6 months old

N is six months old. Half a year already! Although the time has gone by quickly, I also feel like she's been in our lives for so much longer. It's amazing to see how much she has developed in six months and how capable she is of so many things. We had our first trip away from home with N this month. We visited her Uncle and Aunt and it all went pretty smoothly. She travelled well in the car and coped well with the change of scene. N is very strong and she's standing and sitting when supported. She rolled from her back onto her front this month and a few days later she rolled from her front to her back. She doesn't always remember how she did it and gets REALLY frustrated when she is stuck on one side or the other. But she's making progress with moving around almost every day and often I'll turn my back for a few seconds and not know how she has come to be facing in a different direction! It's definitely time to start baby-proofing the house. She has tried to get into the fireplace a few times... She is responding to her name when we call her and she has smiles for everyone when we are out and about. People often comment on her lovely smile and how sweet she is. I've put together a sensory basket and a fabric sample basket for her and she loves delving through them and investigating all the items by shoving them in her mouth. She loves watching The Simpsons, I guess it must be the bright colours. You really knows what she wants and is very determined. She has learnt how to scream this month and she has had lots of fun playing screaming games with D! She definitely has a sense of humour. She's having some solid food every evening now. Her first meal was baby rice with my milk and puréed apples and bananas. I'm giving her a mixture of spoon fed purees (baby rice, baby porridge, mashed vegetables, pureed fruit) and also finger foods. I had intended on doing just baby-led weaning but gave her some rice and porridge intially and she loves it. Plus I can see how frustrating it is for her trying to handle food and so I want to be able to give her something that she can actually eat. I'll reduce the mash/puree as she becomes better able to feed herself. She's also gagging quite a bit with the finger foods so I'm not entirely sure how ready she is for them but don't want to wait on solids any more as she is definitely interested and I'm conscious that she needs to get going with it sooner rather than later. She has quite a selection of fruit and vegetables and the only things that she doesn't seem as keen on so far are blueberries. We'll try them again soon though. She weighs 18lb and 10z now and she's about 26 inches tall. She's heavy! I'm physically shattered! She has had three colds in the last couple of months and her sleeping has been eratic. I go to bed not really knowing what kind of night lies ahead. Sometimes she'll sleep from 10:30pm-6am and then go back to sleep after a feed and sometimes she might wake several times in the night including staying awake for quite a while and babbling away to herself! I'm feeling the effects of sleep deprivation and looking very tired! My 40th birthday is approaching and for the first time I'm really feeling my age! The back of her neck is ridiculously soft. Her hair is getting thicker, blonder and longer. We're using the big bath now as she has grown out of the baby bath. We keep the water low so she can lie right back and kick freely which she loves. We FaceTime and Oovoo with D and his family in America and N is starting to respond to the people on the other end :) I think that she is starting to experience separation anxiety already. She often cries the moment that I leave the room and immediately stops when I reappear. We started Sing and Sign classes last week. My sister in law said that signing really helped with her kids and it makes a lot of sense to me to give her the opportunity to be able to communicate with us more effectively before she starts to talk. We also tried a class called Creation Station where the babies can have messy play with paint, etc. She seemed to like it and we'll probably go back again when Sing and Sign has finished. At the moment I'm feeling like I need to stop trying to cram so much into each week. It's difficult as I like to have something on every day to get us out the house and I think Nia is happier for it and less fussy. But if we have a busy day it definitely takes its toll on both of us. I'm definitely feeling more worn out at this point than I have since she was born and the last few days she has been quite fussy and she generally seems irritable and frustrated so the smiles and giggles seem a bit few and far between at the moment. D insisted that we celebrate American Mother's Day as well as the British one and took me out for dinner while Granny babysat. It was weird and lovely to have some time together. Mostly we talked about how great N is and how wonderful our lives are with her in it :) Granny (my Mum) loves her visits to see N. So much that sometimes I don't feel like she would be bothered if I was around or not!! I try and shake this off but it's not always easy. Mum has started to take N out for a couple of hours a week which she loves and it gives me a little bit of time to get some things done at home (like writing this blog!). I put in my request with work to take the whole year of maternity leave and to take my accrued annual leave before returning to work. I've also asked to go back to work part time (3 days a week). So if this is approved, I'll be going back in early December. I've been given the impression informally that this will all be OK but my boss is being a bit vague about confirming it officially which is frustrating. Hopefully it will all work out.

Three months old

N will be three months old tomorrow! Wow. She seems to have really come alive this month, particularly in the last couple of weeks. She responds to our voices much more now, she has spotted the TV and can't keep her eyes off it, she's smiling a lot and makes lots of expressions. She is getting more coordinated with her hands and is purposefully reaching out for things. She spends quite a lot of time studying her hands which I love to watch. She's also just starting to notice her legs and feet. She's getting much more vocal - really shouting out at times! Her hair is getting slightly thicker. I don't think her eye colour has changed at all this month, it's still blue/grey. She has had a few firsts this month. She had her first swim at the local pool which she loved and we also took her to a taster session for baby swimming lessons. She loved that even more so we've signed her up for the course! She also had her first trip to the cinema! One of our local theatres does a mother and baby screening once a month. N fed and slept through the whole thing and the other babies were pretty relaxed too so it worked well. We're going again next week with D. She also had her first set of jabs this month. I'd always heard of Mums being upset when their kids get their jabs but I thought I would be fine with it. We all get jabs after all. What's the big deal? The nurse asked me if I was OK beforehand and I was fine. Nia took her Rotovirus oral vaccine and she smiled from the sweetness. And then she got the first jab in the leg. Her reaction really floored me. I hadn't seen her cry out in pain before and it was rough! I had tears in my eyes and tried to hold it together while they did the second jab. Poor baby. I really felt like I'd given her into a false sense of security. I took her outside to feed straight away and she fed and quickly went to sleep :( She had REALLY bad wind for a while that night and was crying in pain again. Horrible to see. I think it must have been the Rotovirus vaccine. Not looking forward to the next round now... At 10 weeks she weighed 13lbs and was 24.5 inches. At 11.5 weeks she was 13lb 9oz. So she is between the 50th and 75th percentile - a very healthy weight! She likes to spread out in bed and so the moses basket just wasn't working anymore. It's too cramped and noisy and I couldn't settle her in it if she woke in the night. So we moved her cotbed into our room and she's now sleeping very comfortably. She generally sleeps from around 11:30-12pm until 7-7:30am, which is great! I'm working on getting her to bed a little bit earlier now. I'm feeling quite guilty about the lack of attention that our two cats are getting. Basically they are get next to none! And the weather has been really wet so they are getting frustrated being indoors all the time too. They tend to feel like more of an annoyance than anything else now which I feel bad about. I also feel guilty whenever I'm doing anything for myself rather than something for N. I've got to get over that as I don't give myself a great deal of time. I seem to be healing well now and things seem to be getting back to normal. I have an appointment with the consultant at the hospital this week and I'll be asking him about a few things. Since I've been sewn up I have a skin tag and I don't know why it's there and if I'm stuck with it. It's a bit annoying but I guess I can live with it. I've also had really bad, noisy and sometimes very smelly gas lately! It happens completely unexpectedly and embarrassingly sometimes. I've read online that it's normal and gets better but I need to ask about it as it is a concern...! Also, D and I have attempted sex a couple of times and although we made better progress the second time, it feels very tight in there and we couldn't do it properly. Afterwards I felt like a virgin who had lost her virginity at an orgy - very sore! I'm very happy with how my body has sprung back to my original size (actually slightly smaller). I assume this is partly because I didn't put on a great deal of extra weight and also because I'm breastfeeding. But I need to keep an eye on it as I'm eating obscene amounts of cookies and cake. I won't be breastfeeding forever after all. We started a short course of baby massage lessons this month which N seems to enjoy. She certainly sleeps well afterwards. I also took her to a baby sensory class taster but I don't think we'll go again as it was a bit of a glorified play group. I'm really feeling the time running away - I'm a third of the way through my maternity leave already... :( I want to literally inhale N and really feel every moment with her to be savoured forever. I really don't like the idea of going back to work and leaving N with anyone, even if it is my Mum. I feel it's my job to take care of her. There are some work opportunities for D which might help us to accomplish this - we'll see how they pan out over the next few months.

Two months old

N is now nearly two months old - eight weeks today! Her skin is sooo soft and her hair is coming off at the back a little but leaving a cute thick row of hair left along the bottom of her head :) She looks just like I did as a baby! It's a little bit freaky looking at her sometimes and seeing baby photos of myself looking back at me! At five weeks she weighed 9lb 14oz and at 7 weeks she was 10lb 8oz and 23.5 inches! She is really getting big - I notice it most at night when I'm tired and need to pick her up! She has really full, chubby cheeks now and a double chin. She is still just so beautiful and we get lots of oohs and aahs from people when we take her out. She is really finding her voice and starting to coo and shout out. She loves stretching out her arms and legs and goes crazy on the changing mat. D's Mum arrived just before Christmas and we had a good visit with her. She has fallen head over heels with N and N really took to her too. D had got a smile from N before his Mum arrived but I hadn't had one and D was inpatient for more. Well, D's Mum got one immediately and kept getting them all the time. I have to be honest, I was gutted! It really hurt. But I finally got one too, after singing and playing with her. And D eventually got a few more so we felt better! I'm not naturally a clown around babies but I guess that's what they respond to. During all of D's Mum's visit I felt that she was watching and criticising my care of Nia. She didn't actually say anything to suggest that so I was probably being paranoid. She sent me a lovely text after she had left saying that she has no doubt that I will be and am a spectacular Mum which really reassured me. Little, tiny things that are said and comments that are made by my Mum and D's Mum sometimes make me feel that they are trying to influence the way I do things. I could be wrong and just reading too much into it. Over Christmas, N also met her uncle and aunt on D's side and her aunt on my side which lovely. Although my sister seems to be finding it a little hard adjusting to N being around. My sister is used to being the centre of attention - well, not any more! We're reading to N and showing her black and white books which really hold her attention. She got lots of toys for Christmas and we're introducing them to her although she's not quite ready to play with them yet. Although towards the end of this month she held and shook a rattle for the first time which was lovely :) She really likes music - she stops to listen and really responds to it. She often smiles when I whistle a tune to her which I LOVE! We were invited to a kid-friendly New Years Eve party which we went to. We were home around 10pm - how times have changed!! I've started to express breast milk so that D can give N a bottle occasionally. D has given her two bottles which she has taken very happily. Once when I went to meet a couple of friends for coffee and to pick up a few things. It was weird being away from her and after about 45 minutes I got increasingly anxious about her needing me for more milk. I rushed around like a maniac to get the shopping done! I guess I'll get used to it. I went into the office yesterday to show off N to my colleagues and took a bottle with me to avoid breastfeeding at work, but she didn't want to take it. I'm not sure if it was because it wasn't warm enough or if the teat was too slow or if it was just because it was me trying to give it. My Mum tried to give the same bottle later on and she was still a little fussy with it. Maybe because I was in the room, or maybe I need to try a different teat. I will persevere! It'll be good if I can feed her with a bottle occasionally if I'm going somewhere where breastfeeding will be awkward.

One month old

N was one month old last Friday. In fact she'll be five weeks old tomorrow. D has been off work for Christmas for a little over a week now and we're working well as a team to take care of her. Letting each other nap and get things done when we need to and when there is an opportunity. N and I made it to the health visitor appointment on time for her weigh in. The health visitor is lovely but I did feel like I was being watched like a hawk as I undressed her and dressed her. It was boiling hot in the clinic room and I'd dressed her in a fiddly outfit so I was feeling stressed about it! I'll definitely be picking out the easiest baby-gro for the next appointment! N is still very calm and relaxed. She's a little gem :) Very soft and kissable and described by everyone as 'just perfect'. Her eyes were dark blue when she was born but they are gradually getting lighter now. I think they'll be a grey/blue colour eventually like her Dad's. Her hair is getting a little bit longer in the back and looks like D's when it's wet, indicating that she might have some curls :) Her face has already changed a lot and her cheeks are filling out like mine did when I was a baby! She's getting more alert and needing more stimulation. She loves taking in the world around her. She's continuing to grow out of her newborn clothes but she's still too tiny for the next size up (0-3 months)! People comment on how tiny they think she is but she is growing at around the 50th percentile so she's a good size for her age. She weighed 8lb 11oz at 3 weeks. She does seem to have a smaller head than other babies her age so maybe that's why she appears small. Her neck and legs and grip are already getting stronger. We think we've seen her first proper smiles! The first one was for Daddy, which I admit I was a little jealous about, but I've seen a few myself too :) You can see the smile in her eyes which makes it seem more genuine. They do seem to come more regularly after a feed though so maybe I'm kidding myself and it's just wind! Daddy calls her "squeaps" because she makes a lot of little squeaky noises. I call her Nia-bean and Nia-bug. We tried out a quilted sleep suit on her last week and for the first two nights of wearing it she slept through the night! The first night she slept from 12:30-6:30am and the second night she slept from 11:30-7am. Amazing! We couldn't believe it. It didn't last though, she has been up around 3-4am each night since then. Maybe it was a growth spurt. A friend of mine who has two little ones was stunned as her youngest (9 months) hasn't slept through the night yet. I felt a bit bad telling her!! We've been overwhelmed with gifts and cards and have had regular, but not too frequent, visitors. Oddly we have had very few cards and gifts from our immediate family. Siblings in particular. We're not really bothered as N has so much but to not even get a card is a little weird... I went to a baby resuscitation class at the local children's centre last week which also covered what to do in case of choking. It gave me confidence that I could do my best to take care of N if something like that happened. A scary thought though. We've been preparing for Christmas and putting up the tree was pretty emotional. We have an ornament that my mother-in-law gave us for our first married Christmas which was 16 years ago! Looking at it together and thinking about our journey to N's first Christmas with us got us both welling up. D put it very well - "I didn't realise she was missing until she was here". Physically I'm feeling a LOT better all of a sudden. I definitely feel like I'm healing and that I have bowel control again now which is great! I really hoped to have got this far before Christmas. I had visions of myself still wearing incontinence pants on Christmas Day :( My perineum is still a little swollen and if I think about sex it makes me nervous. I've heard that it can be painful for quite a long time following an episiotomy. I've told D and he is incredibly supportive. He doesn't want to rush me at all. We'll take it slow. I guess the key is not being nervous! We have both been calm about becoming parents and lots of people have commented that our calmness must be rubbing off on N. Calm parents, calm baby. Emotionally, I do feel slightly up and down. Sometimes I don't really feel a bond and feel like I'm not doing enough to bond with her and help her development due to the cycle of feeding, changing, housework. At other times, I'm bursting with love. I've also been adjusting to the change in the dynamic of our little family. I used to be D's favourite girl. Now there are two of us. I know there is still room for me but it's an adjustment. I told D and he was understanding and I've noticed him giving me a little more affection since which has helped :) I've breastfed in public a couple of times now. The first time I was with the antenatal group so we were all at it and in a very baby friendly cafe. I was also dressed appropriately for it. The second and third times as I feeding alone and wearing slightly less modest clothing so found myself feeling more uncomfortable and being worried about exposing myself and getting negative reactions. I managed though! D's mother-in-law is arriving from overseas tomorrow. It'll be great to have her with us until Boxing Day. She is so excited to meet N and I know that she won't interfere with our care of her in any way. I have a great relationship with her. A friend who is going through IVF has just had another failed attempt. I feel awful for her, approaching Christmas in that situation. She had two miscarriages previously, both leading up to Christmas. For me, now being part of a process which is so normal and easy for most people, it's almost hard to remember the struggle that we've had getting here. But I must always remember and not take any of it for granted for a second.

The early days

N will be three weeks old tomorrow! Time is already flying by too quickly. She has already grown out of some of her newborn babygros. Her birth weight was 7lb 8ozs, 19.5 inches and she is now 8lb 5ozs and about 21.5 inches. I know I should be pleased that she is feeding and growing well but it makes me a bit sad. I don't want this precious time to disappear so quickly! She is an amazingly good baby. She is really chilled and only cries when she is hungry or needs changing. Oh, and when she's being changed - she doesn't like being stripped down! She is an incredibly beautiful baby. I know, we WOULD say that! But everyone says so :). She pulls lovely faces, pursing her beautiful lips and trying out her smile muscles. She sleeps pretty well, only waking once or twice each night. I love my time with her feeding at night, drinking her in in the silence. Her Dad is besotted with her and loves to spend time chatting with her and getting to know her. It's wonderful to look at him sometimes and see his daughter in his face. Her grandmother is also madly in love. And the other one is itching to get to England to meet her in a couple of weeks. We've got out and about a little bit for short walks, midwife appointments and shopping trips. N immediately falls asleep in her buggy or the sling which Dad loves to carry her in. We can't wait to start preparing for Christmas now that we have our little angel to share it with. Life has become very simple. Making sure that we're all healthy, clean, fed and sleeping are our priorities. Everything else is superfluous. I feel so privileged that my job is now caring for this little gem. I'm slowly healing and definitely feel like I'm getting back to my old self now. I'm now 2lbs lighter than my pre-pregnancy weight! Partly due to the stomach bug that I had in the first week, no doubt, and also due to muscle loss. My legs and ass are quite skinny, not filling my skinny jeans! Not sure when that happened! I know I was quite lazy in the latter half of the pregnancy and I guess have lost a lot of water weight. I'm definitely feeling a bit weak and out of shape. I'm finding myself munching on biscuits and chocolates a little too much so need to curb that habit! I'm not really ready to do any exercise other than light walking as I'm still recovering from the birth. My swelling has reduced considerably and sitting is a lot easier now. But I still have some continence issues which is frustrating and a little worrying. The midwife tried to refer me back to the doctor about it but he said that it's too soon and that I need more time to heal before they review me. So I have to wait for my appointment to come through which will be between 8 and 12 weeks post birth (mid jan-feb) which seems like a long way away. Hopefully I'll see some more improvement before then. Thankfully things aren't so bad that my social life is effected. I'm fairly confident that I can get out and about without any major accidents occurring! Fingers crossed anyway... We seem to be getting into a bit more of a routine every day and I'm managing to get us both washed, dressed and fed a bit faster each day. Which is good news as we have a 9am appointment with the health visitor on Friday! Hopefully we'll make it.