11 months old

N is beautiful, adorable and fun with a gorgeous smile. She has two smiles actually. Her wide open-mouthed smile showing off her four teeth, and her closed-mouth smirk (my personal favourite). She loves to cuddle! She will do it on request and will reach out unexpectedly on a regular basis. She is practising standing, and we count quickly for her to encourage her. We've counted to 160 so far! She's started to confidently cruise around the furniture and she has even taken her first step unaided. We go to Bounce and Rhyme at the library most weeks where we sing nursery rhymes and we go to play group once a week now too. N is starting to interact with other children which is fascinating to watch. She's not at all shy and will bound in to play with others. We still go to Turtle Tots for swimming lessons on Sunday mornings and it's so good to see N progressing. She's very confident and I can feel her wanting to pull away from me and swim on her own. She also spends one afternoon a week with my mum. This gives me a break to catch up on things and Granny LOVES her time with N so much. Sadly, N had conjunctivitis again and a run of colds and she had a few days of miserable teething which hasn't yet resulted in any more teeth. This illness and unhappiness meant a period of time when her sleep was really disrupted. It was even harder than usual to get her to bed at night and she was waking every few hours. Her sleeping is erratic at the best of times but this particularly tough period meant that I really didn't have any time to myself in the evenings and I was going to bed even more anxious than usual about what the night ahead was going to bring. D was sleeping on the sofa so that he could get a good nights sleep which is really important as he drives a lot for work, but I felt very lonely. I've also been thinking about the return to work and went into work for a couple of half days to 'keep in touch'. This brought my anxieties about the return to work to the front of my mind and the time in the office meant that I lost the time that I usually have to myself when my mum has N. D was extremely busy with work and I found it tough to keep on top of things. I was feeling pretty low for a while and felt like I was giving myself to others 100% of the time. An old stress related dermatitis came back on my eyelids. I hadn't had it since I was going through IVF. I went to the doctor to get some cream for it and she said that it was probably good that the stress was coming out physically rather than in other ways but that it probably means that I'm bottling things up, which is absolutely right. The babies in our NCT group have starting having their first birthdays! I've felt very emotional about it at times. The first year, almost over already. My maternity leave has officially come to an end now. Thankfully I have a good chunk of annual leave to take before I go back and at least I start getting paid again now! N is clearly understanding some words now. In particular, no and cuddle. She loves apple slices at the moment. She will sit for ages chomping away on them. She loves flicking through the pages of her books. Well, any books. And she loves stealing my slippers off my feet! Her absolute favourite place to sleep is on daddy's chest. She is an absolute joy to spend my days with.

10 months old

Ten months old. 21.8 lbs and 29.5 inches. N has four teeth now and we're trying to brush them but she's not keen and wants to just hold the brush herself and chew and suck on it. I figure at least the fluoride is getting in there! Her movements are getting faster and more precise and she is chasing the cats. They seem to be taking to her but very wisely are always ready to flee. N is giving double high fives and waving goodbye. She is giving cuddles which is wonderful and big wet open mouth kisses. She's generally very affectionate. She has the cutest curls behind her ears. She has always liked to cross her ankles and this cute habit seems to be sticking. She is strong willed and determined. I think she's going to prove to be a handful! I've been feeling pretty emotional this month. D has gone back to work marking the end of the summer and so it feels like the countdown has begun before I have to go back to work too. I'm feeling anxious about being away from N, missing the little new things she does each day, the change in our routine and managing her weaning so that feeding isn't an issue. I'm also emotional about her developing so quickly. Some days I see her progressing so fast and it's overwhelming. On top of all that, I've been feeling really broody. More broody than I've ever felt in fact. I guess it's seeing N growing so fast and wanting to capture some of the early times again. Nature's way no doubt! However, in the middle of a disrupted night's sleep I feel differently! And it's still really disrupted on a regular basis. N's routine still hasn't really settled since we got back from our holiday. And she seems to be needing to be breastfed back to sleep even more than ever. I don't know how we'll ever break that habit! She had a bad cold a little while ago and I was really struggling with the disrupted sleep. Someone recommended a humidifier and so we bought one in readiness for the next cold and now she has another one already! So fingers crossed it helps! Despite being broody, I don't feel the need to be touched! Having a baby so reliant on my body certainly makes me crave periods of being left alone instead! And I'm really feeling the need for 'me' time lately for the first time since having N. I feel like I'm losing my sense of self and find it hard to be heard in the company of people who are so addicted to N. D mentioned that he feels that our relationship has changed. He says not in a good or a bad way, just that it's different as we have less time for each other. He mentioned that he missed back rubs and stuff. It made me feel bad that I'm neglecting him but I don't feel like I have much left to give to anyone. D was annoyed recently about the laundry not being done one weekend which sparked a row. He wants to have a day where he can spend time with N and not have to think about anything else, which I understand, but as far as I'm concerned that's a luxury. I find it hard to balance spending quality, happy time with N as well as getting domestic stuff done. Sometimes it's just not possible to do it and watch N too. I do actually have a mental list of shit that I can get done when he is watching N on a Sunday so that he can relax and doesn't have to worry about it. Including the fucking laundry. I really resented him getting shitty. I was so angry. I felt like my boss had expressed disappointment in my work. What am I, a fifties housewife? He'll understand better when I go back to work in December and he's taking care of her on his own! Despite the tough stuff, N is blossoming into a truly wonderful little girl. She's so lovely and so much fun. Each stage of her development still gets better and better. We still regularly look at each other in disbelief that we have this amazing child.

5 months old

At 21 weeks, N is 26.5 inches and 17lb 1 oz. I've heard of the time between 3 and 6 months as being the golden months and I can understand that. N is a proper baby now in all her cuddly cuteness and she is showing personality and is a lot of fun. But as she still isn't mobile she is still fairly easy to care for! We love her more every day :) She is getting much more capable of moving how she wants to, turning to look at things, reaching for things when she's on her tummy. She is pushing up a bit more when she's on her belly and showing signs of trying to roll over occasionally. She has very strong abs and loves to crunch them to look at her feet with her legs stretched out. She is making new noises all the time and loves to babble away to herself. N is learning about the world with her mouth and her little lizard tongue keeps popping out in search of new things :) Her wrists and thighs are very cutely chubby. More hair is coming through with glimmers of blonde. She got her first cold :( It was heartbreaking to see her pale, watery-eyed face. She woke quite a lot in the night, struggling to breath. I also got the cold so it's been a slightly tougher couple of weeks for us both and I've been the most sleep deprived to date. On the plus side, D has been off work for Easter so that's been a big help and enabled a few naps! I feel like I'm really understanding N's needs more now and anticipating them more. My instincts about what is going on with her have proven to be right which increases my confidence to trust them and ignore suggestions from other people :) Her swimming lessons are going well and she had her first free underwater swim last week which was great to watch through my goggles. N has started to use her door bouncer which she seems to be having fun with even though she looks slightly surprised at her freedom in it and I find it really odd to see her standing in it without our help! Her nick name is firmly The Bean or Beaner, from me calling her N-bean from the early days. She is really enjoyable company and we're good buddies now :) I didn't ever have an immediate, overwhelming bond with her which worried me in the beginning. Our bond has definitely been developing gradually and I prefer it that way now as I feel it's based on our time together and the trust that has developed rather than a chemical or hormonal reaction. I've wanted to wait until 6 months to give N any solid food but D is very keen and keeps putting naughty food on her lips (butter, cream, jam, chocolate). So I relented to gain some control and gave her a first stick of cucumber to chew on! I'm a little torn as the advice is to wait until 6 months to avoid infections and allergies but N appears to ready to get started. She is watching us eat all the time and I think she's almost strong enough to sit up and eat now. My reasons for not starting might also be wrapped up in not wanting her to grow up too quickly! I'm gathering all my notes about weaning and will buy a few things that we need in the next week or so. Maybe we'll make a start with some baby rice in a couple of weeks. I'm noticing some slight changes in myself which I think are hormonal, mainly that the benefits to my hair are disappearing! All through my pregnancy and during the early months with N my hair has been full and glossy and hanging beautifully and I've only needed to wash it every few days. But now it's starting to fall out, it's hanging limply and my greasy roots have made a return requiring more regular washing. Meh! My pelvic floor seems to be improving. I work on the exercises when I'm lying in N's crib at night feeding her to sleep. However, if I try and do a little jump it feels a bit like a trampoline! D and I still haven't attempted sex again (due to time more than anything, N isn't great at naps!) but I feel like I might be more ready for it physically now. I've emailed my boss about my return to work. I'm going to take the full year off and I've asked to return part-time. I've also been accruing annual leave while I'm off and so I can add this the my maternity leave. This will enable me to stay off until early December. I feel extremely lucky to be able to take so much time with N while she is little, but I'm also dreading the return to work when it does come around. N will be with my Mum for the three days per week that I'll be at work and I'm sure I'm going to be jealous of their time together. My Mum was at home with my sister and I when we were small and I feel like it should be my turn now rather than her turn again! But needs must.

Three months old

N will be three months old tomorrow! Wow. She seems to have really come alive this month, particularly in the last couple of weeks. She responds to our voices much more now, she has spotted the TV and can't keep her eyes off it, she's smiling a lot and makes lots of expressions. She is getting more coordinated with her hands and is purposefully reaching out for things. She spends quite a lot of time studying her hands which I love to watch. She's also just starting to notice her legs and feet. She's getting much more vocal - really shouting out at times! Her hair is getting slightly thicker. I don't think her eye colour has changed at all this month, it's still blue/grey. She has had a few firsts this month. She had her first swim at the local pool which she loved and we also took her to a taster session for baby swimming lessons. She loved that even more so we've signed her up for the course! She also had her first trip to the cinema! One of our local theatres does a mother and baby screening once a month. N fed and slept through the whole thing and the other babies were pretty relaxed too so it worked well. We're going again next week with D. She also had her first set of jabs this month. I'd always heard of Mums being upset when their kids get their jabs but I thought I would be fine with it. We all get jabs after all. What's the big deal? The nurse asked me if I was OK beforehand and I was fine. Nia took her Rotovirus oral vaccine and she smiled from the sweetness. And then she got the first jab in the leg. Her reaction really floored me. I hadn't seen her cry out in pain before and it was rough! I had tears in my eyes and tried to hold it together while they did the second jab. Poor baby. I really felt like I'd given her into a false sense of security. I took her outside to feed straight away and she fed and quickly went to sleep :( She had REALLY bad wind for a while that night and was crying in pain again. Horrible to see. I think it must have been the Rotovirus vaccine. Not looking forward to the next round now... At 10 weeks she weighed 13lbs and was 24.5 inches. At 11.5 weeks she was 13lb 9oz. So she is between the 50th and 75th percentile - a very healthy weight! She likes to spread out in bed and so the moses basket just wasn't working anymore. It's too cramped and noisy and I couldn't settle her in it if she woke in the night. So we moved her cotbed into our room and she's now sleeping very comfortably. She generally sleeps from around 11:30-12pm until 7-7:30am, which is great! I'm working on getting her to bed a little bit earlier now. I'm feeling quite guilty about the lack of attention that our two cats are getting. Basically they are get next to none! And the weather has been really wet so they are getting frustrated being indoors all the time too. They tend to feel like more of an annoyance than anything else now which I feel bad about. I also feel guilty whenever I'm doing anything for myself rather than something for N. I've got to get over that as I don't give myself a great deal of time. I seem to be healing well now and things seem to be getting back to normal. I have an appointment with the consultant at the hospital this week and I'll be asking him about a few things. Since I've been sewn up I have a skin tag and I don't know why it's there and if I'm stuck with it. It's a bit annoying but I guess I can live with it. I've also had really bad, noisy and sometimes very smelly gas lately! It happens completely unexpectedly and embarrassingly sometimes. I've read online that it's normal and gets better but I need to ask about it as it is a concern...! Also, D and I have attempted sex a couple of times and although we made better progress the second time, it feels very tight in there and we couldn't do it properly. Afterwards I felt like a virgin who had lost her virginity at an orgy - very sore! I'm very happy with how my body has sprung back to my original size (actually slightly smaller). I assume this is partly because I didn't put on a great deal of extra weight and also because I'm breastfeeding. But I need to keep an eye on it as I'm eating obscene amounts of cookies and cake. I won't be breastfeeding forever after all. We started a short course of baby massage lessons this month which N seems to enjoy. She certainly sleeps well afterwards. I also took her to a baby sensory class taster but I don't think we'll go again as it was a bit of a glorified play group. I'm really feeling the time running away - I'm a third of the way through my maternity leave already... :( I want to literally inhale N and really feel every moment with her to be savoured forever. I really don't like the idea of going back to work and leaving N with anyone, even if it is my Mum. I feel it's my job to take care of her. There are some work opportunities for D which might help us to accomplish this - we'll see how they pan out over the next few months.

Two more days...

...of work that is. I'm so ready to finish! I'm handing over my work to the person covering my maternity leave this week and I'm getting in a panic as we are clearly not going to have time to cover everything. But why do I care? Next week I won't be giving it a second thought. Can't wait to be focusing all my attention on our little one instead. I really hope she stays put for a couple more weeks at least so that I can finish up the things that I want to do at home and rest a little bit. I saw the midwife for our 36 week check on Tuesday. All is well. Growth is good, heartbeat is good, my blood pressure is still low. My platelets have gone up so the low risk birth unit should still be an option for us. And we had our last scan today. Again, all is looking great. Her head is down and she's getting nice and low. We got a nice pic of her - she's definitely got D's nose! I'm not sleeping well - as is the norm these days. Recently I've been waking up with an achey back and having to do yoga stretches on the bed in the early hours to be able to get back to sleep! I certainly seem to be very well used to having broken sleep now and I feel OK for it most of the time. But I know it's nothing compared to what I'll be experiencing soon! My bump seems to be significantly bigger lately. If I catch sight of my reflection I barely recognise myself. My work colleagues threw a little surprise baby shower for me when I got back from the scan. Tea and cake and gifts, bunting and balloons. So sweet of them. They are great colleagues. They've been so supportive through all of the fertility treatment and so excited for us through the pregnancy :) One of the girls from the NCT group gave birth today. A gorgeous little boy. Another of the girls has been induced today so we're waiting for more news from her. Seeing things happening for them makes it all feel very close indeed now! So exciting. So terrifying. So amazing!

Chillin

Feeling a lot more relaxed... My cold is clearing and helping me think more clearly, I had a productive weekend getting things ready for the baby, I've made good progress with tying things up at work, I made contact with the friend who didn't come to the baby shower and we're making plans to catch up soon. Things are just generally a little calmer. My last set of blood results came back and my platelets have gone up again so giving birth in the midwife-led unit is still an option, and my iron levels are still borderline but my doctor isn't planning to do anything about it. Although he does want me to have some more blood tests: B12, folate and something else. I have a midwife appointment next Tuesday, our final growth scan on Wednesday and then I finish work on Friday! All being well, I'll be able to spend some time with my feet up as well as ticking a few things off my list such as stocking the freezer and cleaning the house! Looking forward to the weeks ahead! The baby had a crazy day yesterday. She wiggled and squirmed all day long, it was nuts. I think she may have shifted position slightly. I think she is still head down (hopefully) but maybe every so slightly lower?

Stress...

I've been feeling a bit stressed this last week. There seems to be a lot going on and time seems to be fast running out. Work is extremely busy - lots of balls in the air. I only have one more week left and then a week to handover to the person covering my post. D and I are making plans for his birthday in December. It's a big birthday but we're trying to keep it fairly low key as we know we'll be busy with the baby, but even still there is quite a bit to plan. There are still things to do to get ready for the baby - I'm very conscious that our hospital bags still aren't completely ready. If the baby decides to come early I want to feel (almost) as prepared as I would be otherwise. And my head is full of information from the antenatal classes and the books that I've been reading. My diary for October while I'm on maternity leave is fast filling up with friends birthday parties, colleagues leaving dos and last minute lunches with friends. And I have a long list of stuff to do while I'm off work before the baby comes. Just generally feeling a bit overwhelmed... I need to chill out, not worry about getting absolutely everything done and turn down invites if I need to.