The roller coaster continues

I had the IUI on Friday. It all went fine. No mention of the cysts. It did leave me extremely sore though. I spent the evening on the sofa with a hot water bottle on my belly. Not that it did any good but it was a comfort. It's feeling much better today.
I spent part of Saturday afternoon with an old work colleague, taking photographs of her and her family. She has two small children and they are lovely. We were out in the garden in the sun. It was pretty idyllic. I came away wandering if we would ever have a similar scenario.
I got home to the news that two close friends of ours (married) had asked us to stop by, so we did. Only to find out that they are pregnant. This was the first time that I've been faced with news of a friends pregnancy where I genuinely had a hard time being excited and happy for them. I just wanted to run away. We were invited to stay for dinner but made our excuses to leave. I cried all the way home in the car and bawled when we got home. I felt terrible feeling like this as we had also discovered that they have been through a miscarriage that we weren't aware of. And so they have had their fair share of problems. I really felt that we probably came across as apathetic about their pregnancy and we both felt badly about that. They weren't aware of our fertility problems - it just hasn't come up before. So we called and explained our less than ecstatic reaction. It feels good that they know.
I was texting a friend today. She asked how my weekend was going. I told her about the pregnancy and that it had been tough. She responded without evening mentioning it. Why is this subject so taboo??

Ready!

I had the scan today and I have 3 follicles over 16mm and one that might catch up before the IUI which is scheduled for Friday. So that's all good. Not much was said about the cysts and I decided not to ask many questions. If I need to know anything they will tell me! I was utterly exhausted all day today. Slurring my words, making mistakes at work, looking terrible! I took a two hour nap when I got home from work as I have to stay up late to do a Pregnyl injection at 11:30pm. (My IUI appointment is late in the day on Friday so this injection needs to be later than usual too.) I can't wait to get off these drugs.

37

It's my birthday today. 37. Another year has passed on this journey. It was a mixed day. I was totally spoilt with gifts and lovely birthday messages and I spent most of the day with two close friends having lunch and shopping. But I was pretty grumpy all the same. I had a scan first thing this morning and I'm not responding that well to the drugs this time. I have some follicles that are 11 and 12 mm so they are nearly there, but the nurse also found some cysts. I don't know what this means and the nurse didn't answer my questions directly. What I do know is that they have halved my dose of Puregon because of the cysts even though my follicles are still too small. I'll be going back for another scan in two days so will be trying to get more information out of them about it. I'm feeling tired and low and fat and unable to talk about it all with my friends.

On the plus side, I'm in touch with an old friend/colleague via Facebook. She has been on a long and painful journey with fertility treatment and she is happy for me to bend her ear through all of this which is great. She seems to truly understand how I'm feeling. I'm really glad that I made contact with her about it.

Bad day

I had a bad day yesterday. I felt pretty angry and tearful. A friend has announced her pregnancy. We're waiting for the call to say that my sister-in-law is in labour - the whole family is so excited about it. I'm noticing pregnant woman and mothers even more than usual. Particularly women who don't seem to be doing a great job of it!
We went to a BBQ last night at a neighbours house. He asked if we were thinking of kids. We said yes, we're working on it. He went on to tell us how great it is. He's clearly a great Dad and very proud of his children. But I really just wanted him to shut the F up.

Sigh

Didn't quite make it to the 10th June! I had about 2 days of feeling normal again, and then PMT kicked in. Got my period this morning. So, back to the clinic tomorrow and back on the meds for the fourth and final round of IUI. I'm now feeling like we are destined to be childless which is a bit defeatist but I am beginning to lose faith. What will that mean? People I know are beginning to email me articles about fertility with the message "I saw this and thought of you". Great. Thanks. When you think of me you think of a barren woman... LOL. I don't want us to be the subject of people's sympathy. I don't want to be the reason that my husband isn't a father. I want him to have everything he deserves. What will we do if we can't have kids? Will any adventure that we can create fill the hole?
On the plus side, I saw a friend today who has two small children and she looks REALLY tired! And it's my birthday next weekend so I can still get drunk!