Compliments

I currently have a lot of love for the female coworkers who have complimented me on my appearance lately, telling me I always look amazing when I feel like I look haggard and telling me that I have the most beautiful hair when I feel like my breastfeeding babe has sapped the life force out of it. It's ALMOST worth going to work for.

Sweetest

Hearing N say 'momma' is the sweetest noise the world ever created.

Simple pleasures

The simple pleasures of life now. Going to the supermarket and seeing N sign and babble about everything she sees. Getting the kitchen straight, dinner prepared and a load of laundry in while she naps. Looking forward to spending the afternoon with mummy friends and knowing that we can talk for hours about our little ones without feeling like a mummy bore!

New approach...

So, all is well (great in fact) but life is busy and I can't keep up with this blog the way that I used to. However I do keep thinking of little snippets that I want to capture so that's how I will use this blog from now on. N is 15 months and today's snippet is that food is currently a side to her condiments...

11 months old

N is beautiful, adorable and fun with a gorgeous smile. She has two smiles actually. Her wide open-mouthed smile showing off her four teeth, and her closed-mouth smirk (my personal favourite). She loves to cuddle! She will do it on request and will reach out unexpectedly on a regular basis. She is practising standing, and we count quickly for her to encourage her. We've counted to 160 so far! She's started to confidently cruise around the furniture and she has even taken her first step unaided. We go to Bounce and Rhyme at the library most weeks where we sing nursery rhymes and we go to play group once a week now too. N is starting to interact with other children which is fascinating to watch. She's not at all shy and will bound in to play with others. We still go to Turtle Tots for swimming lessons on Sunday mornings and it's so good to see N progressing. She's very confident and I can feel her wanting to pull away from me and swim on her own. She also spends one afternoon a week with my mum. This gives me a break to catch up on things and Granny LOVES her time with N so much. Sadly, N had conjunctivitis again and a run of colds and she had a few days of miserable teething which hasn't yet resulted in any more teeth. This illness and unhappiness meant a period of time when her sleep was really disrupted. It was even harder than usual to get her to bed at night and she was waking every few hours. Her sleeping is erratic at the best of times but this particularly tough period meant that I really didn't have any time to myself in the evenings and I was going to bed even more anxious than usual about what the night ahead was going to bring. D was sleeping on the sofa so that he could get a good nights sleep which is really important as he drives a lot for work, but I felt very lonely. I've also been thinking about the return to work and went into work for a couple of half days to 'keep in touch'. This brought my anxieties about the return to work to the front of my mind and the time in the office meant that I lost the time that I usually have to myself when my mum has N. D was extremely busy with work and I found it tough to keep on top of things. I was feeling pretty low for a while and felt like I was giving myself to others 100% of the time. An old stress related dermatitis came back on my eyelids. I hadn't had it since I was going through IVF. I went to the doctor to get some cream for it and she said that it was probably good that the stress was coming out physically rather than in other ways but that it probably means that I'm bottling things up, which is absolutely right. The babies in our NCT group have starting having their first birthdays! I've felt very emotional about it at times. The first year, almost over already. My maternity leave has officially come to an end now. Thankfully I have a good chunk of annual leave to take before I go back and at least I start getting paid again now! N is clearly understanding some words now. In particular, no and cuddle. She loves apple slices at the moment. She will sit for ages chomping away on them. She loves flicking through the pages of her books. Well, any books. And she loves stealing my slippers off my feet! Her absolute favourite place to sleep is on daddy's chest. She is an absolute joy to spend my days with.

10 months old

Ten months old. 21.8 lbs and 29.5 inches. N has four teeth now and we're trying to brush them but she's not keen and wants to just hold the brush herself and chew and suck on it. I figure at least the fluoride is getting in there! Her movements are getting faster and more precise and she is chasing the cats. They seem to be taking to her but very wisely are always ready to flee. N is giving double high fives and waving goodbye. She is giving cuddles which is wonderful and big wet open mouth kisses. She's generally very affectionate. She has the cutest curls behind her ears. She has always liked to cross her ankles and this cute habit seems to be sticking. She is strong willed and determined. I think she's going to prove to be a handful! I've been feeling pretty emotional this month. D has gone back to work marking the end of the summer and so it feels like the countdown has begun before I have to go back to work too. I'm feeling anxious about being away from N, missing the little new things she does each day, the change in our routine and managing her weaning so that feeding isn't an issue. I'm also emotional about her developing so quickly. Some days I see her progressing so fast and it's overwhelming. On top of all that, I've been feeling really broody. More broody than I've ever felt in fact. I guess it's seeing N growing so fast and wanting to capture some of the early times again. Nature's way no doubt! However, in the middle of a disrupted night's sleep I feel differently! And it's still really disrupted on a regular basis. N's routine still hasn't really settled since we got back from our holiday. And she seems to be needing to be breastfed back to sleep even more than ever. I don't know how we'll ever break that habit! She had a bad cold a little while ago and I was really struggling with the disrupted sleep. Someone recommended a humidifier and so we bought one in readiness for the next cold and now she has another one already! So fingers crossed it helps! Despite being broody, I don't feel the need to be touched! Having a baby so reliant on my body certainly makes me crave periods of being left alone instead! And I'm really feeling the need for 'me' time lately for the first time since having N. I feel like I'm losing my sense of self and find it hard to be heard in the company of people who are so addicted to N. D mentioned that he feels that our relationship has changed. He says not in a good or a bad way, just that it's different as we have less time for each other. He mentioned that he missed back rubs and stuff. It made me feel bad that I'm neglecting him but I don't feel like I have much left to give to anyone. D was annoyed recently about the laundry not being done one weekend which sparked a row. He wants to have a day where he can spend time with N and not have to think about anything else, which I understand, but as far as I'm concerned that's a luxury. I find it hard to balance spending quality, happy time with N as well as getting domestic stuff done. Sometimes it's just not possible to do it and watch N too. I do actually have a mental list of shit that I can get done when he is watching N on a Sunday so that he can relax and doesn't have to worry about it. Including the fucking laundry. I really resented him getting shitty. I was so angry. I felt like my boss had expressed disappointment in my work. What am I, a fifties housewife? He'll understand better when I go back to work in December and he's taking care of her on his own! Despite the tough stuff, N is blossoming into a truly wonderful little girl. She's so lovely and so much fun. Each stage of her development still gets better and better. We still regularly look at each other in disbelief that we have this amazing child.

9 months old

This has been a big month for N! She's 9 months now and this last month has seen a lot of development - physically and mentally. She's 20.8 lbs and 29 inches (around the 91st percentile for both). She started banging things together and slapping herself in the head and face! She clapped and waved for the first time. She started getting up on her knees and helping herself to toys in her toy box. She started to try to say 'cat' and has been saying it a lot and in context so this will definitely go down as her first word! She's also started using mama and dada in context. As a last minute plan we went to a family friendly festival so that was both her first festival and her first camping trip. She took to it very well although the music was playing until the early hours and so we were all sleep deprived by the end of it... On August 5th, she crawled for the first time! This was right before we were due to fly to the USA so we were a little concerned about how she might travel and take to being stuck in a seat for a long time. But she did amazingly well. She was so relaxed and slept when she needed to. In the USA she met the rest of her aunts and uncles on D's side and also her little cousins. Their company certainly had an impact on her mobility. She started trying to pull herself up more and more and by the end of the trip she was standing for short periods unaided. And not just on solid ground but on beds, sofas and rocking chairs! She's also developed socially and seems like a different kid than the one we took away with us. She's interacting more - smiling and laughing, pulling faces, looking to me for reassurance and reaction. Everyone comments about how aware of everything she is. She doesn't miss a single noise or new sight. We feel so lucky to have her and even luckier that we have such a wonderful child. She is so happy and content and such fun. Everyone who spends time with her falls in love with her! For a short while this month, all food was for play (except satsumas which are a firm favourite) but now she is back to eating anything put in front of her. She had a virus this month which made her really upset and she came out in a rash which made us nervous. We took her to the doctor and he explained that their immune systems are weak at this age and so they often come out in a rash. My sister was at the festival that we went to and I'm glad to say that she now seems more interested in N. As I said, everyone falls in love with N and I think my sister has been equally charmed. I feel more confident in my abilities as a mother now. I'm not usually concerned that people are silently criticising me. Although I do feel like they want to do things differently and they often suggest it but I'm more able to let it go now and not take it personally. However, I am terrified that I'll make a horrible mistake and hurt her again. She has hurt herself slightly a few times since she has become more mobile. Some of which could have been avoided and other times not, and I do really worry about what might happen next. I guess this is parenthood!