BFN

Emotions are weird. Having already been in this siutation once before I thought I knew exactly how I would feel if I were in the same position again. But it's effected me completely differently. For 5 days before the test I was feeling premenstrual. In fact, on the Sunday before the test I woke up feeling really low indeed and I think that I subconsciously knew at that point that it wasn't going to happen. On Wednesday night, we both slept really badly in anticipation of the test. I also slept really badly as I had really bad period pain all night. Early Thursday morning we did the test - a very clear BFN. It just felt like confirmation of what I already knew. My other half went off to work and called me when he got there. I forced back the tears, adamant that I wouldn't cry before going to work. Shortly afterwards I got my period so it left us in no doubt at all. I sent out a stream of text and email messages to close friends and family to let them know. Wanted to get it all out there as quickly as possible. I had told work colleagues that the test was at the weekend so they suspected nothing and I went about the day as usual. It made it much easier pretending that nothing was different. I was feeling weirdly upbeat. I couldn't understand why. I could only put it down to knowing the outcome - very clearly - unlike last time when we were unsure for a few days. It was a relief to know one way or another. That night we went out for dinner and raised a glass to us and our future. My Facebook status was vague but made the situation clear to colleagues. They were kind and sympathetic on Friday. The weekend was really busy and so it was brave faces all round. Sunday we had a lazy day together and then coming back to work on Monday felt like a real anticlimax to the last few months. I felt pretty low all week. Thursday night I cut my finger badly and had to head to A&E. It was a distraction from what was going on and I felt a lot chirpier today. I'm not really very in touch with my emotions. They can sneak up on me. I'm still wondering when I'm actually going to shed any tears over this disappointment. We're now waiting for an appointment with the consultant to discuss the next round and what the process involves when using frozen embryos.