Deflated

I was really buzzing on Friday. I really did allow myself to have hope. We went away for the weekend with friends that evening and I was a good girl and stayed sober amongst the drunkards. Saturday morning I woke up early and did two tests. They were both clearly negative. It was really disappointing but as we were with friends and celebrating a birthday we were forced to put on a brave face. We decided to give it another day and test again on Sunday morning. It was another negative. That's the last time I use a Clear Blue test! It really gave us false hope. We were home by early afternoon on Sunday and we both quickly slipped into a funk. The rollercoaster of the last two weeks has been so tiring and draining. We were both very low again yesterday and struggling to smile today. We had quite a few people to inform of the outcome, and although that's been hard to do we have had some really lovely supportive messages. We are really lucky to have such great people around us. We have an appointment to meet with a consultant at the clinic for a de-brief next week. Disappointingly it's with a consultant that we haven't been that happy with in the past. She hasn't treated me personally and she doesn't seem well informed of my case so when we see her it feels like box ticking. We have questions that we want clear answers to so that we can decide what to do next. One positive thing is that we are aware of a charity that has funding for medical treatment which my husband can access through an organisation that he is part of, and so we are starting to apply for funding to cover another round of IVF. The thought of going through this all again at the moment is tough. I've stopped taking the hormones which have been supporting my womb lining so I'm waiting for my period to start properly. So far it's just been heavy spotting. During the night last night I had another bout of severe cramping. I'm so ready for this cyle to be completely finished now.

Very hopeful!

Test day today! I'm such an idiot - I got up in the night to pee, convinced that it was around 2am, and when I got back to bed realised that it was 6am! I wasted that precious early sample!! Today of all days. I'm kicking myself. We did two tests and one of them had the faintest of faint postive result...! Aaarrgh. Going crazy now. The clinic say it sounds good, that we should try not to get our hopes up too much and test again tomorrow. So we have to wait a whole 24 hours again. Trying not to get tooo excited but finding it a bit impossible! I was reading some of my old blogs last night and found one talking about the psychic that I saw in Vegas. She had seen three pregnancies (3 fertilised eggs?) before I turn 38 (in June this year) and a baby girl. OMG. Could this be it???????

Drained

When I got home from work last night, my husband started asking me if we should do a pregnancy test. We were advised to wait until Friday (9th) but we were desperately trying to find a way around that! We talked it through and after googling we decided that if we got a positive result then we could be 99% sure it is correct as the HCG injection that I did on 20th Feb should we out of my system by now. And we decided that if it was a negative result that it could just be because it was too early and therefore there was still hope. So we did a test and it was negative. My heart sank and the more I thought about it the more hope I lost and the tearier I became. But my other half is right, it was early to be testing. There is still hope. Then at around 2am this morning, I had some severe cramping again. It lasted about 45 minutes I think. I took paracetamol after about 20 mins and eventually it wore off. It felt like someone was wringing out my uterus! Today I've had no bleeding but have felt kind of sore. Not surprising really. What the hell is going on? I feel so physically and emotionally drained from all of this. Both of us just want this cycle of treatment to be over one way or another. I can't believe how much worse this two-week-wait has been compared to those when I had IUI. I think it's mostly down to the cramping and bleeding which has sent me googling and playing out every possible scenario in my head... Everyone in our lives who knows about the IVF is wishing us well which is lovely. Finally I feel that most of the important people in our lives can talk to us about it with relative ease. But on the down side, we may have to disappoint them all tomorrow. We're going away with friends tomorrow night and my husband thinks that if we get a negative result that perhaps I should continue avoiding alcohol for a few more days just to be sure. So, go away with friends on the day that I've got a negative result and stay sober while everyone is drinking as if I was pregnant? Yeah right! No chance.

One week in, one week to go...

So, we're one week in to the two week wait. Well 9 days actually, 5 to go! It's been a stressful time. Overnight, between day 4 and 5, I had some really strong cramps. Like bad period pain. It lasted a little while and then went off. But I lay awake for a while, terrified to get up and see if I was bleeding. When I did eventually get up, nothing. Then first thing on the morning of day 7 (Friday), I had some bleeding. I was convinced that I was getting my period really early and that it was game over. I walked into work fighting back the tears and was in a mild state of panic all morning. Wondering what the hell is wrong with me that my body is already rejecting when my period isn't due for another 5 days. The bleeding didn't last long. It changed to spotting and had stopped by lunchtime. I texted with my sisterinlaw, who said that she had some cramping before she knew that she was pregnant. I read article after article on the internet but couldn't get a consistent answer about whether what I experienced was implantation bleeding or something to worry about. My husband and I were climbing the walls so we decided to keep ourselves busy over the weekend. On Friday night we went out of dinner - no wine for me and I googled seafood during pregnancy to see what I could order! Then we went to a movie. On Saturday morning, I felt heaviness exactly like when I'm about to get my period. I was completely anticipating it happening and tried to accept it. I met friends for coffee and then did a bit of shopping. While shopping I started bleeding again. I really thought that this was it, end of the road. My husband met me at home, and the bleeding had stopped again! We both shed some stressed out tears and I called the doctor. Thankfully he said that this doesn't mean it hasn't worked. If I bleed as much as a regular period then it will be a bad sign, but otherwise we should wait and keep everything crossed. Later that evening, I was reading the side effects of one of the hormone supplements that I'm taking (Progynova). And what do you know, one of the side effects is bleedng and spotting! Why the hell didn't I read that earlier!! So it's been an emotional rollercoaster of a week to say the least! I still have hope. Now I'm wondering whether I'll get to Friday and be able to take the test or whether Aunt Flo will beat me to it...