our little angel to share it with. Life has become very simple. Making sure that we're all healthy, clean, fed and sleeping are our priorities. Everything else is superfluous. I feel so privileged that my job is now caring for this little gem. I'm slowly healing and definitely feel like I'm getting back to my old self now. I'm now 2lbs lighter than my pre-pregnancy weight! Partly due to the stomach bug that I had in the first week, no doubt, and also due to muscle loss. My legs and ass are quite skinny, not filling my skinny jeans! Not sure when that happened! I know I was quite lazy in the latter half of the pregnancy and I guess have lost a lot of water weight. I'm definitely feeling a bit weak and out of shape. I'm finding myself munching on biscuits and chocolates a little too much so need to curb that habit! I'm not really ready to do any exercise other than light walking as I'm still recovering from the birth. My swelling has reduced considerably and sitting is a lot easier now. But I still have some continence issues which is frustrating and a little worrying. The midwife tried to refer me back to the doctor about it but he said that it's too soon and that I need more time to heal before they review me. So I have to wait for my appointment to come through which will be between 8 and 12 weeks post birth (mid jan-feb) which seems like a long way away. Hopefully I'll see some more improvement before then. Thankfully things aren't so bad that my social life is effected. I'm fairly confident that I can get out and about without any major accidents occurring! Fingers crossed anyway... We seem to be getting into a bit more of a routine every day and I'm managing to get us both washed, dressed and fed a bit faster each day. Which is good news as we have a 9am appointment with the health visitor on Friday! Hopefully we'll make it.

Birth Story

I gave birth to our little angel at 3:34am on Wednesday 13th November 2013. I was 41 weeks + 3 days. My midwife had attempted two stretch and sweeps; one on Friday 8th and another on Tuesday 12th, but on both occasions my cervix had been too posterior to carry it out. The midwife felt that it was therefore unlikely that I would go into labour on my own before 42 weeks and I was booked in for induction on Friday 15th November. I was feeling really uncomfortable with the idea of induction. I desperately wanted the baby to come when she was ready but I felt that I should go ahead with the induction rather than take any risks. Not that I needed to worry! First thing on Tuesday 12th I had some mild period like pains and thought I had a bit of a show. However as it was just a little blood rather than mucus the midwife felt that it probably wasn't actually a show and asked me to call the labour ward if the bleeding increased at all. After the stretch and sweep attempt that morning I went for a reasonably long walk along the river in the autumn sunshine to try and encourage the baby downwards. When I got home I felt pretty exhausted and spent the rest of the afternoon on the couch napping and generally not feeling quite right. The period pains had continued and I generally felt a bit 'off'. Around 4pm, my husband phoned to say that he was on his way home and I expected him to be back by around 5:15. Then at 5pm, I started getting what felt like gas pains. Except that they seemed to be happening quite regularly! I timed them for a while and they were happening every 2-4 minutes. I thought 'I can't phone the birth centre with gas pains!' and so just sat it out for a bit longer. By 5:30, I phoned my husband and asked him where he was and that I thought maybe things were starting to happen. He calmly said he'd be home within 15 minutes and I then phoned the birth centre. They suggested that I get in the bath and that if it was false labour the pains would probably stop but that if I was still getting them at the same regularity in an hours time that I should call and tell them that we were coming in. With that, D arrived home and ran me a bath. I was in the bath for about an hour and the pains continued. D thought that although the pains weren't getting closer together they appeared to be getting a bit stronger but I wasn't entirely sure and asked him to make the call as to whether it was time to go. He felt it was better to be safe than sorry so he phoned the hospital and off we went. In retrospect, I don't know why I was so doubtful about it being actual labour. Looking back it was pretty obvious. I have a vague memory of an uncomfortable drive to the hospital, having contractions at the security desk and collapsing down into a forward leaning position over a chair in the birthing room. I was examined within an hour of arrival and I was about 4cm dilated. I was then allowed in the birthing pool and think I spent the majority of the labour in there. My memories of my labour include: My midwife really enjoying my playlist and singing along to it, but not really noticing the music much myself (I remember the noise of sucking on the gas and air much more clearly); Feeling urges to bear down with most of my contractions from fairly early on; Being extremely unhappy when I was asked to change position or get out of the pool to be examined; Swearing at D when he kept telling me to relax fully between contractions - "What do you think I'm doing, the f**king Macarena?"; Being regularly encouraged to nibble on flapjack and sip water between contractions by my excellent birth partner husband. He really was amazing and provided all the support I needed from start to finish; Asking what my pain relief options were at about the half way point, being told I could have diamorphine and then forgetting all about it my request with the next contraction; Being repeatedly told by the midwife that I was pushing in the wrong place and strongly disagreeing with her; Pushing for a very long time (2.5 hours) and being told that the baby was stuck on a ridge on my perineum. The midwife suggested lots of different pushing positions to try and get the baby out. I was in various positions on the bed and also on the birthing stool; The gas and air being taken off me towards the end to help me focus on pushing in the right place; Hearing the animalistic, guttural noises coming out of my mouth with each contraction and it feeling like I was listening to someone else; Finally giving birth lying on my side on the bed with D holding my leg up, and with the help of an episiotomy; Hearing D's yelps of excitement telling me that the baby's head was out but being too scared to look myself; Feeling the warm rush of fluid as the baby came out and hearing her cry; Being passed our beautiful baby girl and enjoying the first feed with her. Unfortunately the first wonderful moments with the baby were interrupted by problems with the third stage. I had planned for a physiological third stage but was so exhausted that I asked if I should have the injection. The midwife told me that the episiotomy had torn (third degree) and I had quite a lot of bleeding so she would need to give the injection to speed things up. Unfortunately despite the midwives best efforts the placenta and membranes wouldn't budge and I was told that I would need to go into theatre to have them removed and to be stitched. I was feeling really nauseous at this point too, perhaps from the injection, empty stomach, shock? All of our things and our new bundle of love were gathered together and wheeled off to the labour ward where I met with the anaesthetist and was prepared for theatre. D looked after the baby beautifully, getting her dressed and walking her around and talking to her. He was left with her while I was in theatre and he confessed afterwards that he was terrified of something happening to me. One of the theatre assistants popped in to see him at one point to let him know that I was fine which he really appreciated. So after making it through labour with only gas and air, I was then given a spinal block for the surgery. The theatre staff were really great and chatted kindly to me the whole time. It was very surreal watching my legs being lifted in front of me when my brain could very clearly still feel them lying on the bed! My nausea continued through the surgery and I was given a couple of different anti-nausea drugs. I was wheeled back to the labour ward afterwards where the nausea continued and I was violently shaking. I was desperate to start feeling better at this point! Our baby was passed to me for another feed and the skin to skin contact definitely started to make me feel better. The shaking and nausea finally started to subside. I was given a bed bath which was very welcome and left to rest for a little while. At some point, maybe around 7am?, we were moved again to the post natal ward. It took a few hours for my legs to come back to life and then the discomfort of the surgery started to set in. I was given morphine for the pain which really helped keep me comfortable but the main problem was trying to sit to eat and feed the baby. I was absolutely horrified by the swelling and the complete lack of distinction between my parts 'down there'! I really hadn't been prepared for it at all. I knew that there was something that I hadn't been warned about! Since the birth, I've had many knowing looks from other mothers and comments like "now you understand"! I was in hospital for another night during which I had some lovely bonding moments with beautiful girl while I had her all to myself. We all happily left for home the following afternoon. My recovery at home has been slower than I would have liked. It's taken a good couple of weeks for the swelling to reduce to a level where I can sit on the sofa without any additional cushions. I've also been suffering from some feacal incontinence which was compounded by diarrhoea from a sickness bug that D and I picked up during the first week (thankfully the baby didn't). The incontinence has been really distressing and I'm still very concerned about how long it will last and if it will get better. I'm hoping for a referral to the hospital about it very soon. The physical recovery has been an unwelcome distraction from caring for the baby. I've been feeling pretty sorry for myself at times and hating the limitations in being able to do some basic things for the baby. D has been on paternity leave and I don't know how I would have coped without him being at home with us. N is now 13 days old and D will be going back to work in two days and I know that I'll be finding a new 'routine' with N all over again with it being just me! We're finding our way every day and doing the best that we can. And loving every minute :)