BFN

Emotions are weird. Having already been in this siutation once before I thought I knew exactly how I would feel if I were in the same position again. But it's effected me completely differently. For 5 days before the test I was feeling premenstrual. In fact, on the Sunday before the test I woke up feeling really low indeed and I think that I subconsciously knew at that point that it wasn't going to happen. On Wednesday night, we both slept really badly in anticipation of the test. I also slept really badly as I had really bad period pain all night. Early Thursday morning we did the test - a very clear BFN. It just felt like confirmation of what I already knew. My other half went off to work and called me when he got there. I forced back the tears, adamant that I wouldn't cry before going to work. Shortly afterwards I got my period so it left us in no doubt at all. I sent out a stream of text and email messages to close friends and family to let them know. Wanted to get it all out there as quickly as possible. I had told work colleagues that the test was at the weekend so they suspected nothing and I went about the day as usual. It made it much easier pretending that nothing was different. I was feeling weirdly upbeat. I couldn't understand why. I could only put it down to knowing the outcome - very clearly - unlike last time when we were unsure for a few days. It was a relief to know one way or another. That night we went out for dinner and raised a glass to us and our future. My Facebook status was vague but made the situation clear to colleagues. They were kind and sympathetic on Friday. The weekend was really busy and so it was brave faces all round. Sunday we had a lazy day together and then coming back to work on Monday felt like a real anticlimax to the last few months. I felt pretty low all week. Thursday night I cut my finger badly and had to head to A&E. It was a distraction from what was going on and I felt a lot chirpier today. I'm not really very in touch with my emotions. They can sneak up on me. I'm still wondering when I'm actually going to shed any tears over this disappointment. We're now waiting for an appointment with the consultant to discuss the next round and what the process involves when using frozen embryos.

Symptoms

A couple more symptoms to mention from the 2WW: Constipation! The Cyclogest pessaries kept me VERY regular last cycle but this time I have definitely been a bit constipated instead. Also, on one day during the last week I noticed a very small amount of blood on the loo roll after having a wee. It was odd, more like a very small cluster of red fibres rather than blood. I didn't pay attention to what colour underwear I was wearing that day mind you! Fingers crossed for tomorrow! My gut says that I'm not pregnant but my heart is still hopeful.

Day 10 post embryo transfer

So here we are, 10 days in, 3 to go. It's difficult to sum up how I'm feeling. I've been generally feeling really good since the transfer and pretty positive. I haven't had any of the severe cramping and bleeding that I experienced last time. One quite odd symptom that I've had is that a couple of times in the early days after transfer I woke in the night to an intense - almost painful - spontaneous orgasm and a feeling of blood rushing to my pelvic area. Very strange. I put it down to taking the Clexane injections and my blood flow just being better generally. I've just been researching it online and other women have mentioned it - a lot of them who have ended up being pregnant so it would be great if it's a good sign. But I know from experience that reading stuff online isn't necessarily helpful! I've also had very sore boobs since the transfer but put this down to the Cyclogest. I've been feeling quite tired and have had a low level headache most of today. I've been working on positive visualisation and have been picturing one of my embryos snuggling nice and warm into my uterine lining, and a little hand coming out of the lining and holding the embryo gently but firmly in place. Note that I say I'm picturing ONE embryo, not two. One baby would be safer than two and I'm not desperate for a ready made family. My other half has been looking at me very differently this last week or so. He is gooier than usual. He's naturally a glass-half-full type of guy and I know that he is feeling very positive about this time. Yesterday I woke up feeling pretty low. I felt generally pre-menstrual rather than pregnant. A spot on my chin - a sure sign of PMT for me - added to my assumptions. I was feeling very negative about the outcome this time. My hub gave me a card this morning, saying lovely things to reassure me that if it doesn't work out that he is excited about his future with me. I'm very lucky to have such a supportive partner through all of this. I keep thinking about the weekend ahead. Unfortunately we have a very busy weekend planned and so we won't have much time to either celebrate or commiserate. We can do the test on Thursday morning after which we will both have to dash off to work. Thankfully we'll have Thursday evening free to come to terms with/celebrate the result. I'm due to go out with old work colleagues on Friday evening, my hub is working on Saturday morning, we have a wedding on Saturday afternoon evening and then hub is working again on Sunday - he'll be away from home for 2 nights then. If it's a negative result I think I'll be wanting to crawl in a hole again and not talk to anyone. If it's a positive result it's going to amazing! But a shame not to be able to spend more time with together to enjoy it. 3 ... more... days...!