One month old

N was one month old last Friday. In fact she'll be five weeks old tomorrow. D has been off work for Christmas for a little over a week now and we're working well as a team to take care of her. Letting each other nap and get things done when we need to and when there is an opportunity. N and I made it to the health visitor appointment on time for her weigh in. The health visitor is lovely but I did feel like I was being watched like a hawk as I undressed her and dressed her. It was boiling hot in the clinic room and I'd dressed her in a fiddly outfit so I was feeling stressed about it! I'll definitely be picking out the easiest baby-gro for the next appointment! N is still very calm and relaxed. She's a little gem :) Very soft and kissable and described by everyone as 'just perfect'. Her eyes were dark blue when she was born but they are gradually getting lighter now. I think they'll be a grey/blue colour eventually like her Dad's. Her hair is getting a little bit longer in the back and looks like D's when it's wet, indicating that she might have some curls :) Her face has already changed a lot and her cheeks are filling out like mine did when I was a baby! She's getting more alert and needing more stimulation. She loves taking in the world around her. She's continuing to grow out of her newborn clothes but she's still too tiny for the next size up (0-3 months)! People comment on how tiny they think she is but she is growing at around the 50th percentile so she's a good size for her age. She weighed 8lb 11oz at 3 weeks. She does seem to have a smaller head than other babies her age so maybe that's why she appears small. Her neck and legs and grip are already getting stronger. We think we've seen her first proper smiles! The first one was for Daddy, which I admit I was a little jealous about, but I've seen a few myself too :) You can see the smile in her eyes which makes it seem more genuine. They do seem to come more regularly after a feed though so maybe I'm kidding myself and it's just wind! Daddy calls her "squeaps" because she makes a lot of little squeaky noises. I call her Nia-bean and Nia-bug. We tried out a quilted sleep suit on her last week and for the first two nights of wearing it she slept through the night! The first night she slept from 12:30-6:30am and the second night she slept from 11:30-7am. Amazing! We couldn't believe it. It didn't last though, she has been up around 3-4am each night since then. Maybe it was a growth spurt. A friend of mine who has two little ones was stunned as her youngest (9 months) hasn't slept through the night yet. I felt a bit bad telling her!! We've been overwhelmed with gifts and cards and have had regular, but not too frequent, visitors. Oddly we have had very few cards and gifts from our immediate family. Siblings in particular. We're not really bothered as N has so much but to not even get a card is a little weird... I went to a baby resuscitation class at the local children's centre last week which also covered what to do in case of choking. It gave me confidence that I could do my best to take care of N if something like that happened. A scary thought though. We've been preparing for Christmas and putting up the tree was pretty emotional. We have an ornament that my mother-in-law gave us for our first married Christmas which was 16 years ago! Looking at it together and thinking about our journey to N's first Christmas with us got us both welling up. D put it very well - "I didn't realise she was missing until she was here". Physically I'm feeling a LOT better all of a sudden. I definitely feel like I'm healing and that I have bowel control again now which is great! I really hoped to have got this far before Christmas. I had visions of myself still wearing incontinence pants on Christmas Day :( My perineum is still a little swollen and if I think about sex it makes me nervous. I've heard that it can be painful for quite a long time following an episiotomy. I've told D and he is incredibly supportive. He doesn't want to rush me at all. We'll take it slow. I guess the key is not being nervous! We have both been calm about becoming parents and lots of people have commented that our calmness must be rubbing off on N. Calm parents, calm baby. Emotionally, I do feel slightly up and down. Sometimes I don't really feel a bond and feel like I'm not doing enough to bond with her and help her development due to the cycle of feeding, changing, housework. At other times, I'm bursting with love. I've also been adjusting to the change in the dynamic of our little family. I used to be D's favourite girl. Now there are two of us. I know there is still room for me but it's an adjustment. I told D and he was understanding and I've noticed him giving me a little more affection since which has helped :) I've breastfed in public a couple of times now. The first time I was with the antenatal group so we were all at it and in a very baby friendly cafe. I was also dressed appropriately for it. The second and third times as I feeding alone and wearing slightly less modest clothing so found myself feeling more uncomfortable and being worried about exposing myself and getting negative reactions. I managed though! D's mother-in-law is arriving from overseas tomorrow. It'll be great to have her with us until Boxing Day. She is so excited to meet N and I know that she won't interfere with our care of her in any way. I have a great relationship with her. A friend who is going through IVF has just had another failed attempt. I feel awful for her, approaching Christmas in that situation. She had two miscarriages previously, both leading up to Christmas. For me, now being part of a process which is so normal and easy for most people, it's almost hard to remember the struggle that we've had getting here. But I must always remember and not take any of it for granted for a second.

Birth Story

I gave birth to our little angel at 3:34am on Wednesday 13th November 2013. I was 41 weeks + 3 days. My midwife had attempted two stretch and sweeps; one on Friday 8th and another on Tuesday 12th, but on both occasions my cervix had been too posterior to carry it out. The midwife felt that it was therefore unlikely that I would go into labour on my own before 42 weeks and I was booked in for induction on Friday 15th November. I was feeling really uncomfortable with the idea of induction. I desperately wanted the baby to come when she was ready but I felt that I should go ahead with the induction rather than take any risks. Not that I needed to worry! First thing on Tuesday 12th I had some mild period like pains and thought I had a bit of a show. However as it was just a little blood rather than mucus the midwife felt that it probably wasn't actually a show and asked me to call the labour ward if the bleeding increased at all. After the stretch and sweep attempt that morning I went for a reasonably long walk along the river in the autumn sunshine to try and encourage the baby downwards. When I got home I felt pretty exhausted and spent the rest of the afternoon on the couch napping and generally not feeling quite right. The period pains had continued and I generally felt a bit 'off'. Around 4pm, my husband phoned to say that he was on his way home and I expected him to be back by around 5:15. Then at 5pm, I started getting what felt like gas pains. Except that they seemed to be happening quite regularly! I timed them for a while and they were happening every 2-4 minutes. I thought 'I can't phone the birth centre with gas pains!' and so just sat it out for a bit longer. By 5:30, I phoned my husband and asked him where he was and that I thought maybe things were starting to happen. He calmly said he'd be home within 15 minutes and I then phoned the birth centre. They suggested that I get in the bath and that if it was false labour the pains would probably stop but that if I was still getting them at the same regularity in an hours time that I should call and tell them that we were coming in. With that, D arrived home and ran me a bath. I was in the bath for about an hour and the pains continued. D thought that although the pains weren't getting closer together they appeared to be getting a bit stronger but I wasn't entirely sure and asked him to make the call as to whether it was time to go. He felt it was better to be safe than sorry so he phoned the hospital and off we went. In retrospect, I don't know why I was so doubtful about it being actual labour. Looking back it was pretty obvious. I have a vague memory of an uncomfortable drive to the hospital, having contractions at the security desk and collapsing down into a forward leaning position over a chair in the birthing room. I was examined within an hour of arrival and I was about 4cm dilated. I was then allowed in the birthing pool and think I spent the majority of the labour in there. My memories of my labour include: My midwife really enjoying my playlist and singing along to it, but not really noticing the music much myself (I remember the noise of sucking on the gas and air much more clearly); Feeling urges to bear down with most of my contractions from fairly early on; Being extremely unhappy when I was asked to change position or get out of the pool to be examined; Swearing at D when he kept telling me to relax fully between contractions - "What do you think I'm doing, the f**king Macarena?"; Being regularly encouraged to nibble on flapjack and sip water between contractions by my excellent birth partner husband. He really was amazing and provided all the support I needed from start to finish; Asking what my pain relief options were at about the half way point, being told I could have diamorphine and then forgetting all about it my request with the next contraction; Being repeatedly told by the midwife that I was pushing in the wrong place and strongly disagreeing with her; Pushing for a very long time (2.5 hours) and being told that the baby was stuck on a ridge on my perineum. The midwife suggested lots of different pushing positions to try and get the baby out. I was in various positions on the bed and also on the birthing stool; The gas and air being taken off me towards the end to help me focus on pushing in the right place; Hearing the animalistic, guttural noises coming out of my mouth with each contraction and it feeling like I was listening to someone else; Finally giving birth lying on my side on the bed with D holding my leg up, and with the help of an episiotomy; Hearing D's yelps of excitement telling me that the baby's head was out but being too scared to look myself; Feeling the warm rush of fluid as the baby came out and hearing her cry; Being passed our beautiful baby girl and enjoying the first feed with her. Unfortunately the first wonderful moments with the baby were interrupted by problems with the third stage. I had planned for a physiological third stage but was so exhausted that I asked if I should have the injection. The midwife told me that the episiotomy had torn (third degree) and I had quite a lot of bleeding so she would need to give the injection to speed things up. Unfortunately despite the midwives best efforts the placenta and membranes wouldn't budge and I was told that I would need to go into theatre to have them removed and to be stitched. I was feeling really nauseous at this point too, perhaps from the injection, empty stomach, shock? All of our things and our new bundle of love were gathered together and wheeled off to the labour ward where I met with the anaesthetist and was prepared for theatre. D looked after the baby beautifully, getting her dressed and walking her around and talking to her. He was left with her while I was in theatre and he confessed afterwards that he was terrified of something happening to me. One of the theatre assistants popped in to see him at one point to let him know that I was fine which he really appreciated. So after making it through labour with only gas and air, I was then given a spinal block for the surgery. The theatre staff were really great and chatted kindly to me the whole time. It was very surreal watching my legs being lifted in front of me when my brain could very clearly still feel them lying on the bed! My nausea continued through the surgery and I was given a couple of different anti-nausea drugs. I was wheeled back to the labour ward afterwards where the nausea continued and I was violently shaking. I was desperate to start feeling better at this point! Our baby was passed to me for another feed and the skin to skin contact definitely started to make me feel better. The shaking and nausea finally started to subside. I was given a bed bath which was very welcome and left to rest for a little while. At some point, maybe around 7am?, we were moved again to the post natal ward. It took a few hours for my legs to come back to life and then the discomfort of the surgery started to set in. I was given morphine for the pain which really helped keep me comfortable but the main problem was trying to sit to eat and feed the baby. I was absolutely horrified by the swelling and the complete lack of distinction between my parts 'down there'! I really hadn't been prepared for it at all. I knew that there was something that I hadn't been warned about! Since the birth, I've had many knowing looks from other mothers and comments like "now you understand"! I was in hospital for another night during which I had some lovely bonding moments with beautiful girl while I had her all to myself. We all happily left for home the following afternoon. My recovery at home has been slower than I would have liked. It's taken a good couple of weeks for the swelling to reduce to a level where I can sit on the sofa without any additional cushions. I've also been suffering from some feacal incontinence which was compounded by diarrhoea from a sickness bug that D and I picked up during the first week (thankfully the baby didn't). The incontinence has been really distressing and I'm still very concerned about how long it will last and if it will get better. I'm hoping for a referral to the hospital about it very soon. The physical recovery has been an unwelcome distraction from caring for the baby. I've been feeling pretty sorry for myself at times and hating the limitations in being able to do some basic things for the baby. D has been on paternity leave and I don't know how I would have coped without him being at home with us. N is now 13 days old and D will be going back to work in two days and I know that I'll be finding a new 'routine' with N all over again with it being just me! We're finding our way every day and doing the best that we can. And loving every minute :)