One month old

N was one month old last Friday. In fact she'll be five weeks old tomorrow. D has been off work for Christmas for a little over a week now and we're working well as a team to take care of her. Letting each other nap and get things done when we need to and when there is an opportunity. N and I made it to the health visitor appointment on time for her weigh in. The health visitor is lovely but I did feel like I was being watched like a hawk as I undressed her and dressed her. It was boiling hot in the clinic room and I'd dressed her in a fiddly outfit so I was feeling stressed about it! I'll definitely be picking out the easiest baby-gro for the next appointment! N is still very calm and relaxed. She's a little gem :) Very soft and kissable and described by everyone as 'just perfect'. Her eyes were dark blue when she was born but they are gradually getting lighter now. I think they'll be a grey/blue colour eventually like her Dad's. Her hair is getting a little bit longer in the back and looks like D's when it's wet, indicating that she might have some curls :) Her face has already changed a lot and her cheeks are filling out like mine did when I was a baby! She's getting more alert and needing more stimulation. She loves taking in the world around her. She's continuing to grow out of her newborn clothes but she's still too tiny for the next size up (0-3 months)! People comment on how tiny they think she is but she is growing at around the 50th percentile so she's a good size for her age. She weighed 8lb 11oz at 3 weeks. She does seem to have a smaller head than other babies her age so maybe that's why she appears small. Her neck and legs and grip are already getting stronger. We think we've seen her first proper smiles! The first one was for Daddy, which I admit I was a little jealous about, but I've seen a few myself too :) You can see the smile in her eyes which makes it seem more genuine. They do seem to come more regularly after a feed though so maybe I'm kidding myself and it's just wind! Daddy calls her "squeaps" because she makes a lot of little squeaky noises. I call her Nia-bean and Nia-bug. We tried out a quilted sleep suit on her last week and for the first two nights of wearing it she slept through the night! The first night she slept from 12:30-6:30am and the second night she slept from 11:30-7am. Amazing! We couldn't believe it. It didn't last though, she has been up around 3-4am each night since then. Maybe it was a growth spurt. A friend of mine who has two little ones was stunned as her youngest (9 months) hasn't slept through the night yet. I felt a bit bad telling her!! We've been overwhelmed with gifts and cards and have had regular, but not too frequent, visitors. Oddly we have had very few cards and gifts from our immediate family. Siblings in particular. We're not really bothered as N has so much but to not even get a card is a little weird... I went to a baby resuscitation class at the local children's centre last week which also covered what to do in case of choking. It gave me confidence that I could do my best to take care of N if something like that happened. A scary thought though. We've been preparing for Christmas and putting up the tree was pretty emotional. We have an ornament that my mother-in-law gave us for our first married Christmas which was 16 years ago! Looking at it together and thinking about our journey to N's first Christmas with us got us both welling up. D put it very well - "I didn't realise she was missing until she was here". Physically I'm feeling a LOT better all of a sudden. I definitely feel like I'm healing and that I have bowel control again now which is great! I really hoped to have got this far before Christmas. I had visions of myself still wearing incontinence pants on Christmas Day :( My perineum is still a little swollen and if I think about sex it makes me nervous. I've heard that it can be painful for quite a long time following an episiotomy. I've told D and he is incredibly supportive. He doesn't want to rush me at all. We'll take it slow. I guess the key is not being nervous! We have both been calm about becoming parents and lots of people have commented that our calmness must be rubbing off on N. Calm parents, calm baby. Emotionally, I do feel slightly up and down. Sometimes I don't really feel a bond and feel like I'm not doing enough to bond with her and help her development due to the cycle of feeding, changing, housework. At other times, I'm bursting with love. I've also been adjusting to the change in the dynamic of our little family. I used to be D's favourite girl. Now there are two of us. I know there is still room for me but it's an adjustment. I told D and he was understanding and I've noticed him giving me a little more affection since which has helped :) I've breastfed in public a couple of times now. The first time I was with the antenatal group so we were all at it and in a very baby friendly cafe. I was also dressed appropriately for it. The second and third times as I feeding alone and wearing slightly less modest clothing so found myself feeling more uncomfortable and being worried about exposing myself and getting negative reactions. I managed though! D's mother-in-law is arriving from overseas tomorrow. It'll be great to have her with us until Boxing Day. She is so excited to meet N and I know that she won't interfere with our care of her in any way. I have a great relationship with her. A friend who is going through IVF has just had another failed attempt. I feel awful for her, approaching Christmas in that situation. She had two miscarriages previously, both leading up to Christmas. For me, now being part of a process which is so normal and easy for most people, it's almost hard to remember the struggle that we've had getting here. But I must always remember and not take any of it for granted for a second.

Waiting...

So another week of maternity leave has flown by! I met three of the girls from my NCT group on Monday. One of them has had her baby and she talked incessantly about the birth and the early weeks. She just doesn't stop talking generally and her anxiety about adjusting to being a Mum was obvious. After an hour and a half of listening to her I was utterly exhausted and had to make my excuses! On Tuesday morning the health visitor came to see me. She turned up two hours earlier than expected and I was still in my pyjamas, but I figured that the next time she comes to see me I'll probably still be in my pyjamas anyway! D is a little anti-health visitors and I must admit that I felt her questionning about our lives and medical history was a little intrusive. But I believe that they have our best interests at heart and this particular health visitor does seem very lovely and supportive and that's how I have to view the visits. I saw the midwife for my 38 week visit in the afternoon and that went smoothly. All is still fine. My blood pressure has risen very slightly but it's still low, the babies heart rate is still good and her growth is still on track so no concerns. On Wednesday I went to see an old work colleague for coffee and on Friday met a couple of old work colleagues for lunch. In between I've been carrying on the list of cleaning, minor DIY and napping! D has been on half term break since Thursday and so we've been getting some practical things done together (taking stuff to the tip, figuring out the car seat, shopping, etc). For the last few days I've been feeling pretty low and grumpy. I just put it down to hormones but when it wasn't going away I started getting worried that this was the start of some kind of pre/post natal depression. Everyone has been saying 'oh, you must be so excited' but I've just been feeling a bit flat and anxious and overwhelmed. I was beginning to get a bit worried about not feeling how I should when the baby arrives. Anyway, I had a chat with D about it and he asked his sister if she had felt the same. She was very supportive and reassured me that I'll snap out of it and it's all to be expected. I feel a lot better today! :) We're about to go to the cinema - this could well be the last visit for a while!!

Countdown time

I've been on maternity leave for a full week now and it's been a pretty surreal time. It's starting to dawn on me that I'm now off work for a whole year and the reason is because a baby is going to arrive in our lives within a matter of weeks! It took a few days to wind down from work and I actually woke up at 3:30am on Monday! I've been trying to get the balance right between ticking things off my 'to do' list and getting some rest. Other than the usual back pain waking me in the night, I'm starting to sleep a bit better and for longer. But I'm getting tired a lot more quickly so bouts of cleaning don't last that long! I've been meeting with friends most days and some of them have kids so there has been lots of pregnancy and kid talk. I must admit that I'm concerned about my life becoming all about kids and being in the company of people who are happy for that to be the sole topic of conversation. Who knows, maybe I'll feel differently once we have our own child, but so far throughout the pregnancy I've become easily bored when people assume that it's what I want to talk about all the time! I had to have some more blood taken this week to check my iron levels and they have decided that I need an iron supplement. I'm not sure that I should be taking my magnesium supplement alongside it as apparently magnesium effects iron absorption. But I need the magnesium for my back and don't want to stop taking it. My iron levels are only borderline anyway so I'm not too concerned. So I've been doing some cleaning and getting on top of some other things (birthday cards and gifts, finances, shopping, plans for D's birthday party in December). I'm very conscious though that other things will follow behind that need to be done (ie, more cleaning, more shopping) and that there is only so much that I can do to get ready! I double checked my hospital bag last night and other than throwing in a few last minute items I think I'm ready to go. In reality I don't think this baby is going to come early. I think she's more likely to be a bit late in which case we still have a couple of weeks to go. D will be on half-term break from the middle of next week until the due date so we should have the opportunity to relax together. I have plans to see some of the girls from our NCT group tomorrow and the health visitor is coming to see me on Tuesday to explain what will happen with their visits after the birth. I also have another midwife appointment and plans to meet a couple of friends this week, so plenty to keep me occupied.