37

It's my birthday today. 37. Another year has passed on this journey. It was a mixed day. I was totally spoilt with gifts and lovely birthday messages and I spent most of the day with two close friends having lunch and shopping. But I was pretty grumpy all the same. I had a scan first thing this morning and I'm not responding that well to the drugs this time. I have some follicles that are 11 and 12 mm so they are nearly there, but the nurse also found some cysts. I don't know what this means and the nurse didn't answer my questions directly. What I do know is that they have halved my dose of Puregon because of the cysts even though my follicles are still too small. I'll be going back for another scan in two days so will be trying to get more information out of them about it. I'm feeling tired and low and fat and unable to talk about it all with my friends.

On the plus side, I'm in touch with an old friend/colleague via Facebook. She has been on a long and painful journey with fertility treatment and she is happy for me to bend her ear through all of this which is great. She seems to truly understand how I'm feeling. I'm really glad that I made contact with her about it.

Bad day

I had a bad day yesterday. I felt pretty angry and tearful. A friend has announced her pregnancy. We're waiting for the call to say that my sister-in-law is in labour - the whole family is so excited about it. I'm noticing pregnant woman and mothers even more than usual. Particularly women who don't seem to be doing a great job of it!
We went to a BBQ last night at a neighbours house. He asked if we were thinking of kids. We said yes, we're working on it. He went on to tell us how great it is. He's clearly a great Dad and very proud of his children. But I really just wanted him to shut the F up.

Sigh

Didn't quite make it to the 10th June! I had about 2 days of feeling normal again, and then PMT kicked in. Got my period this morning. So, back to the clinic tomorrow and back on the meds for the fourth and final round of IUI. I'm now feeling like we are destined to be childless which is a bit defeatist but I am beginning to lose faith. What will that mean? People I know are beginning to email me articles about fertility with the message "I saw this and thought of you". Great. Thanks. When you think of me you think of a barren woman... LOL. I don't want us to be the subject of people's sympathy. I don't want to be the reason that my husband isn't a father. I want him to have everything he deserves. What will we do if we can't have kids? Will any adventure that we can create fill the hole?
On the plus side, I saw a friend today who has two small children and she looks REALLY tired! And it's my birthday next weekend so I can still get drunk!

The wait begins again

The treatment went OK this month. Although I felt horrible on the Buserelin. Oh and the Pregnyl made me feel like crap too! I was really irritable, everyone was getting on my nerves. I've been very tired and had diarrhea. Great. I just did the final shot of Pregnyl yesterday and I'm waiting for the side effects to pass. Initially, after the IUI I was feeling positive about this try. Now, I'm scared to think that it might have worked. The disappointment when it doesn't work is crushing. I'm already Googling the early signs of pregnancy every other day to check if I have any! Crazy. And not healthy. We can do a test on 10th June...

Round 3

I got my period on Saturday and picked up my drugs on Monday. So we're now on Day 3 of my third round of IUI. My daily dose of Puregon has been boosted from 100iu to 150iu as I didn't respond that well last time. My scan is booked for Monday. I'm not sure if I feel hopeful or not... I definitely feel cloudy headed, bloated and tired already!

Back again...

I've been gone for a while and it's not because I've been keeping schtum about being pregnant! My period was very late but it arrived. I've been busy with the new job and getting worried about having to break the news of my fertility treatment to my new boss. I work in a small office so I can't just slip out to the hospital when I need to unnoticed. I work with three other women (all around my age) and so I've been hoping that they would be understanding. But you never know do you. I mean they've just recruited me and there I am announcing that I've trying to get pregnant and that I need time off to go to the hospital! I spoke to my boss about it today and she was great. "You're really valuable to us already and we will support you however we can". Very sweet. And what a relief. My period was really late last month so I'm not sure when it's going to kick in next. I'm 28 days today so I'm hoping it kicks in soon. I'm ready to get cracking again now.

Late

I'm 7 days late. My period this month went on and on so I wouldn't be surprised if this is making me late. Plus I've had PMT and a spotty chin. But wouldn't it be weird if I got pregnant while on a break from the treatment... Should probably do a test. Although I quite like the idea of pregnancy being a possibility rather than finding out for sure that I'm not. Silly. I'm due to start my new job on Monday so enjoying my last days of freedom in the sunshine :)