Crazy times

What a surreal week this has been! We were ready to tell our families and close friends on Monday night but my other half was away overnight with work so we waited until Tuesday. We went to see my mum first with one of the tests in a biscuit tin and told her that we had made something that we thought she would get a kick out of. She was really surprised, and relieved as she had assumed that we had wanted to stop by to tell her that things hadn't worked out again! Next we told my man's immediate family and some close friends, all via text. The phone was very busy for an hour or so! Lots of excitement from everyone which was lovely. Afterwards we were still looking at each other in disbelief that this is happening! Yesterday morning we did one final test, as that was the day that the clinic had asked us to wait until. The positive line appeared just as quickly as the test line :) I can't believe that officially I am 5 weeks pregnant already - nearly half way through the first trimester! I called the clinic and they have booked me in for an 8 week scan on 21st march. Can't wait! At work today, I told the three colleagues that I share an office with as they knew that a test was imminent. They are really happy for me too and promise to keep it to themselves for now. They bought me a lovely bunch of flowers and some delicious desserts for us all to share :) I went to Boots after work to get some maternity vitamins and took great pleasure in picking up a free magazine (advert!) for parents-to-be and browsing the baby clothes and actually feeling like I belong there rather than being a weird imposter. What a weird transition this is...

It's happening!

It was a truly surreal day yesterday. I felt like I was having an out of body experience. My sister-in-law, who has been amazingly supportive through all of this, sent me a text yesterday evening to ask me how things were. She knew that we were due to test and I couldn't lie to her and so my other half called her and she is the first person that we have told. She was so excited and my man was blubbering and I still felt like we were talking about someone else! We explained that we wanted to get a stronger test before we tell anyone else and she's promised to keep it quiet. I got through yesterday without a period and the result on our test this morning is even stronger :) It's been an odd day at work today, pretending to colleagues that it's an average day for me, and in lots of ways it does feel like an average day. Life still goes on after all. Despite this amazing piece of information we have been given! I had low back pain again this morning and have felt lots of little twinges in my womb today. There is definitely something going on in there! It's tough as I've no idea what is normal and what's not, but my sister-in-law pointed out that I'll be obsessing with every little sensation throughout the pregnancy so I should just get used to it! My mother-in-law has just text me to ask if we have done a test and, after a lot of discussion about how we should respond, I just said "tomorrow :)". We have decided that we will tell the whole family tomorrow. We'll go and see my Mum in person and my in-laws are oversees so we have a plan with a series of photos to email to them :)

Oh My God!

I'm scared to let this sink in. I'm scared to accept that it's a possibility. We did another test this morning and we got a faint postitive!!!!!! My other half was sooo excited. I was just in complete shock. We've been here before with a faint positive which turned out to be nothing so I'm so scared to get my hopes up. But this is different. This 'faint' positive is MUCH clearer than last time! (See for yourself - although I think it got a little darker after the 3 minute cut-off!). And today is really supposed to be the first day that the HCG will show up with a frozen embryo transer so I suppose it's bound to be faint, right?? Can I allow myself to accept that this is finally it?? Is this really happening for us??? It's such a head fuck as I also have low back pain, just like when I'm about to get my period. This process never ceases to be a complete roller coaster. I think I will be able accept this when I don't get my period today and we see a darker positive tomorrow! Wow.

Waiting, waiting, waiting...

The clinic told us that we would need to wait 2 weeks before testing but as I didn't have an HCG shot this cycle we couldn't see any harm in testing a bit earlier! After an internet search, it seems that we can test from Day 9 after frozen embryo transfer, which was yesterday. We did an early morning test using an early response test and it came up negative. Very disappointing and it seriously put me on a downer for the rest of the day. However, my other half was right when he says that it is still very early indeed and that it ain't over yet. We're going to test again tomorrow...

Smooth sailing

The embryo transfer went well today. Unfortunately, one of our two frozen embryos didn't thaw successfully, but we only need one and the other one looked really good apparently. We were faced with another decision to make, this time whether to go with assisted hatching or not. Our clinic do this using a laser. We asked a few questions and decided to go for it. There don't seem to be any major risks - other than it possibly causing identical twins! - and as ever we want to give ourselves the best chance. The transfer itself went really well. I was really excited prior to the procedure and the embryo was very clear on the monitor, nice and high in my uterus. Happy days :) I've bought a big lemon and blueberry drizzle cake to celebrate tonight.

New injections

I had a final scan at the clinic yesterday. Everything is as it should be and we are all set for the embryo transfer on Wednesday. We were also shown how to do the new intra-muscular (in the butt) injections. These injections have replaced the progesterone pessaries that I have used in previous cycles. The injections are supposed to work better - it's just a shame they have to be so deep! My other half had a practice at giving me the shot at the clinic which was fine - really not painful. But I will need to give the shot to myself on a couple of occasions when my husband will be away overnight with his job. So tonight I've had a go at doing it myself. I wasn't too concerned about it at all - right up until I had the needle in my hand, then I got really anxious! I had watched a few YouTube videos of other girls injecting themselves and it really didn't look too bad, so I bit the bullet and stuck it in! The needle went in really easily with no pain. The next step was to draw the fluid back slightly to check that I hadn't hit a capillary. This was impossible as I couldn't get two hands on the needle and the syringe is really stiff to plunge and draw back. I really couldn't do it withone hand. The girls in the videos that I had watched hadn't bothered to draw the needle back before injecting and so I figured, what the hell, what's the worse that can happen? So I injected. Hopefully I'm not going to drop down dead or anything! I'm feeling incredibly proud of myself :) So, tomorrow I'm off to get pregnant!!

New thinking

The drugs have definitely been having an effect these last couple of weeks. I have been feeling more and more tired as time has gone on and cloudy headed with difficulty concentrating. I've been very lazy, not exercising and driving to work. I do think it's important to be nice to yourself when you're not feeling great so I don't feel too guilty! I went for a scan on the 30th and the nurse was happy that the Buserilin was doing it's job. I started the oestrogen drugs on Saturday and have been feeling much more lively and normal! I got a cold and it's turned colder too which has been the perfect excuse to keep driving and to sit in front of the fire every night! My weight has gone up a little bit though... I'm still having daily Buserilin injections but also the HRT pills (progynova) and also a patch (I forget the name). No other side effects with those drugs worth mentioning. I'm due another scan on Monday (11th) and we'll find out then when the date will be for the embryo transfer. I was emailing with an old client as she is going through IVF too and so we've been comparing notes. She recommended a book, "Trying to Get Pregnant (and Succeeding)" by Marisa Peer. It's basically about positive thinking, mind over matter and the effect that your thoughts and words can have on how your body responds. It's very interesting reading so far and I'm now working on truly believing that I am going to get pregnant. It's a hard shift when up until now I have been trying to accept that it might not happen.