Two months old

N is now nearly two months old - eight weeks today! Her skin is sooo soft and her hair is coming off at the back a little but leaving a cute thick row of hair left along the bottom of her head :) She looks just like I did as a baby! It's a little bit freaky looking at her sometimes and seeing baby photos of myself looking back at me! At five weeks she weighed 9lb 14oz and at 7 weeks she was 10lb 8oz and 23.5 inches! She is really getting big - I notice it most at night when I'm tired and need to pick her up! She has really full, chubby cheeks now and a double chin. She is still just so beautiful and we get lots of oohs and aahs from people when we take her out. She is really finding her voice and starting to coo and shout out. She loves stretching out her arms and legs and goes crazy on the changing mat. D's Mum arrived just before Christmas and we had a good visit with her. She has fallen head over heels with N and N really took to her too. D had got a smile from N before his Mum arrived but I hadn't had one and D was inpatient for more. Well, D's Mum got one immediately and kept getting them all the time. I have to be honest, I was gutted! It really hurt. But I finally got one too, after singing and playing with her. And D eventually got a few more so we felt better! I'm not naturally a clown around babies but I guess that's what they respond to. During all of D's Mum's visit I felt that she was watching and criticising my care of Nia. She didn't actually say anything to suggest that so I was probably being paranoid. She sent me a lovely text after she had left saying that she has no doubt that I will be and am a spectacular Mum which really reassured me. Little, tiny things that are said and comments that are made by my Mum and D's Mum sometimes make me feel that they are trying to influence the way I do things. I could be wrong and just reading too much into it. Over Christmas, N also met her uncle and aunt on D's side and her aunt on my side which lovely. Although my sister seems to be finding it a little hard adjusting to N being around. My sister is used to being the centre of attention - well, not any more! We're reading to N and showing her black and white books which really hold her attention. She got lots of toys for Christmas and we're introducing them to her although she's not quite ready to play with them yet. Although towards the end of this month she held and shook a rattle for the first time which was lovely :) She really likes music - she stops to listen and really responds to it. She often smiles when I whistle a tune to her which I LOVE! We were invited to a kid-friendly New Years Eve party which we went to. We were home around 10pm - how times have changed!! I've started to express breast milk so that D can give N a bottle occasionally. D has given her two bottles which she has taken very happily. Once when I went to meet a couple of friends for coffee and to pick up a few things. It was weird being away from her and after about 45 minutes I got increasingly anxious about her needing me for more milk. I rushed around like a maniac to get the shopping done! I guess I'll get used to it. I went into the office yesterday to show off N to my colleagues and took a bottle with me to avoid breastfeeding at work, but she didn't want to take it. I'm not sure if it was because it wasn't warm enough or if the teat was too slow or if it was just because it was me trying to give it. My Mum tried to give the same bottle later on and she was still a little fussy with it. Maybe because I was in the room, or maybe I need to try a different teat. I will persevere! It'll be good if I can feed her with a bottle occasionally if I'm going somewhere where breastfeeding will be awkward.

One month old

N was one month old last Friday. In fact she'll be five weeks old tomorrow. D has been off work for Christmas for a little over a week now and we're working well as a team to take care of her. Letting each other nap and get things done when we need to and when there is an opportunity. N and I made it to the health visitor appointment on time for her weigh in. The health visitor is lovely but I did feel like I was being watched like a hawk as I undressed her and dressed her. It was boiling hot in the clinic room and I'd dressed her in a fiddly outfit so I was feeling stressed about it! I'll definitely be picking out the easiest baby-gro for the next appointment! N is still very calm and relaxed. She's a little gem :) Very soft and kissable and described by everyone as 'just perfect'. Her eyes were dark blue when she was born but they are gradually getting lighter now. I think they'll be a grey/blue colour eventually like her Dad's. Her hair is getting a little bit longer in the back and looks like D's when it's wet, indicating that she might have some curls :) Her face has already changed a lot and her cheeks are filling out like mine did when I was a baby! She's getting more alert and needing more stimulation. She loves taking in the world around her. She's continuing to grow out of her newborn clothes but she's still too tiny for the next size up (0-3 months)! People comment on how tiny they think she is but she is growing at around the 50th percentile so she's a good size for her age. She weighed 8lb 11oz at 3 weeks. She does seem to have a smaller head than other babies her age so maybe that's why she appears small. Her neck and legs and grip are already getting stronger. We think we've seen her first proper smiles! The first one was for Daddy, which I admit I was a little jealous about, but I've seen a few myself too :) You can see the smile in her eyes which makes it seem more genuine. They do seem to come more regularly after a feed though so maybe I'm kidding myself and it's just wind! Daddy calls her "squeaps" because she makes a lot of little squeaky noises. I call her Nia-bean and Nia-bug. We tried out a quilted sleep suit on her last week and for the first two nights of wearing it she slept through the night! The first night she slept from 12:30-6:30am and the second night she slept from 11:30-7am. Amazing! We couldn't believe it. It didn't last though, she has been up around 3-4am each night since then. Maybe it was a growth spurt. A friend of mine who has two little ones was stunned as her youngest (9 months) hasn't slept through the night yet. I felt a bit bad telling her!! We've been overwhelmed with gifts and cards and have had regular, but not too frequent, visitors. Oddly we have had very few cards and gifts from our immediate family. Siblings in particular. We're not really bothered as N has so much but to not even get a card is a little weird... I went to a baby resuscitation class at the local children's centre last week which also covered what to do in case of choking. It gave me confidence that I could do my best to take care of N if something like that happened. A scary thought though. We've been preparing for Christmas and putting up the tree was pretty emotional. We have an ornament that my mother-in-law gave us for our first married Christmas which was 16 years ago! Looking at it together and thinking about our journey to N's first Christmas with us got us both welling up. D put it very well - "I didn't realise she was missing until she was here". Physically I'm feeling a LOT better all of a sudden. I definitely feel like I'm healing and that I have bowel control again now which is great! I really hoped to have got this far before Christmas. I had visions of myself still wearing incontinence pants on Christmas Day :( My perineum is still a little swollen and if I think about sex it makes me nervous. I've heard that it can be painful for quite a long time following an episiotomy. I've told D and he is incredibly supportive. He doesn't want to rush me at all. We'll take it slow. I guess the key is not being nervous! We have both been calm about becoming parents and lots of people have commented that our calmness must be rubbing off on N. Calm parents, calm baby. Emotionally, I do feel slightly up and down. Sometimes I don't really feel a bond and feel like I'm not doing enough to bond with her and help her development due to the cycle of feeding, changing, housework. At other times, I'm bursting with love. I've also been adjusting to the change in the dynamic of our little family. I used to be D's favourite girl. Now there are two of us. I know there is still room for me but it's an adjustment. I told D and he was understanding and I've noticed him giving me a little more affection since which has helped :) I've breastfed in public a couple of times now. The first time I was with the antenatal group so we were all at it and in a very baby friendly cafe. I was also dressed appropriately for it. The second and third times as I feeding alone and wearing slightly less modest clothing so found myself feeling more uncomfortable and being worried about exposing myself and getting negative reactions. I managed though! D's mother-in-law is arriving from overseas tomorrow. It'll be great to have her with us until Boxing Day. She is so excited to meet N and I know that she won't interfere with our care of her in any way. I have a great relationship with her. A friend who is going through IVF has just had another failed attempt. I feel awful for her, approaching Christmas in that situation. She had two miscarriages previously, both leading up to Christmas. For me, now being part of a process which is so normal and easy for most people, it's almost hard to remember the struggle that we've had getting here. But I must always remember and not take any of it for granted for a second.

The early days

N will be three weeks old tomorrow! Time is already flying by too quickly. She has already grown out of some of her newborn babygros. Her birth weight was 7lb 8ozs, 19.5 inches and she is now 8lb 5ozs and about 21.5 inches. I know I should be pleased that she is feeding and growing well but it makes me a bit sad. I don't want this precious time to disappear so quickly! She is an amazingly good baby. She is really chilled and only cries when she is hungry or needs changing. Oh, and when she's being changed - she doesn't like being stripped down! She is an incredibly beautiful baby. I know, we WOULD say that! But everyone says so :). She pulls lovely faces, pursing her beautiful lips and trying out her smile muscles. She sleeps pretty well, only waking once or twice each night. I love my time with her feeding at night, drinking her in in the silence. Her Dad is besotted with her and loves to spend time chatting with her and getting to know her. It's wonderful to look at him sometimes and see his daughter in his face. Her grandmother is also madly in love. And the other one is itching to get to England to meet her in a couple of weeks. We've got out and about a little bit for short walks, midwife appointments and shopping trips. N immediately falls asleep in her buggy or the sling which Dad loves to carry her in. We can't wait to start preparing for Christmas now that we have our little angel to share it with. Life has become very simple. Making sure that we're all healthy, clean, fed and sleeping are our priorities. Everything else is superfluous. I feel so privileged that my job is now caring for this little gem. I'm slowly healing and definitely feel like I'm getting back to my old self now. I'm now 2lbs lighter than my pre-pregnancy weight! Partly due to the stomach bug that I had in the first week, no doubt, and also due to muscle loss. My legs and ass are quite skinny, not filling my skinny jeans! Not sure when that happened! I know I was quite lazy in the latter half of the pregnancy and I guess have lost a lot of water weight. I'm definitely feeling a bit weak and out of shape. I'm finding myself munching on biscuits and chocolates a little too much so need to curb that habit! I'm not really ready to do any exercise other than light walking as I'm still recovering from the birth. My swelling has reduced considerably and sitting is a lot easier now. But I still have some continence issues which is frustrating and a little worrying. The midwife tried to refer me back to the doctor about it but he said that it's too soon and that I need more time to heal before they review me. So I have to wait for my appointment to come through which will be between 8 and 12 weeks post birth (mid jan-feb) which seems like a long way away. Hopefully I'll see some more improvement before then. Thankfully things aren't so bad that my social life is effected. I'm fairly confident that I can get out and about without any major accidents occurring! Fingers crossed anyway... We seem to be getting into a bit more of a routine every day and I'm managing to get us both washed, dressed and fed a bit faster each day. Which is good news as we have a 9am appointment with the health visitor on Friday! Hopefully we'll make it.

Bye, bye due date

So another week has passed and so has the due date (which was yesterday). It's been a fairly low key week. D has been on half term and he has been happy to take things really easy, which has been good as it's forced me to slow down as well. We have tried to get out for a walk each day to encourage the baby into position and we've certainly got plenty of sleep. I've been sleeping for 8.5-9 hours each night on average and had the occasional daytime nap too! I made a brief video for the baby to let her know that we're excited about her arrival and to let her know the names that we have in mind for her (we've finally got a short list of five). Got quite emotional towards the end of the video and had to stop quickly before I started blubbing. We're going to set up an email address for her where we can send memories as they happen for her to read as she gets older, so I'll send the video to that. We've also been taking a bump picture each week and now that we've got to 40 weeks we've converted it to a time lapse video which is a nice momento :) I met with the NCT group again on Tuesday. All six of us were there this time with the 2 babies who had already arrived. A third has arrived since then. In theory, I'm supposed to be next! I've started to take some raspberry leaf capsules, although from what I've read I might have left it a little late. Apparently raspberry leaf tones the uterus and can help a faster second stage of labour so I'm willing to give it a go even at this late stage! We've also started doing some nipple stimulation (a bit tedious for both parties when you're supposed to do it for an hour a day!) and we're having sex (which is pretty comical at this point!). We went out for a curry on Saturday night too. Partly to try and encourage labour but also because it'll probably be our last meal out for some time. Not sure what else we can do other than wait! My Mum recently told me that my nan carried all three of her children for 10 months (in the days before induction). As my sister and I were both late, and D and all his siblings were late, it looks like family history is not on our side for an induction-free start! I would really like things to happen on their own but what will be will be. I have a midwife appointment tomorrow so we'll see what she says. Today I'm keeping myself occupied by getting ahead with the Christmas shopping!

Round 3 begins

We met with the consultant a few weeks ago and he threw something at us that we weren't expecting. We were planning on using our two frozen embryos for this next cycle and paying for it ourselves. If we aren't successful this third time, we were planning to have a fourth full cycle with egg collection using the funding that we are still entitled to. Well, the consultant suggested that some couples like to hang onto their frozen embryos - as they won't lose quality - to turn to after they have done all the egg collection cycles that they want to do. It maybe that the frozen embryos as used to try for a sibling. We thought about it for a few days and decided that, at this stage, we will feel very lucky to have one baby let alone trying to plan for an IVF sibling! We want to make life as easy as possible for ourselves so decided to go ahead as planned and use the frosties this time. Prior to meeting with the nurse for our planning visit, I was looking forward to a shorter cycle with drugs that I'm familiar with and knowing what to expect. But we met with the nurse this week and she had a little surprise for me. One of the drugs that is used after the embryo transfer (progesterone) has previously been a pessary which was fine. But now, a new form of the drug is available which is a daily injection. This is thought to be more effective as it gets straight into your blood stream. The downside is that it's an injection into your ass muscle. A bigger needle and help from husband required. Yuck. The nurse proceded to tell me NOT to read about this on the forums and that the couples she has spoken to say that the actual injection isn't that painful, it's the soreness afterwards that's more of an issue. We shall see! There just always seems to be something new and unexpected with IVF! Just when you think you know what's coming... Being at the clinic again got me down. I was depressed to be thinking about beginning another cycle and the emotional rollercoaster beginning once again. Each Christmas I think, 'maybe next Christmas there will be a baby, or a baby on the way'. Approaching another Christmas with neither is sad. However, the run up to Christmas has been fun and enjoyable so far and we have champagne cocktails planned for Christmas Day :)