Two months old

N is now nearly two months old - eight weeks today! Her skin is sooo soft and her hair is coming off at the back a little but leaving a cute thick row of hair left along the bottom of her head :) She looks just like I did as a baby! It's a little bit freaky looking at her sometimes and seeing baby photos of myself looking back at me! At five weeks she weighed 9lb 14oz and at 7 weeks she was 10lb 8oz and 23.5 inches! She is really getting big - I notice it most at night when I'm tired and need to pick her up! She has really full, chubby cheeks now and a double chin. She is still just so beautiful and we get lots of oohs and aahs from people when we take her out. She is really finding her voice and starting to coo and shout out. She loves stretching out her arms and legs and goes crazy on the changing mat. D's Mum arrived just before Christmas and we had a good visit with her. She has fallen head over heels with N and N really took to her too. D had got a smile from N before his Mum arrived but I hadn't had one and D was inpatient for more. Well, D's Mum got one immediately and kept getting them all the time. I have to be honest, I was gutted! It really hurt. But I finally got one too, after singing and playing with her. And D eventually got a few more so we felt better! I'm not naturally a clown around babies but I guess that's what they respond to. During all of D's Mum's visit I felt that she was watching and criticising my care of Nia. She didn't actually say anything to suggest that so I was probably being paranoid. She sent me a lovely text after she had left saying that she has no doubt that I will be and am a spectacular Mum which really reassured me. Little, tiny things that are said and comments that are made by my Mum and D's Mum sometimes make me feel that they are trying to influence the way I do things. I could be wrong and just reading too much into it. Over Christmas, N also met her uncle and aunt on D's side and her aunt on my side which lovely. Although my sister seems to be finding it a little hard adjusting to N being around. My sister is used to being the centre of attention - well, not any more! We're reading to N and showing her black and white books which really hold her attention. She got lots of toys for Christmas and we're introducing them to her although she's not quite ready to play with them yet. Although towards the end of this month she held and shook a rattle for the first time which was lovely :) She really likes music - she stops to listen and really responds to it. She often smiles when I whistle a tune to her which I LOVE! We were invited to a kid-friendly New Years Eve party which we went to. We were home around 10pm - how times have changed!! I've started to express breast milk so that D can give N a bottle occasionally. D has given her two bottles which she has taken very happily. Once when I went to meet a couple of friends for coffee and to pick up a few things. It was weird being away from her and after about 45 minutes I got increasingly anxious about her needing me for more milk. I rushed around like a maniac to get the shopping done! I guess I'll get used to it. I went into the office yesterday to show off N to my colleagues and took a bottle with me to avoid breastfeeding at work, but she didn't want to take it. I'm not sure if it was because it wasn't warm enough or if the teat was too slow or if it was just because it was me trying to give it. My Mum tried to give the same bottle later on and she was still a little fussy with it. Maybe because I was in the room, or maybe I need to try a different teat. I will persevere! It'll be good if I can feed her with a bottle occasionally if I'm going somewhere where breastfeeding will be awkward.

One month old

N was one month old last Friday. In fact she'll be five weeks old tomorrow. D has been off work for Christmas for a little over a week now and we're working well as a team to take care of her. Letting each other nap and get things done when we need to and when there is an opportunity. N and I made it to the health visitor appointment on time for her weigh in. The health visitor is lovely but I did feel like I was being watched like a hawk as I undressed her and dressed her. It was boiling hot in the clinic room and I'd dressed her in a fiddly outfit so I was feeling stressed about it! I'll definitely be picking out the easiest baby-gro for the next appointment! N is still very calm and relaxed. She's a little gem :) Very soft and kissable and described by everyone as 'just perfect'. Her eyes were dark blue when she was born but they are gradually getting lighter now. I think they'll be a grey/blue colour eventually like her Dad's. Her hair is getting a little bit longer in the back and looks like D's when it's wet, indicating that she might have some curls :) Her face has already changed a lot and her cheeks are filling out like mine did when I was a baby! She's getting more alert and needing more stimulation. She loves taking in the world around her. She's continuing to grow out of her newborn clothes but she's still too tiny for the next size up (0-3 months)! People comment on how tiny they think she is but she is growing at around the 50th percentile so she's a good size for her age. She weighed 8lb 11oz at 3 weeks. She does seem to have a smaller head than other babies her age so maybe that's why she appears small. Her neck and legs and grip are already getting stronger. We think we've seen her first proper smiles! The first one was for Daddy, which I admit I was a little jealous about, but I've seen a few myself too :) You can see the smile in her eyes which makes it seem more genuine. They do seem to come more regularly after a feed though so maybe I'm kidding myself and it's just wind! Daddy calls her "squeaps" because she makes a lot of little squeaky noises. I call her Nia-bean and Nia-bug. We tried out a quilted sleep suit on her last week and for the first two nights of wearing it she slept through the night! The first night she slept from 12:30-6:30am and the second night she slept from 11:30-7am. Amazing! We couldn't believe it. It didn't last though, she has been up around 3-4am each night since then. Maybe it was a growth spurt. A friend of mine who has two little ones was stunned as her youngest (9 months) hasn't slept through the night yet. I felt a bit bad telling her!! We've been overwhelmed with gifts and cards and have had regular, but not too frequent, visitors. Oddly we have had very few cards and gifts from our immediate family. Siblings in particular. We're not really bothered as N has so much but to not even get a card is a little weird... I went to a baby resuscitation class at the local children's centre last week which also covered what to do in case of choking. It gave me confidence that I could do my best to take care of N if something like that happened. A scary thought though. We've been preparing for Christmas and putting up the tree was pretty emotional. We have an ornament that my mother-in-law gave us for our first married Christmas which was 16 years ago! Looking at it together and thinking about our journey to N's first Christmas with us got us both welling up. D put it very well - "I didn't realise she was missing until she was here". Physically I'm feeling a LOT better all of a sudden. I definitely feel like I'm healing and that I have bowel control again now which is great! I really hoped to have got this far before Christmas. I had visions of myself still wearing incontinence pants on Christmas Day :( My perineum is still a little swollen and if I think about sex it makes me nervous. I've heard that it can be painful for quite a long time following an episiotomy. I've told D and he is incredibly supportive. He doesn't want to rush me at all. We'll take it slow. I guess the key is not being nervous! We have both been calm about becoming parents and lots of people have commented that our calmness must be rubbing off on N. Calm parents, calm baby. Emotionally, I do feel slightly up and down. Sometimes I don't really feel a bond and feel like I'm not doing enough to bond with her and help her development due to the cycle of feeding, changing, housework. At other times, I'm bursting with love. I've also been adjusting to the change in the dynamic of our little family. I used to be D's favourite girl. Now there are two of us. I know there is still room for me but it's an adjustment. I told D and he was understanding and I've noticed him giving me a little more affection since which has helped :) I've breastfed in public a couple of times now. The first time I was with the antenatal group so we were all at it and in a very baby friendly cafe. I was also dressed appropriately for it. The second and third times as I feeding alone and wearing slightly less modest clothing so found myself feeling more uncomfortable and being worried about exposing myself and getting negative reactions. I managed though! D's mother-in-law is arriving from overseas tomorrow. It'll be great to have her with us until Boxing Day. She is so excited to meet N and I know that she won't interfere with our care of her in any way. I have a great relationship with her. A friend who is going through IVF has just had another failed attempt. I feel awful for her, approaching Christmas in that situation. She had two miscarriages previously, both leading up to Christmas. For me, now being part of a process which is so normal and easy for most people, it's almost hard to remember the struggle that we've had getting here. But I must always remember and not take any of it for granted for a second.

The early days

N will be three weeks old tomorrow! Time is already flying by too quickly. She has already grown out of some of her newborn babygros. Her birth weight was 7lb 8ozs, 19.5 inches and she is now 8lb 5ozs and about 21.5 inches. I know I should be pleased that she is feeding and growing well but it makes me a bit sad. I don't want this precious time to disappear so quickly! She is an amazingly good baby. She is really chilled and only cries when she is hungry or needs changing. Oh, and when she's being changed - she doesn't like being stripped down! She is an incredibly beautiful baby. I know, we WOULD say that! But everyone says so :). She pulls lovely faces, pursing her beautiful lips and trying out her smile muscles. She sleeps pretty well, only waking once or twice each night. I love my time with her feeding at night, drinking her in in the silence. Her Dad is besotted with her and loves to spend time chatting with her and getting to know her. It's wonderful to look at him sometimes and see his daughter in his face. Her grandmother is also madly in love. And the other one is itching to get to England to meet her in a couple of weeks. We've got out and about a little bit for short walks, midwife appointments and shopping trips. N immediately falls asleep in her buggy or the sling which Dad loves to carry her in. We can't wait to start preparing for Christmas now that we have our little angel to share it with. Life has become very simple. Making sure that we're all healthy, clean, fed and sleeping are our priorities. Everything else is superfluous. I feel so privileged that my job is now caring for this little gem. I'm slowly healing and definitely feel like I'm getting back to my old self now. I'm now 2lbs lighter than my pre-pregnancy weight! Partly due to the stomach bug that I had in the first week, no doubt, and also due to muscle loss. My legs and ass are quite skinny, not filling my skinny jeans! Not sure when that happened! I know I was quite lazy in the latter half of the pregnancy and I guess have lost a lot of water weight. I'm definitely feeling a bit weak and out of shape. I'm finding myself munching on biscuits and chocolates a little too much so need to curb that habit! I'm not really ready to do any exercise other than light walking as I'm still recovering from the birth. My swelling has reduced considerably and sitting is a lot easier now. But I still have some continence issues which is frustrating and a little worrying. The midwife tried to refer me back to the doctor about it but he said that it's too soon and that I need more time to heal before they review me. So I have to wait for my appointment to come through which will be between 8 and 12 weeks post birth (mid jan-feb) which seems like a long way away. Hopefully I'll see some more improvement before then. Thankfully things aren't so bad that my social life is effected. I'm fairly confident that I can get out and about without any major accidents occurring! Fingers crossed anyway... We seem to be getting into a bit more of a routine every day and I'm managing to get us both washed, dressed and fed a bit faster each day. Which is good news as we have a 9am appointment with the health visitor on Friday! Hopefully we'll make it.

Birth Story

I gave birth to our little angel at 3:34am on Wednesday 13th November 2013. I was 41 weeks + 3 days. My midwife had attempted two stretch and sweeps; one on Friday 8th and another on Tuesday 12th, but on both occasions my cervix had been too posterior to carry it out. The midwife felt that it was therefore unlikely that I would go into labour on my own before 42 weeks and I was booked in for induction on Friday 15th November. I was feeling really uncomfortable with the idea of induction. I desperately wanted the baby to come when she was ready but I felt that I should go ahead with the induction rather than take any risks. Not that I needed to worry! First thing on Tuesday 12th I had some mild period like pains and thought I had a bit of a show. However as it was just a little blood rather than mucus the midwife felt that it probably wasn't actually a show and asked me to call the labour ward if the bleeding increased at all. After the stretch and sweep attempt that morning I went for a reasonably long walk along the river in the autumn sunshine to try and encourage the baby downwards. When I got home I felt pretty exhausted and spent the rest of the afternoon on the couch napping and generally not feeling quite right. The period pains had continued and I generally felt a bit 'off'. Around 4pm, my husband phoned to say that he was on his way home and I expected him to be back by around 5:15. Then at 5pm, I started getting what felt like gas pains. Except that they seemed to be happening quite regularly! I timed them for a while and they were happening every 2-4 minutes. I thought 'I can't phone the birth centre with gas pains!' and so just sat it out for a bit longer. By 5:30, I phoned my husband and asked him where he was and that I thought maybe things were starting to happen. He calmly said he'd be home within 15 minutes and I then phoned the birth centre. They suggested that I get in the bath and that if it was false labour the pains would probably stop but that if I was still getting them at the same regularity in an hours time that I should call and tell them that we were coming in. With that, D arrived home and ran me a bath. I was in the bath for about an hour and the pains continued. D thought that although the pains weren't getting closer together they appeared to be getting a bit stronger but I wasn't entirely sure and asked him to make the call as to whether it was time to go. He felt it was better to be safe than sorry so he phoned the hospital and off we went. In retrospect, I don't know why I was so doubtful about it being actual labour. Looking back it was pretty obvious. I have a vague memory of an uncomfortable drive to the hospital, having contractions at the security desk and collapsing down into a forward leaning position over a chair in the birthing room. I was examined within an hour of arrival and I was about 4cm dilated. I was then allowed in the birthing pool and think I spent the majority of the labour in there. My memories of my labour include: My midwife really enjoying my playlist and singing along to it, but not really noticing the music much myself (I remember the noise of sucking on the gas and air much more clearly); Feeling urges to bear down with most of my contractions from fairly early on; Being extremely unhappy when I was asked to change position or get out of the pool to be examined; Swearing at D when he kept telling me to relax fully between contractions - "What do you think I'm doing, the f**king Macarena?"; Being regularly encouraged to nibble on flapjack and sip water between contractions by my excellent birth partner husband. He really was amazing and provided all the support I needed from start to finish; Asking what my pain relief options were at about the half way point, being told I could have diamorphine and then forgetting all about it my request with the next contraction; Being repeatedly told by the midwife that I was pushing in the wrong place and strongly disagreeing with her; Pushing for a very long time (2.5 hours) and being told that the baby was stuck on a ridge on my perineum. The midwife suggested lots of different pushing positions to try and get the baby out. I was in various positions on the bed and also on the birthing stool; The gas and air being taken off me towards the end to help me focus on pushing in the right place; Hearing the animalistic, guttural noises coming out of my mouth with each contraction and it feeling like I was listening to someone else; Finally giving birth lying on my side on the bed with D holding my leg up, and with the help of an episiotomy; Hearing D's yelps of excitement telling me that the baby's head was out but being too scared to look myself; Feeling the warm rush of fluid as the baby came out and hearing her cry; Being passed our beautiful baby girl and enjoying the first feed with her. Unfortunately the first wonderful moments with the baby were interrupted by problems with the third stage. I had planned for a physiological third stage but was so exhausted that I asked if I should have the injection. The midwife told me that the episiotomy had torn (third degree) and I had quite a lot of bleeding so she would need to give the injection to speed things up. Unfortunately despite the midwives best efforts the placenta and membranes wouldn't budge and I was told that I would need to go into theatre to have them removed and to be stitched. I was feeling really nauseous at this point too, perhaps from the injection, empty stomach, shock? All of our things and our new bundle of love were gathered together and wheeled off to the labour ward where I met with the anaesthetist and was prepared for theatre. D looked after the baby beautifully, getting her dressed and walking her around and talking to her. He was left with her while I was in theatre and he confessed afterwards that he was terrified of something happening to me. One of the theatre assistants popped in to see him at one point to let him know that I was fine which he really appreciated. So after making it through labour with only gas and air, I was then given a spinal block for the surgery. The theatre staff were really great and chatted kindly to me the whole time. It was very surreal watching my legs being lifted in front of me when my brain could very clearly still feel them lying on the bed! My nausea continued through the surgery and I was given a couple of different anti-nausea drugs. I was wheeled back to the labour ward afterwards where the nausea continued and I was violently shaking. I was desperate to start feeling better at this point! Our baby was passed to me for another feed and the skin to skin contact definitely started to make me feel better. The shaking and nausea finally started to subside. I was given a bed bath which was very welcome and left to rest for a little while. At some point, maybe around 7am?, we were moved again to the post natal ward. It took a few hours for my legs to come back to life and then the discomfort of the surgery started to set in. I was given morphine for the pain which really helped keep me comfortable but the main problem was trying to sit to eat and feed the baby. I was absolutely horrified by the swelling and the complete lack of distinction between my parts 'down there'! I really hadn't been prepared for it at all. I knew that there was something that I hadn't been warned about! Since the birth, I've had many knowing looks from other mothers and comments like "now you understand"! I was in hospital for another night during which I had some lovely bonding moments with beautiful girl while I had her all to myself. We all happily left for home the following afternoon. My recovery at home has been slower than I would have liked. It's taken a good couple of weeks for the swelling to reduce to a level where I can sit on the sofa without any additional cushions. I've also been suffering from some feacal incontinence which was compounded by diarrhoea from a sickness bug that D and I picked up during the first week (thankfully the baby didn't). The incontinence has been really distressing and I'm still very concerned about how long it will last and if it will get better. I'm hoping for a referral to the hospital about it very soon. The physical recovery has been an unwelcome distraction from caring for the baby. I've been feeling pretty sorry for myself at times and hating the limitations in being able to do some basic things for the baby. D has been on paternity leave and I don't know how I would have coped without him being at home with us. N is now 13 days old and D will be going back to work in two days and I know that I'll be finding a new 'routine' with N all over again with it being just me! We're finding our way every day and doing the best that we can. And loving every minute :)

Realisations

On Wednesday, I baked a cake in the morning ready for a visit from a couple of work colleagues in the afternoon. It was good to see them and chat about a variety of different things that kept me distracted from the lack of movement! D and I went to a pub quiz with some friends on Tuesday night as well. Then on Thursday I met my Mum for lunch. I still haven't slept well the last couple of nights as my back pain has returned since the baby changed position. I wonder whether it's also because I haven't been taking the magnesium as I've almost run out and was hesitant to spend money on more at this late stage. But after three days of discomfort I'm going to pick up some more today. Even if it only works on a psychological level that's fine with me! Anways, the midwife came to the house this morning to do the stretch and sweep. She started off with the usual checks (blood pressure, checking the heart beat) and all is fine there. My sister-in-law described the stretch and sweep as an 'aggressive pelvic examination'. Well, it certainly felt quite aggressive! She didn't use a speculum so was rummaging around deeply to find the cervix. I couldn't help putting up some resistance and did some deep breathing. I felt quite embarrassed that I had needed to do that when she stopped and told me that my cervix is still very posterior and she couldn't reach it! So there was no chance of a sweep today or to finding out if I'm dilated at all. She said that there isn't any point in trying again on Sunday and suggested that we give it another go on Tuesday and see where things are then. She also said that she will book me in for induction the following Friday in case nothing happens between now and then. Although it was reassuring to know that things aren't happening because the baby is clearly not close to being ready yet, I felt really disappointed and frustrated and a bit weepy again. I think is was the idea of actually being booked for an induction already. D asked me why that bothered me so much and I guess it's because, knowing our family history, I really don't want to rush her out if she's not ready and I'm a little scared of the contractions being more painful following an induction and the increased likelihood of further interventions being needed. I've spent the rest of this morning reading about other people's experiences of induction in online forums - probably not the most sensible idea given how people love to talk about their horror stories! - but it did reassure me in that everyone's experience was so different but they all said that ultimately their memories of the birth of their child are still positive because they had a healthy baby, and after the birth that's all they were focussed on. There were some sad stories of women who hadn't been induced who then went on to lose their babies. I also re-read my birth plan, which already seems ridiculously optimistic and idealistic(!) and realised that if it all goes tits up and I don't have anything close to the experience that I was hoping for, that it doesn't matter as long as the baby arrives safely. I accept that I need to take the advice of the professionals and that although being induced at 40 + 12 days may feel like I'm being put on a conveyor belt, that actually there are good reasons for hospital procedures being what they are to ensure the well-being of me and the baby. As our NCT tutor had said, we are living in the best period in history for maternity care and in one of the best countries for maternity care and so I feel more relaxed now that I will get good care and that I need to accept advice given to me (unless I feel very strongly otherwise!). One of the other NCT girls was also booked in for a sweep this morning, but I've just had a message from her that she has had to go into hospital as her blood pressure has gone up and she has protein in her wee so they have concerns about pre-eclampsia. We have a very healthy, active baby and I am also in good health, so I really don't have anything to be unhappy about! I need to enjoy these last days of freedom and relaxation for however long they decide to last...

Bloomin' hormones

On Monday night, I really didn't sleep well as the baby was moving A LOT! And on Tueday morning I was pretty sure that she had changed position. She was lying on my right side, back to front, and I was pretty sure that she had moved over to my left side, still back to front. Which is great, as this is the optimal position for labout. I saw the midwife yesterday and she confirmed this position and did the usual checks and everything is fine. She also offered to do a stretch and sweep that day (or Friday or Sunday) if I wanted one. I surprised myself and agreed to have one on Friday. I have always said that I would want to wait until 41 weeks before having any intervention at all, but the midwife said that the sweep usually doesn't work on the first occasion and that it is suggested that you have it done a few times before trying anything else. So I want to give myself plenty of time to do that before having any drugs administered as I really want to avoid that if possible. They will want to start looking at other options when I'm 12 days overdue (next Friday) so by having the first sweep on Friday I have another 5-6 days to keep trying the sweep method a few times. Although I'm quite happy with my decision today, I came home from the midwife yesterday feeling a bit wobbly about it all and asking myself if I'm jumping in too soon by going against my original decision. I came home and tried to relax with my hypno-birthing CD but had trouble focussing on it. Just as it ended, and I was coming around a bit, my Mum knocked on the door and peered through the blinds. Now, I know people feel differently about this but I personally think that popping in unannounced is really rude! I answered the door in a daze and she apologised for waking me up. I told her that she hadn't woken me up but that if had have done I would not have been happy! I'm generally very polite to my Mum and wouldn't want to hurt her feelings and so she looked a little shocked. She came in and asked how it had gone with the midwife. I felt very foggy headed and dozy and had trouble trying to explain what I had decided. She must have got the message that it was a bad time as she didn't stay long and let herself out. I'm worried that I'll need to set some ground rules now that I'm at home every day. If D was home with me, I'm sure she wouldn't just pop in like that. She usually always calls ahead. When the baby arrives, I definitely want to try and rest and nap when she does and I really don't want unexpected visits to become the norm...*sigh* I was furious with her when she left, I think just because it added to my sense of being out of control of things generally. When it came to explaining what had happened with the midwife to D, I had the same problem explaining my decision and kept losing my train of thought and as the evening rolled on I felt more and more wobbly and a bit weepy. D was great and was really supportive and understanding. But I hate losing control of my emotions. I know that I like to feel in control but I didn't realise quite how important it was to me until this week. I've just been messaging one of the other NCT girls who is also slightly overdue now and she said that it's bothering her more than she thought it would as well. For me, I feel that the way my labour goes is already starting to be taken out of my hands and I'm worried that all the things that I want to avoid are going to end up happening (ie, being induced with drugs, having to go into the labour ward rather than the birth centre, not being about to use a birth pool, having a long labour and needing pain relief that will effect the baby, needing an assisted birth or a C-section). I guess I need to remind myself that I do have a certain amount of control and that I can make small decisions as they arise. Other than that I need to just breathe and go with it!

Bye, bye due date

So another week has passed and so has the due date (which was yesterday). It's been a fairly low key week. D has been on half term and he has been happy to take things really easy, which has been good as it's forced me to slow down as well. We have tried to get out for a walk each day to encourage the baby into position and we've certainly got plenty of sleep. I've been sleeping for 8.5-9 hours each night on average and had the occasional daytime nap too! I made a brief video for the baby to let her know that we're excited about her arrival and to let her know the names that we have in mind for her (we've finally got a short list of five). Got quite emotional towards the end of the video and had to stop quickly before I started blubbing. We're going to set up an email address for her where we can send memories as they happen for her to read as she gets older, so I'll send the video to that. We've also been taking a bump picture each week and now that we've got to 40 weeks we've converted it to a time lapse video which is a nice momento :) I met with the NCT group again on Tuesday. All six of us were there this time with the 2 babies who had already arrived. A third has arrived since then. In theory, I'm supposed to be next! I've started to take some raspberry leaf capsules, although from what I've read I might have left it a little late. Apparently raspberry leaf tones the uterus and can help a faster second stage of labour so I'm willing to give it a go even at this late stage! We've also started doing some nipple stimulation (a bit tedious for both parties when you're supposed to do it for an hour a day!) and we're having sex (which is pretty comical at this point!). We went out for a curry on Saturday night too. Partly to try and encourage labour but also because it'll probably be our last meal out for some time. Not sure what else we can do other than wait! My Mum recently told me that my nan carried all three of her children for 10 months (in the days before induction). As my sister and I were both late, and D and all his siblings were late, it looks like family history is not on our side for an induction-free start! I would really like things to happen on their own but what will be will be. I have a midwife appointment tomorrow so we'll see what she says. Today I'm keeping myself occupied by getting ahead with the Christmas shopping!